Episode 96: Why True Partnership Requires Destroying Patriarchy, Not Simply Criticizing Males

Try Lynn’s highly effective books on narcissistic abuse restoration, manipulation ways, and the emotional journey of therapeutic. Excellent for survivors able to take their subsequent step.

💡 Wish to assist the present?

Depart us a tip 🎁 Tip Jar: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/waketheelephant

📝 Depart a Assessment:

If this episode introduced you readability or consolation, depart a fast evaluation in your favourite podcast app. It helps others discover us and retains the message spreading.

See additionally Episode 89, “The Silent Brotherhood,” for deeper perception into male loyalty codes.🎧 To listen to this full episode, go to waketheelephant.gumroad.com/l/hiddenloyalty

About 5 years in the past… through the chaos and isolation of the COVID years… one thing shifted. As society floor to a halt… and the distractions of day by day life fell silent… an unsettling fact emerged.

The identical patterns of narcissistic abuse — the intoxicating idealization that pulls folks in… the merciless devaluation that erodes their value… the delicate and overt management that retains them off stability — weren’t remoted incidents. They have been indicators of a deeper… cultural illness.

This illness isn’t about a number of dangerous actors. It’s a system that normalizes emotional manipulation… makes use of deep psychological instruments to maintain folks doubting themselves… teaches us to equate love with possession… and makes energy video games the blueprint for intimacy.

It’s a system that rewards energy over partnership… domination over dialogue… management over connection — shaping how we love… how we struggle… how we keep silent.

So why aren’t we confronting this head-on?

On this episode… we dig into why true equality calls for tearing down the system itself… as a result of actual partnership can’t develop within the shadows of a tradition constructed on management.

That day, I found the surprising connection between narcissistic abuse and patriarchy. And when you see it, every thing begins to make sense.

Associated: The Patriarch’s Excellent Lure

Now… earlier than you hit pause considering that is one other male-bashing session, I need you to know that’s precisely the other of what we’re doing right here.

Actually, what we’re going to discover at present is why pointing fingers at particular person males truly retains us caught within the very system we’re making an attempt to vary. We’re going to dive into why actual partnership – the type that transforms lives and relationships – requires us to look past particular person blame and sort out the invisible constructions that form all of our lives.

Right here’s what I’ve realized after years of finding out relationships and social dynamics: Probably the most profound adjustments occur once we cease preventing signs… and begin addressing root causes. Once we cease asking “How can we repair males?” and begin asking “How can we create programs that enable everybody to thrive?”

So whether or not you’re a person, a lady, or anybody looking for deeper understanding of learn how to create real partnership in your life… this episode is for you.

We’re going to discover why particular person options fall in need of systemic issues, and most significantly… what it truly seems to be prefer to construct relationships and communities primarily based on genuine partnership.

THE PROBLEM WITH INDIVIDUAL SOLUTIONS

Let’s begin with a narrative that may sound acquainted.

Sarah is pissed off together with her companion, Mike. She’s carrying the psychological load of their family – monitoring physician’s appointments, remembering birthdays, managing social calendars, and noticing once they’re out of milk. In the meantime, Mike appears… oblivious to those invisible duties.

Sarah’s associates inform her: “It’s essential prepare him higher,” or “Simply cease doing it and he’ll determine it out.” The web is filled with articles about “weaponized incompetence” and “man-children.” The answer appears easy: Repair Mike.

However right here’s the factor… this particular person method misses the larger image fully.

Mike isn’t failing as a result of he’s inherently incompetent or as a result of he’s a foul individual. He’s working inside a system that by no means taught him to see home work as his accountability. From childhood, he watched his mom handle the family whereas his father remained blissfully unaware. He absorbed messages that his profession was his major contribution to household life.

In the meantime, Sarah isn’t naturally higher at noticing once they want milk. She’s been socialized since childhood to concentrate to everybody else’s wants, to clean over issues earlier than they turn out to be seen, to hold the emotional temperature of each room she enters.

That is the limitation of particular person options. They assume that systemic issues could be solved by private effort and good intentions. They put the burden on people to beat constructions which can be greater than anyone individual.

