“Don’t imagine the whole lot you hear—even in your personal thoughts.” – Daniel G. Amen
This quote may sound like one thing you’d learn on a espresso mug or an Instagram quote slide. However when your personal thoughts is feeding you a 24/7 stream of terrifying, intrusive ideas? That little phrase turns into a survival technique.
Positive, I’ve plenty of methods now. However they weren’t born from a mild non secular awakening or a peaceable stroll within the woods. They had been born out of a relentless, knock-down, drag-out battle with obsessive-compulsive dysfunction (OCD). A battle that began after I was a child and stole years of my life.
Let me be blunt: OCD is just not quirky or cute. It’s not about liking issues tidy or being “a little bit sort A.” It’s a full-body, panic-inducing dysfunction the place your mind screams, “You might be at risk!”—even when there’s no precise risk.
It’s counting in determined loops. It’s having rituals you don’t perceive however can’t cease doing. It’s worry that seems like a gun pointed between your eyes, triggered by nothing greater than a thought. I do know as a result of I’ve OCD, or I suppose I ought to say “had” OCD.
Life with OCD: A Struggle Inside My Head
From the time I used to be younger, my mind was hijacked by worry. Fears that one thing horrible would occur. That I’d lose individuals I cherished. That I’d be misunderstood, unworthy, unforgivable. These ideas didn’t simply whisper—they screamed. And my physique listened: sweaty palms, racing coronary heart, shallow breath. Time and again, although nothing was actually mistaken.
To manage, I created rituals—compulsions that promised aid however by no means delivered. I’d roll my neck a sure manner, flex my wrists, blink, swallow, depend in rapid-fire succession—something to really feel proper once more. However it by no means actually labored. 4 was my magic quantity for a very long time. I might fly by way of sixty-four units of 4 sooner than you’d imagine. Nonetheless, the nervousness roared again each time.
Need a image of what this seemed like? Right here’s one from highschool: I’m sitting on the kitchen desk. I look—once more—on the spherical straw basket on the wall. I roll my neck, flex each wrists, blink, swallow. Rattling it. Not proper. I begin the sequence once more. One-two-three-four. One-two-three-four. Once more. And once more. 4 units of 4, finished 4 occasions. Nonetheless not proper. I’m drowning in invisible urgency whereas everybody else is simply attempting to eat dinner.
I had objects in each room of the home, every one assigned to a ritual. A cherry wooden clock. The sting of a curtain rod. A fluorescent mild tile. I didn’t select this. I didn’t even perceive it. And I undoubtedly didn’t take pleasure in it. OCD stole my time, my vitality, and my sanity. If I didn’t do the rituals, I used to be consumed by dread. If I did them, they had been by no means ok. It was a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t existence.
Ideas That Terrified Me
The content material of my fears modified over time, however the depth didn’t. Typically the dread was imprecise. Typically it was particular and disturbing—violent photographs, inappropriate sexual ideas, blasphemous phrases. I obsessed that I’d decide up a knife and harm somebody. That somebody I cherished would die as a result of I breathed the mistaken manner.
I couldn’t write with out rewriting. I couldn’t look in a mirror with out fearing I’d turn into useless. I drew invisible strains on the ground to guard individuals. I needed to sit a sure manner, communicate a sure manner, assume a sure manner. And God assist me if a “unhealthy” thought popped into my head mid-ritual—I needed to begin over again.
At one level in school, whereas caught in an countless loop of attempting to place a chunk of paper in a folder “good,” I ended up stabbing a pencil into my thigh out of sheer psychological exhaustion.
I actually believed I used to be damaged.
Discovering a Title—and a Approach Out
I didn’t even comprehend it was OCD till I stumbled throughout a ebook after which noticed a video exhibiting different individuals’s compulsions. It was a holy shit second. You imply another person can’t fold a towel simply as soon as both?
As soon as I had a reputation for what was occurring, I might start to untangle it. I realized that my mind was sending false messages—and that I didn’t must obey them. A psychiatrist as soon as defined it with a triangle: Most individuals’s ideas bounce between factors and transfer on. Mine bought caught within the triangle and simply spun endlessly.
Figuring out that helped. However what actually modified the whole lot was discovering mantras.
How Mantras Helped Me Rewire My Mind
My mother—who additionally struggled with OCD—began making up little phrases with me to chop by way of the noise. The one which modified the whole lot?
“That’s a mind glitch. I don’t have to concentrate to that.”
It sounds easy, however that phrase turned a psychological lifeline. It helped me step again, name out the OCD lie, and redirect my focus. It was a strategy to problem the urgency of the thought with out getting pulled into the ritual. And it labored—not in a single day, however persistently, over time.
Then I learn Mind Lock by Jeffrey Schwartz, which broke down the very same technique: determine the thought, reattribute it, and refocus. I noticed—I’d already been doing that with my mantras. They had been serving to me rewire my thoughts. That realization was empowering. I wasn’t simply surviving anymore. I used to be retraining my mind.
Mantras, OCD, and the Messy Center of Therapeutic
Slowly, imperfectly, I finished combating my ideas and began getting interested in them. I started to note how worry hooked me—and the way I didn’t must take the bait.
My mantras began piling up on sticky notes all over the place. They had been grounding. Typically humorous. Typically severe. Typically simply sarcastic sufficient to chop by way of the noise in my head. However they labored. They jogged my memory of what was true. They gave me simply sufficient area to reply in a different way.
As a result of right here’s the factor: OCD doesn’t run my life anymore. Positive, the tendencies nonetheless flare up beneath stress—however I’ve instruments now. I’ve perspective. And I’ve mantras.
Not the fluffy form that pretends the whole lot is ok. The gritty, scrappy, fiercely compassionate form that claims:
- Sure, your mind is being loud proper now—and also you’re nonetheless allowed to relaxation.
- Uncertainty is uncomfortable, not harmful.
- You aren’t your mind.
- You possibly can let go. Even when it’s a must to do it 100 occasions.
Should you’re somebody who struggles with relentless ideas—whether or not it’s OCD, nervousness, or simply the on a regular basis noise of being human—I hope this evokes you to craft your personal phrases, rooted in your values and the sort of life you wish to transfer towards, or mantras that remind you to disregard that harsh inside critic and the fears that lurk in your thoughts.
You’re not alone.
Your ideas will not be all the time true.
And you’re allowed to let go of ideas that don’t serve you.
Even when it’s a must to let go over and again and again. That’s okay. That’s the work.
Don’t imagine the whole lot you assume. However begin believing that you would be able to heal.