“Whether or not you suppose you may, otherwise you suppose you may’t, you’re proper.” ~Henry Ford
We’ve all been there: fortunately ticking off life’s checkboxes, sure we’ve cracked the code, till—bam!—life decides in any other case. Divorce papers, layoffs, grief, or sudden sickness—life’s curveballs don’t discriminate.
For me, it was a sudden thriller sickness at sixteen. What ought to have been a easy an infection modified the trajectory of my complete life. Docs have been at a loss, exams supplied no solutions, and I used to be left navigating an unsure actuality, desperately clinging to manage as my lifeline.
Someday I’m cheering on the Friday night time soccer recreation, and the subsequent I’m navigating a seemingly countless string of endoscopies, colonoscopies, biopsies, EEGs, EKGs, psych exams, numerous blood exams, and nonetheless no solutions.
I bear in mind the day all of it went incorrect.
I used to be in highschool watching a film at a pal’s home once we burned the popcorn. Annoying, positive, however not a trigger for concern. Aside from me, the room began spinning, and my head felt prefer it was going to blow up, so I stepped exterior to get some air.
Subsequent factor I do know, the lovable boy I had a crush on discovered me handed out within the driveway. This was the start of chasing signs that have been solely getting extra mysterious and more and more worrisome.
Navigating a persistent thriller sickness as a younger grownup felt unimaginable, devastatingly unfair, and inconsistent. One week I’d suppose the worst was behind me, lastly in a position to put my life again collectively, and the subsequent I used to be blindsided as soon as once more by some new symptom.
My associates have been getting jobs, going to events, relationship, and discovering who they have been whereas I used to be curled up on the lavatory ground. By my twenties, leaving essential conferences at work to throw up blood within the rest room was my regular.
The toughest half was by no means figuring out if I might belief my very own physique. Was I going to get up wholesome or in excruciating ache?
I spent years in sufferer mode, attempting to “get it proper,” believing if I attempted onerous sufficient I might management my manner out of the issue. If I might simply anticipate each twist, I’d by no means really feel blindsided once more.
Spoiler alert: it didn’t work. My well being spiraled, my relationships suffered, and monetary issues and self-medication changed self-compassion and safety. No quantity of management shielded me from the inevitable messiness of being human, particularly a human with a persistent sickness.
Alongside the way in which, there have been so many rock bottoms I’m unsure I might select one pivotal second. By the point I used to be approaching thirty, I had been on state incapacity and was taking so many meds that I used to be having paranoid, suicidal ideas. It was clear that no matter uphill battle I used to be preventing wasn’t working, however I didn’t see one other manner out, and I used to be too younger to surrender. I feel they name this being caught between a rock and a tough place.
There was nowhere to go for recommendation or extra solutions, and that’s the loneliest I’ve ever been. The unknown was sitting there, staring me within the face, enjoying a recreation of hen.
Regardless of any proof that I used to be going to win, I wasn’t going to again down both. So I walked away from conventional remedy plans, which weren’t working anyway, and targeted on what I might management: my mindset and my angle. It was time to discover ways to make proverbial lemonade from a batch of rotten lemons.
To protect the small quantity of sanity I had left, curiosity grew to become my lifeline. Since resisting or controlling actuality didn’t work, what if I obtained interested by it as an alternative? This wasn’t about blind optimism, poisonous positivity, or magical considering. Frankly, manifesting and cosmic belief felt too far-fetched for somebody who didn’t know if they might be capable to bodily or mentally get away from bed.
I wanted one thing sensible, one thing that felt grounded and potential. “What if?” helped me droop actuality simply lengthy sufficient to see issues otherwise. It shifted from a difficult self-experiment to my new guideline.
- What if my physique wasn’t betraying me however educating me one thing essential?
- What if each upheaval wasn’t punishment however an invite to deeper self-awareness?
- What if I might discover a approach to be pleased, even when life wasn’t what I believed it will be?
- What if I wasn’t damaged; I simply wanted to do issues otherwise than different individuals?
- What if it didn’t must be this difficult?
Over time, curiosity helped me open a brand new actuality, one the place my largest ache was additionally my best trainer. I used to be pressured to observe sitting within the discomfort of the unknown and am all the higher for it. Finally, I used to be recognized with a mitochondrial dysfunction, however on the time, remedy choices have been restricted, so my analysis didn’t present any extra certainty than earlier than.
The street was lengthy and bumpy, to say the least. I imply, there was a whole decade I used to be hopeless, jobless, and puking blood on the every day. However alongside the way in which, my medical journey pressured me to embrace a brand new narrative, one the place I didn’t see myself as sick. I modified my relationship to not solely my physique but in addition to how I take a look at life. What felt like a limitation was the important thing to unlocking my liberation—I simply didn’t realize it on the time.
Whereas not a magic capsule, this shift helped me heal and keep wholesome for nearly ten years. Little did I do know that one other curveball was ready for me on my fortieth birthday.
After struggling mildew poisoning on account of a water leak in my residence, my mitochondrial dysfunction got here again in full pressure. I used to be puking blood on the lavatory ground and all. This time, I wasn’t sixteen, and I had the instruments to reclaim my energy when every thing round me was falling aside. As an alternative of spiraling about my lack of management or the unfair circumstances, I had the framework to maneuver ahead.
This didn’t change my very actual and painful challenges. It didn’t reduce the monetary blow or logistical upheaval to my life. Nevertheless it did permit me to traverse a relapse with the curiosity I wanted to maneuver ahead calmly and confidently, regardless of this new uncertainty.