It’s like making an attempt to unravel poverty by telling poor folks to finances higher… or addressing racism by asking folks to be much less prejudiced. These approaches aren’t flawed, however they’re inadequate. They deal with signs whereas leaving the illness untouched.

Once we focus solely on altering particular person habits, we miss the chance to create lasting change. We exhaust ourselves making an attempt to swim upstream towards a present that’s pulling us backward.

However what if… as a substitute of preventing the present… we modified the path of the river itself?

That’s what dismantling patriarchy truly means – not attacking males, however reworking the programs that restrict everybody’s potential for genuine partnership.

UNDERSTANDING PATRIARCHY AS A SYSTEM, NOT INDIVIDUALS

Let’s get clear on what we’re truly speaking about once we say “patriarchy.” As a result of this phrase has turn out to be so loaded, so weaponized, that many individuals shut down the second they hear it.

Patriarchy isn’t about males being evil or girls being victims. It’s a social system – a set of constructions, establishments, and cultural norms that manage society round hierarchical energy dynamics.

At its core, patriarchy elevates sure traits – dominance, competitors, emotional suppression, independence – whereas devaluing others like collaboration, emotional intelligence, interdependence, and care work.

Consider it just like the working system in your laptop. It’s invisible… however it determines how every thing else features. You don’t hate your working system, but when it’s outdated and creating issues… you replace it.

Let’s have a look at how this reveals up in actual life.

In most workplaces, the best worker is somebody who can work lengthy hours with out household obligations interfering. This isn’t essentially as a result of employers hate households – it’s as a result of the system was designed when most employees had stay-at-home wives managing every thing else.

Right this moment, when each companions work, this technique creates inconceivable selections. Somebody has to depart early for college pickups, somebody has to take day without work for sick kids, somebody has to handle the family coordination.

And guess what? Statistics present it’s overwhelmingly girls who make these profession sacrifices.

Now, we might have a look at this and say: “Ladies simply want to barter higher” or “Males have to step up extra.” And sure, particular person motion issues. However the deeper downside is a system that calls for employees faux they don’t have lives outdoors of labor.

The patriarchal system hurts everybody.

Associated: How Alanis Mentioned the Phrases We Wanted to Hear – Sympathetic Character

Males are pressured to be major breadwinners, typically working in jobs that drain their souls to supply for households they barely see. They’re discouraged from exhibiting vulnerability, from asking for assist, from prioritizing relationships over achievement. They miss out on the deep pleasure of being totally current with their kids.

Ladies are caught in an inconceivable double bind – anticipated to achieve success in careers designed for folks with wives, whereas additionally being the first caretakers and emotional managers of their households.

For this reason particular person options fall brief. You possibly can’t resolve a systemic downside with particular person effort alone. It’s like making an attempt to repair a damaged basis… by rearranging the furnishings.

However right here’s the revolutionary half – once we acknowledge patriarchy as a system… we are able to change it. We are able to create new constructions that work for everybody.

And that’s precisely what’s occurring in probably the most profitable partnerships I’ve studied. They’re not simply negotiating who does the dishes – they’re reimagining how households can operate. They’re not simply asking for office flexibility – they’re demonstrating what human-centered organizations appear like.

They’re constructing the brand new system… from the within out.

THE NARCISSISTIC ABUSE-PATRIARCHY CONNECTION (12 minutes)

Now I wish to take you deeper into one thing that basically modified how I perceive each private relationships and social programs.

There’s a profound connection between narcissistic abuse patterns and patriarchal constructions that most individuals by no means see. When you perceive this hyperlink… every thing begins to make sense in an entire new manner.

Let me begin with what we find out about narcissistic abuse.

Narcissistic abuse is a type of emotional abuse inflicted by people with narcissistic traits or narcissistic persona dysfunction. These people typically exhibit an absence of empathy and a powerful want for admiration, resulting in manipulative and dangerous behaviors.

The sample is devastatingly predictable: idealization… devaluation… and discarding.

First comes love-bombing, the place the abuser appears excellent, showering their goal with extreme consideration and affection. Then step by step… the criticism begins, the gaslighting, the undermining of self-worth. Lastly, the discarding part, the place the sufferer is left confused, depleted, and questioning their very own actuality.

