“There’s a crack in all the things, that’s how the sunshine will get in.” ~Leonard Cohen
When melancholy comes, I really feel it like a prowler gliding via my physique. My chest tightens, my head fills with darkish whispers, and even the day seems like night time. The prowler has no face, no clear form, however its presence is heavy. Generally it circles in silence inside me. Different instances it presses in till I don’t know the best way to reply.
In these moments, I really feel caught between two selections: do I lie nonetheless, hoping it passes by, or do I rise and face it? Usually, I select mendacity down—not out of paralysis however persistence. Generally the one method to coexist with the shadow is to relaxation, to give up for some time, to let sleep take me. And typically, after I wake, I really feel a little bit lighter. Not freed from the prowler however reminded that it’s doable to stay alongside it.
Carl Jung as soon as wrote, “Everybody carries a shadow, and the much less it’s embodied in our acutely aware life, the blacker and denser it’s.” I do know this to be true. The extra I attempt to push my melancholy away, the heavier it turns into. However after I convey consciousness—even reluctant consciousness—its energy weakens.
The Shadow as Instructor
The shadow just isn’t solely my enemy. It additionally serves as a trainer. Despair forces me to face the components of myself I’d fairly outrun: disgrace, grief, worry, anger, discontent. However it additionally carries hidden truths. Jung recommended that the shadow holds not simply what we reject but additionally forgotten strengths and prospects.
For me, the shadow’s message is humility. It jogs my memory I’m not in management, that I can’t polish myself into perfection. It pushes me to pay attention extra deeply—to the ache I carry and the struggles I see in others. It insists that therapeutic doesn’t come from pretending the darkness isn’t there. It comes from being prepared to see it.
Buddhism and the Prowler
Buddhism offers me one other method to see this. The Buddha taught that struggling doesn’t simply come from clinging to what we crave; it additionally comes from turning away from what we don’t wish to face. That turning away is named aversion.
When the prowler strikes via me, my intuition is at all times to show away. I wish to push it out, distract myself, faux it isn’t there. However every time I run from it, the shadow grows stronger.
In meditation, I follow staying. I sit and breathe, whispering silently, “Could I be free from worry. Could I be at peace.” I’ll be sincere, typically these phrases really feel empty and even foolish. They don’t at all times raise me. However saying them creates a pause—a second of willingness to remain as a substitute of operating. The prowler doesn’t vanish, nevertheless it softens a little bit beneath the sunshine of compassion.
Creativity and the Shadow
I’ve additionally found that my documentary work—filmmaking, writing, instructing—is barely genuine after I acknowledge the shadow. My digital camera turns into a mirror. Once I faux all the things is gentle, the pictures really feel flat. However after I enable the complexity of shadow into my seeing, the work has depth.
Once I sit with folks to take heed to their tales, I usually sense their shadows too—grief unstated, worry beneath the floor, contradictions in how they see themselves. I can acknowledge these shadows as a result of I’ve lived with mine. Going through my very own shadow permits me to fulfill others with higher fact and compassion.
To create truthfully means letting the shadow into the body. With out it, there’s no distinction, no stress, no fact.
Caregiving as Mild
One of many biggest presents in my life now’s caregiving for my ninety-six-year-old mom. These small day by day acts convey moments of surprising reprieve.
I bear in mind one morning, bringing her a easy breakfast—simply toast and tea. She checked out me and smiled, her face lighting up with gratitude. In that second, the prowler loosened its grip. It was such a small factor, but it fed the a part of me that needed to stay.
Enjoying her old-time tunes on my Gibson mandolin does the identical. Once I see her foot tapping or hear her hum alongside, one thing shifts inside me. Caregiving sheds gentle into the darker locations of my coronary heart. The simplicity of getting ready meals or sharing music jogs my memory that love and repair are stronger than despair. These acts don’t erase the shadow, however they convey stability, exhibiting me I’m greater than my melancholy.
Feeding the Shadow, Feeding the Mild
I’ve come to see that I typically feed my melancholy. Not on goal, however via fear, nervousness, and rumination. Every time I circle the identical fears, I’m handing the prowler a meal.
After which there are different instances after I feed one thing else. The phrases of meditation could really feel hole, the wolf story could sound idealistic, however the easy acts are actual: making my mom breakfast, taking part in her a mandolin tune, writing with honesty, and even simply respiration one regular breath.
It jogs my memory of the well-known story of two wolves: A grandfather advised his grandson that inside every of us are two wolves. One is fierce and harmful, stuffed with anger, envy, worry, and despair. The opposite is peaceable and life-giving, stuffed with compassion, hope, and love. The boy requested, “Which one will win?” The grandfather replied, “The one you feed.”
For me, each wolves are actual. The prowler and the peaceable one stay aspect by aspect. I don’t deny my melancholy. I do know it’s a part of me. However I additionally know I can select, second by second, which one I’ll feed.
Presence with the Shadow
The prowler nonetheless comes. I believe it at all times will. Some days it circles silently like a vulture. Different days it urges me to lie down and give up. And typically, after I wake, I really feel a small aid—a reminder that coexistence is feasible.
That is what presence has come to imply for me. Presence just isn’t escaping into gentle or denying the darkish. Presence is staying with what’s—the prowler, the heaviness, the caregiving, the worry. It means respiration with it, resting with it, even sleeping with it, with out operating away.
Each Jung and the Buddha level on this route. Jung says we can’t turn into complete with out making the darkness acutely aware. The Buddha says we can’t be free if we flip away in aversion. And I’ve discovered that I can’t create or look after others or stay absolutely if I refuse to face the prowler inside me.
So I proceed step-by-step. I breathe. I keep. I relaxation. I create. I convey my mom breakfast. I play her mandolin tunes. I feed the peaceable wolf. I coexist. The shadow nonetheless prowls, however I’m right here too—extra awake, extra human, extra current.
About Tony Collins
Tony Collins, EdD, MFA, is a author, documentary filmmaker, and educator whose work explores presence, creativity, and that means in on a regular basis life. His essays mix storytelling and reflection within the fashion of artistic nonfiction, drawing on experiences from filmmaking, journey, and caregiving. He’s the writer of Artistic Scholarship: Rethinking Analysis in Movie and New Media Home windows to the Sea: Collected Writings. You’ll be able to learn extra of his essays and reflections on his Substack at tonycollins.substack.com.