In the event you’ve struggled with Hashimoto’s, perimenopause, intestine points, persistent fatigue, again ache, melancholy, or another undesirable analysis, possibly you may relate. That’s the factor about persistent sickness—the signs could also be completely different, however the ache of figuring out the best way to transfer ahead is often the identical.
My classes have been hard-earned, however they helped me rework ache into risk when every thing felt unsure, and hopefully, they may also help you too.
My three steps to navigating life’s uncertainties:
1. Curiosity is the door to risk.
When life inevitably disrupts your fastidiously laid plans, permit your self the house to grieve the lack of your expectations. Let your self really feel the ache as a result of acceptance is vital to shifting ahead. Then gently ask, “What if?”
This could really feel disruptive at first as a result of, in the event you’re like me, you’ll cling to the truth you realize like a life raft in a stormy sea. However in the event you can’t even entertain a special end result for a second, then nothing will ever change.
- What if my physique isn’t failing however asking me to decelerate?
- What if ending this relationship permits house for a deeper connection?
- What if shedding my job is forcing me to not accept ok?
- What if this example is asking me to lastly face a tough reality I’ve been hiding from?
This isn’t naive positivity; it’s a strong cognitive shift. Curiosity disrupts ordinary considering and creates house for brand spanking new truths you beforehand couldn’t think about. Whenever you discover completely different realities, you can begin seeing alternative the place earlier than all you noticed was ache.
Motion: Checklist your present struggles. Beside every, write down one daring, curiosity-driven “What if?” query. It isn’t wishful considering—it’s difficult your self to open your thoughts to a brand new risk.
2. Radical accountability is your private energy.
We’re all storytellers, weaving which means into the occasions in our lives. For years, my narrative was, “This isn’t truthful,” “Why did this occur to me,” or “I’m sick, so one thing’s essentially incorrect with me.”
Whereas not nice for my psychological well being, this narrative supplied consolation as a result of there’s security in certainty—and in the event you’re the sufferer of your personal story, you don’t want to vary. However consolation got here at the price of my company. Even when it isn’t your fault, you might be accountable for the state of your life as a result of what you don’t change, you select.
Over time, I acknowledged that whereas the constraints of my sickness have been actual, my id didn’t need to be outlined by them. Radical accountability doesn’t imply blaming your self or anybody else for all times’s twists. It means reclaiming your skill to decide on the way you interpret and deal with these occasions.
I finally selected to rewrite my narrative: my sickness wasn’t proof I used to be damaged; it was proof of my resilience, a catalyst for progress, and my best trainer. This allowed me to create a actuality the place I wasn’t simply enduring a persistent sickness; I used to be thriving and studying the best way to turn into one of the best model of myself.
Motion: Write down a perception that’s preserving you caught. Rewrite it beginning with, “I select to consider… as a result of…” Then determine if that perception is serving you, or if you wish to make a special selection. Discover how this shift feels. You management the narrative, not the circumstance.
3. Neighborhood is the important thing to braveness.
Dealing with uncertainty alone is overwhelming and counterproductive. Who you encompass your self with not solely offers help; it shapes your actuality profoundly. I discovered shortly that surrounding myself with individuals who validated my struggles as an alternative of my progress saved me spinning in cycles.
Statements like “Life isn’t truthful,” “There may be by no means sufficient,” or “That’s simply how issues are” are all over the place, however they turn into silent saboteurs. What you say and who you spend time with form what you consider is feasible for your self and others.
Discovering individuals, locations, and hobbies that help your curiosity, problem your notion of what’s potential, and encourage your evolution are important. I’ve been moments away from quitting numerous instances, solely to be saved by those that jogged my memory of my power and progress. I take a look at the individuals round me with deep love, gratitude, and respect as a result of how they present up on the planet jogs my memory of what’s potential.
Motion: Mirror truthfully in your relationships. Checklist individuals who encourage braveness and progress and people who reinforce limitations, even when they imply effectively. Prioritize nurturing the supportive connections.
The Takeaway
My expertise navigating a lifetime of persistent sickness has taught me which you can’t battle the inevitable, messy elements of life. They aren’t all the time truthful (or enjoyable), however you could find freedom as an alternative of worry through the liminal areas. Embracing uncertainty, nevertheless uncomfortable, has proven me that when every thing is unknown, something is feasible.
In the event you’re skeptical, I perceive—I’ve been there. However what if the unknown isn’t one thing to worry however one thing to discover? What if embracing uncertainty is the key superpower you’ve been in search of?
Whether or not it’s coping with persistent sickness or another sudden plot twist life throws your manner, moving into the unknown isn’t straightforward, however belief me, it’s so price it. On the opposite facet is a life that’s authentically, unapologetically yours—messy, imperfect, and profoundly liberating.
About Erin Brennan
Erin Brennan is a storyteller and filmmaker who believes one of the best ways by way of life’s messiest moments is to ask worry in for a glass of wine. Erin’s work challenges you to swap certainty for curiosity. With a delicate shift in perspective, she invitations you to seek out risk within the unknown, in the event you’re courageous sufficient to point out up and say sure. Erin is presently engaged on her first documentary, asking: What if chasing your wildest goals meant staring down your largest fears? Her writing delivers powerful love and unfiltered sincere insights to assist individuals get out of their very own approach to reside life on their very own phrases.