And this sample cycles round and with every revolution there are variations of depth and evolution of patterns to disguise the true intent and the true stage of manipulation behind the scenes.

However right here’s what most individuals don’t understand – these identical patterns function at a societal stage by patriarchal programs.

Each narcissism and patriarchy prioritize energy over empathy. Similar to a narcissist makes use of manipulation to dominate a companion… patriarchy makes use of systemic constructions to keep up dominance over marginalized teams, significantly girls.

Give it some thought. In patriarchy, males are socialized to really feel entitled to respect, entitled to management, and even entitled to girls’s our bodies or emotional labor. That entitlement… mirrors what we see in narcissistic people.

A 2023 examine revealed one thing intriguing: when researchers checked out folks in forensic rehab, they discovered that these with grandiose narcissism have been extra probably to make use of violence in a calculated, deliberate manner. In the meantime, these with susceptible narcissism tended to lash out impulsively when upset or overwhelmed by their feelings.

What this tells us is that narcissistic abuse isn’t random – it’s strategic and systematic.

Now watch how this interprets to patriarchal programs.

Patriarchy additionally discourages males from expressing vulnerability or connecting deeply with others. Please return and take heed to Episode 93 – the place we talked about how illiteracy (emotional and monetary) was constructed into this construction. That could be a doozy of an episode. I’m certain you’ll take pleasure in how we break all of it down…

 However what occurs is that this creates a societal empathy hole, the place males are much less prone to assist gender fairness or perceive the emotional toll of oppression…

And probably the most chilling parallel is that this: We frequently consider gaslighting as an interpersonal tactic, however patriarchy gaslights whole teams of individuals…

Ladies, for example, are advised their struggles are exaggerated or their rights aren’t actually below assault—even when the proof is obvious. And don’t get me began on what number of docs simply inform girls that it’s simply anxiousness or they should drop pounds.  The societal gaslighting is out of whack.

I need you to consider your individual experiences for a second. Have you ever ever been advised you’re “too delicate” when stating inequality? Have you ever been accused of “making every thing about gender” once you discover patterns of discrimination?

That’s systemic gaslighting in motion.

They need girls to be quiet, to cease difficult the system, to cease giving pushback… to return to being compliant, and quiet as a mouse, struggling inside with a smile on their face whereas making banana bread sporting a Nineteen Fifties apron?

Did I simply say all that?

Narcissists thrive on energy… and management.

Patriarchal programs present a construction that completely aligns with their want for dominance.

By following patriarchal norms… and inflexible gender roles… narcissists and possibly even some psychopaths reinforce their energy… and preserve management over girls and different teams.

Right here’s what actually opened my eyes…

The widespread denominator in all these patterns… wasn’t simply particular person habits… however a lifetime of surviving trauma below programs that situation us to simply accept hurt.

Capitalism… that teaches value is tied to productiveness… and retains folks exhausted and determined.

Colonialism… that strips cultures of their roots… and imposes hierarchies of worth and energy.

Heteropatriarchy… that enforces strict roles… punishes deviation… and normalizes males’s dominance over girls.

Non secular trauma… that instills worry, disgrace, and unquestioning obedience… turning religion right into a software for management.

All these oppressive programs… weave collectively… trickling down into {our relationships}… fueling hurt, battle, and abuse.

They educate us to mistake management for care… sacrifice for love… silence for security.

And until we identify these forces… and see how they form each interplay… we keep caught… repeating the identical patterns… by no means understanding why actual partnership feels so out of attain.

This isn’t about demonizing people.

Why is true partnership so arduous to seek out?

In keeping with analysis printed within the Proceedings of the Nationwide Academy of Sciences… what researchers are discovering is that narcissism ranges have been growing amongst Western youth… and contribute to societal issues comparable to aggression and violence. However this isn’t occurring in a vacuum.

Narcissists typically develop up in societies that reinforce patriarchal values, norms, and gender roles. Do you assume this can be a coincidence?   Misogyny turns into normalized and shapes their perception system, perpetuating the cycle of narcissism, misogyny, and patriarchy. Go take heed to Episode 84 the place we speak about how misogyny is the ceremony of passage for masculinity. I’m certain you will love that episode.

Are you having fun with our present? Is that this info useful as we dissect narcissistic abuse from a really extensive lens, the 30,000 view? Are you studying new issues? Are you as fascinated by this topic as I’m?  In case you are listening on Apple or Spotify, give us a thumbs up evaluation, and drop a remark and share how a lot you might be having fun with our podcast.

Pause and Recap

Okay, let’s pause for a second right here. I do know we’ve coated numerous heavy materials, and I wish to be certain we’re all on the identical web page earlier than we dive deeper.

Right here’s what we’ve uncovered to this point: First, we talked about why making an attempt to “repair” particular person folks in relationships doesn’t truly work. It’s like making an attempt to unravel a puzzle once you’re lacking half the items.

Then we checked out what patriarchy actually is… and it’s not about males being evil. It’s a system – form of like invisible guidelines that govern how our society works. These guidelines harm everybody, not simply girls.

And right here’s the massive revelation: narcissistic abuse and patriarchy use the very same playbook. They each use isolation, gaslighting, making you query your actuality, and all these psychological tips to keep up energy and management.

The one that’s hurting you in your relationship? They realized these patterns someplace. And that someplace is usually a society that taught them these behaviors have been regular and even rewarded.

Now, earlier than anybody will get it twisted… this doesn’t imply we’re giving abusers a free go. You’re nonetheless accountable for your actions. However understanding the place these patterns come from? That’s how we truly cease them.

So as a substitute of simply asking “Why is my companion like this?” we begin asking “How can we create a world the place folks don’t be taught to be like this within the first place?”

As soon as all of it clicks, I’m surprised by how clear it turns into.

Make sense? Alright, let’s preserve going.

Once we perceive this connection… every thing shifts. We cease asking “How do I repair this narcissistic individual?” and begin asking “How can we create programs that don’t produce narcissistic patterns within the first place?”

That is the place the hen’s eye view turns into so highly effective. From above, you may see that what seems to be like particular person relationship issues are literally signs of a lot bigger systemic points.

While you begin seeing these connections, it turns into clear that patriarchy operates like a narcissistic abuser on a grand societal stage.

The therapeutic occurs once we acknowledge that each narcissistic abuse and patriarchal oppression use the identical ways: isolation, gaslighting, emotional manipulation, and deep psychological instruments designed to systematically erode self-trust.

These programs make use of love-bombing adopted by withdrawal of affection… creating trauma bonds that preserve victims connected to their abusers. They use projection – continuously accusing their targets of the very behaviors they themselves exhibit. They make use of triangulation… pitting folks towards one another to keep up management. They use intermittent reinforcement – unpredictable rewards and punishments that create addictive attachment patterns.

And right here’s the thought-provoking query: Is it true that once we deal with patriarchal programs, we’re concurrently addressing the situations that produce narcissistic abuse patterns?

…and that we aren’t simply therapeutic particular person relationships – we’re therapeutic the foundation causes that create these dynamics within the first place.

For this reason understanding patriarchy isn’t about blaming males or excusing girls. It’s about seeing the larger image from that 30,000-foot stage… so we are able to create lasting change that liberates everybody from these harmful patterns.

However let me be crystal clear… we’re not letting anybody off the hook fully. Males are nonetheless accountable for his or her actions and choices as are girls. Understanding these systemic influences doesn’t erase private accountability. It’s not a free-for-all out right here.

The distinction is that this: We are able to maintain folks accountable whereas concurrently working to vary the programs that created the issue. We are able to say, “Your habits precipitated hurt and you might want to take accountability for that,” AND “let’s additionally deal with why these patterns preserve repeating throughout generations.”

SEGMENT 4: WHAT TRUE PARTNERSHIP LOOKS LIKE

This isn’t about excuses… It’s about options that really work…

So what does it truly appear like once we transfer past patriarchal patterns towards genuine partnership? … Let me share some examples from {couples} who’ve made this shift.

Meet Alex and Jordan.

Once they first received collectively, they fell into conventional patterns with out even realizing it. Alex, who occurred to be a lady, naturally took on emotional labor – remembering and planning the social calendar, managing family provides, anticipating and smoothing over conflicts. Jordan, a person, targeted on monetary provision and main choices, took out the trash and mowed the garden…

However over time… they began noticing how this division was limiting each of them… Alex felt overwhelmed and resentful… Jordan felt disconnected from the day by day rhythm of their shared life and unsure about emotional dynamics.

Right here’s what they did that was totally different from typical relationship recommendation…

As an alternative of simply redistributing duties, they questioned your complete framework… They requested: “What would our family appear like if we designed it from scratch, primarily based on our precise values and strengths?”

What a novel concept…

They realized that their present system was constructed on assumptions they’d by no means examined — assumptions like males should lead and ladies should observe… that emotional labor is a lady’s obligation… that aggression is energy and vulnerability is weak point… that love is confirmed by enduring disrespect… that the person of the home must be the breadwinner, and that management is an indication of dedication quite than a purple flag.

These unstated beliefs and internal assumptions that have been by no means questioned earlier than formed each interplay, turning relationships into quiet battlegrounds the place energy mattered greater than partnership. The place not directly one-upping the opposite meant greater than respect… 

They noticed the imbalance of energy of their relationship…

They noticed the hierarchy…

They noticed the anticipated gender roles…

They noticed how these assumptions had been handed down by generations, disguised as custom or widespread sense, and the way unquestioned norms stored everybody — women and men alike — trapped in patterns of harm and confusion.

They usually noticed how those that even started to query these traditions have been frowned upon for even discussing…

They needed to dive into historical past that folks advised them to by no means focus on.

As a result of when assumptions stay invisible… they continue to be unchallenged. And once they stay unchallenged… they preserve the system alive.

Why ought to one individual maintain all of the emotional consciousness? Why ought to monetary choices be separate from day by day life administration? Why ought to battle decision be one individual’s job?

In order that they redesigned their partnership round particular person expertise and distributed accountability. This wasn’t about splitting every thing fifty-fifty – it was about each folks being totally current and engaged with all points of their shared life.

Jordan began creating his emotional intelligence and consciousness of family wants. Not as a result of Alex demanded it… however as a result of he acknowledged how a lot richer his life turned when he was totally current.

Alex began partaking extra actively within the funds and main choices. Not as a result of Jordan pushed her to… however as a result of she realized how a lot private energy she gained by being totally knowledgeable and concerned.

However right here’s the essential half – they didn’t simply change their private dynamics… They began questioning patriarchal assumptions all over the place…  At their work, they advocated for insurance policies that supported complete human beings, not simply financial items. Of their social circles, they modeled other ways of being in a relationship.

It seemed like interrupting jokes that mocked feelings… refusing to rejoice males for fundamental acts of care whereas anticipating girls to sacrifice endlessly… and difficult associates once they praised management or jealousy as proof of affection.

On the workplace, it seemed like talking up when girls have been talked over or concepts stolen… pushing for parental depart insurance policies… and redefining management to worth empathy and collaboration over aggression.

And a few of these appear so far-off from the present tendencies within the USA proper now.

In relationships, it meant practising trustworthy conversations as a substitute of energy performs… creating house for companions to indicate worry or doubt with out judgment… and prioritizing mutual respect over silent resentment.

It meant dwelling each day as if equality wasn’t simply an concept… however a collection of selections that, second by second, might construct a distinct world.

However what occurred with Alex and Jordan?

True Partnership

They turned a part of creating new cultural norms…

That is what dismantling patriarchy truly seems to be like in follow. It’s not about girls changing into extra like conventional males or males changing into extra like conventional girls. It’s about everybody changing into extra totally human.

The actual downside isn’t that males doubt their very own humanity — it’s that the system teaches them to see their expertise because the default for what it means to be human, whereas viewing girls as different, or lesser or secondary…

The system taught them to see themselves because the default for humanity… whereas seeing girls as a class aside… objects of service, objects of delight, or sources of consolation, caretakers, family managers, babymakers, or obstacles to manage.

Dismantling patriarchy in follow isn’t about girls toughening as much as match a male mould, or males softening to undertake stereotypical femininity… It’s about recognizing that everybody’s full humanity has been distorted, by design, and that males’s failure to see girls as equally human has stored BOTH trapped in inflexible roles.

It means males studying to see girls not as extensions of their wants or exams of their energy… however as complete folks with company… complexity… and an equal declare to dignity and respect. And it means girls now not shrinking themselves or carrying the burden of managing males’s feelings simply to remain secure or cherished. Not fearing they need to be compliant and silent… with the intention to preserve a roof over their head…

As a result of true partnership begins when either side are allowed, and anticipated, to indicate up as totally human — and when the system that advantages from something much less is now not left unchallenged…

Let’s have a look at some concrete examples of how this performs out systemically:

In workplaces, it means creating cultures the place everybody can deliver their complete selves to work – the place taking good care of household isn’t seen as a lady’s challenge, however a human one. The place emotional intelligence is valued alongside technical expertise. The place collaboration is rewarded as a lot as particular person achievement.

In parenting, it means elevating kids who see caregiving and offering as shared duties, no matter gender. It means modeling emotional expression and vulnerability for our sons… and modeling energy and management for our daughters.

This sounds just like the land of utopia…  It simply goes to indicate how far we have now to go…

In coverage, it means advocating for programs that assist households – parental depart for all mother and father, versatile work preparations, common childcare, healthcare that doesn’t depend upon employment standing…

That is how actual change occurs. Not by particular person {couples} preventing about who did the dishes… however by collective reimagining of how we manage society to assist people flourishing.

Are you on board? …

And the attractive factor is… once we method change this manner… we’re not preventing towards males or girls… we’re preventing for everybody’s liberation from limiting programs.

The system didn’t simply seem out of nowhere.

It exists for a purpose.

For hundreds of years… patriarchy has supplied males safety… standing… and a way of management — even when that management got here at the price of genuine connection.

It promised a transparent hierarchy… with males on prime… and ladies anticipated to serve, soothe, and sacrifice.

This construction made survival appear safer… as a result of when sources have been scarce… and energy decided who ate, who lived, who thrived… domination felt like safety.

It taught that vulnerability was harmful… that feelings have been liabilities… that empathy made you weak.

And so… technology after technology… folks realized to commerce humanity for hierarchy… believing inflexible roles would preserve chaos at bay.

What as soon as appeared like safety… now traps us in cycles of worry… resentment… and loneliness.

As a result of programs constructed on management can’t foster actual love… and guidelines written to divide can by no means result in equality.

Right this moment… we’re pulling again the curtain on why the system is the way in which it’s… and why true partnership calls for extra than simply good intentions, how narcissistic abuse thrives in the sort of surroundings.

As we wrap up at present’s episode, do not forget that dismantling patriarchy isn’t about preventing towards males or girls – it’s about preventing for everybody’s full humanity.

So I’ll depart you with this query: What would your relationships appear like in the event that they have been designed from scratch… primarily based in your deepest values quite than inherited assumptions?

What would your office appear like? Your neighborhood? Your loved ones?

That imaginative and prescient you simply imagined? That’s not only a dream – it’s a blueprint for the work we’re all referred to as to do.

Thanks for becoming a member of me for this deep dive into genuine partnership, patriarchal deconditioning, and the way it all ties in with narcissistic abuse from a 30,000-foot stage.  If at present’s dialog resonated with you, I’d love to listen to your ideas and experiences.

That is Lynn, and that is one other episode of the Narcissistic Abuse Restoration Podcast. I’ll see you within the subsequent one.

REFERENCES AND SOURCES

Analysis on Narcissistic Abuse and Patriarchy Connection:

Tutorial Analysis on Narcissism and Intimate Associate Violence:

• Oliver, E., Coates, A., Bennett, J. M., & Willis, M. L. (2023). “Narcissism and Intimate Associate Violence: A Systematic Assessment and Meta-Evaluation.” Trauma, Violence, & Abuse. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11155208/
• Inexperienced, A., & Charles, Ok. (2019). “Voicing the Victims of Narcissistic Companions: A Qualitative Evaluation of Responses to Narcissistic Damage and Self-Esteem Regulation.” https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/2158244019846693

Analysis on the Results of Narcissistic Abuse:

Tutorial Analysis on Narcissism and Social Methods:

Analysis on Origins and Growth of Narcissism:

Systemic Evaluation:

true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership true partnership