Podcast Episode: The Awakening – When You Understand It’s Not Simply Your Associate
A journey from private ache to systemic understanding
Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Restoration Podcast
Host: Lynn Nichols
Comply with our work past the podcast: We publish essays and insights on Medium via our Transferring Ahead with Hope publication, and it’s also possible to discover further content material and group updates on our Substack. Be part of us there to go deeper, join with others, and assist the motion.
Lynn is a heartfelt advocate for private progress and empowerment, and writes with uncooked perception on navigating narcissistic abuse, poisonous relationships, and generally the societal challenges tied to the patriarchy. With a deeply experiential strategy, her tales make clear the emotional complexities of breaking free from poisonous patterns and reclaiming one’s voice. L.N. provides recent views on gender dynamics, self-worth, and therapeutic, encouraging readers to rebuild from inside and revolutionize their relationships.
Lynn can also be a trauma-informed narcissistic abuse restoration coach and podcast host. She creates movies on her YouTube channel to deliver the message of therapeutic and restoration. Be taught extra on her web site right here.
Each System
You thought it was simply them. Your accomplice… your boss… your ex. You lastly found narcissistic manipulation, had a reputation for what you’d been dwelling via… and it felt like somebody had thrown open a door you didn’t even know existed.
However then… one thing actually unsettling began occurring.
You started noticing the very same patterns… all over the place. The identical ways your poisonous accomplice used… displaying up in courtrooms. The identical gaslighting… coming out of your physician. The identical manipulation… occurring at work, at church, even together with your closest associates.
And all of a sudden this terrifying query begins forming in your thoughts… What if this isn’t nearly one sick particular person? What if… what if the entire system is designed this manner?
Welcome again to the Narcissistic Abuse Restoration Podcast everybody. I’m Lynn your host, and… okay, I’m not gonna mislead you. At this time’s episode is heavy. Like… actually heavy. However it’s additionally going to be probably the most validating hour you’ve spent in a very long time.
Disclaimer
Earlier than we dive in, I need to provide you with a heads up about right this moment’s content material. This episode offers with heavy subjects together with narcissistic manipulation, monetary management, emotional trauma, office harassment, non secular institutional betrayal, authorized system abuse, medical gaslighting, and systemic oppression. We’ll be discussing experiences that could be triggering for survivors of poisonous relationships, office harassment, home violence, financial abuse, or institutional betrayal.In case you’re presently in an unsafe scenario, experiencing ongoing manipulation, or feeling overwhelmed by these subjects, please prioritize your security and wellbeing. You’ll be able to all the time pause this episode and are available again to it whenever you’re in a greater headspace. Belief your instincts about what you possibly can deal with proper now.
There are sources listed in our present notes should you want speedy assist, and keep in mind that therapeutic isn’t linear. Maintain your self first, all the time.
Take heed to the Podcast Episode Right here
At this time, we’re speaking about that second… that earth-shattering second… whenever you notice narcissistic manipulation isn’t simply occurring in your relationship. It’s embedded in each single establishment round us. We’re going to discover how the identical ways that almost destroyed your sanity in your private life… are literally the inspiration of how our total society operates.
I do know… I do know that sounds dramatic. However stick to me right here as a result of…..by the top of this episode, you’re going to see patterns you by no means seen earlier than. And actually? It’s going to alter all the things.
So seize your espresso, get comfy, and let’s dive into this collectively…
The Awakening Second
So right here you might be… lastly understanding what occurred to you. You’ve received the vocabulary now – love bombing, gaslighting, triangulation. You’ll be able to title the ways that made you are feeling such as you have been shedding your thoughts.
And for some time, that feels… liberating, proper? Like, lastly… somebody will get it. Lastly, there’s an evidence for why you felt so loopy, so trapped, so… invisible.
However then… …one thing bizarre begins occurring.
You’re sitting in household courtroom, watching your ex work his appeal on the choose… and also you’re pondering, “Wait a minute. This feels… acquainted.” He’s portray you because the unstable one, making himself look affordable and anxious… and the choose is shopping for it. Hook, line, and sinker.
Or possibly you’re at work, and your boss is doing that factor once more… you recognize, the place they promise you the world in public, then tear you down in non-public. And also you’re pondering… “Didn’t my ex do precisely this?”
Otherwise you go to your physician, exhausted and anxious, making an attempt to clarify what you’ve been via… they usually hand you a prescription and recommend possibly you’re “overthinking issues.” And also you stroll out feeling… gaslit. Once more.
That’s when it hits you, isn’t it? This sick feeling in your abdomen whenever you notice… Oh my God. It’s not simply him. It’s… all over the place.
And actually? That realization is each terrifying… and weirdly validating. Since you begin to perceive that you simply weren’t loopy. You weren’t weak. You have been coping with one thing a lot larger than one poisonous particular person.
Associated: Alexithymia
You have been up in opposition to… a system.
“Wait… I’m Trapped by Cash Too”
Ship us a Tip
Let’s begin with one thing that… God, this one hits so near house for nearly everybody listening. You couldn’t depart since you couldn’t afford to. Easy as that.
Perhaps you didn’t have your personal checking account… or your personal credit score… and even your personal automobile. You thought this was simply… I don’t know, poor planning in your half? Like you need to’ve been extra financially impartial?
Right here’s what’s going to blow your thoughts… and I imply actually mess together with your head. Prepared for this? 93% of individuals experiencing monetary manipulation lack entry to their very own cash. 93 %. Most of them get money allowances… like youngsters… and need to account for each penny they spend.
However wait… there’s extra. Globally… get this… over 2.7 billion girls are legally restricted from having the identical job selections as males. Billion. With a B.
Now, I do know what a few of you might be pondering. “However I’ve a job. I make my very own cash. This doesn’t apply to me.” And also you’re proper… form of. Many ladies right this moment do have extra monetary choices than our moms or grandmothers did.
However right here’s what’s actually twisted about trendy monetary manipulation…
The lure has developed.
Your accomplice may not forestall you from working anymore… that will be too apparent, proper? As an alternative, he reveals up at your office throughout necessary conferences. He creates chaos at house the evening earlier than your large presentation… so that you’re too exhausted to carry out properly. He convinces you to place the home in his title… “for tax functions,” after all.
Does any of this sound… acquainted?
I bear in mind speaking to Angela… she labored at a automobile dealership, coping with harassment each single day. When she lastly reported it, you recognize what administration instructed her? “Boys shall be boys. Perhaps you need to loosen up a little bit.”
After 4 months of that, she took a pay minimize… a pay minimize… to work as a trainer’s assistant at eight {dollars} an hour. Eight. {Dollars}. An hour.
That’s not coincidence, people. That’s the system working precisely as designed.
And simply when girls began gaining some monetary floor… guess what’s occurring? Legal guidelines proscribing reproductive selections… forcing girls into unplanned pregnancies that derail careers. Cuts to childcare funding… trapping girls at house. Assaults on no-fault divorce legal guidelines… making it financially devastating to go away a poisonous marriage.
In lots of states proper now… as we communicate… legislators are actively working to remove no-fault divorce. They need to make it tougher and dearer for ladies to go away dangerous relationships.
It’s like they’re taking notes out of your manipulator’s playbook.
“Even My Church Informed Me to Submit and Forgive”
Oh… this one. This one makes my blood boil each single time.
Perhaps probably the most devastating betrayal of all… in search of assist out of your religion group, solely to be instructed that your function was to be extra submissive. Extra forgiving. Extra… Christ-like in your struggling.
“Marriage is sacred,” they stated. “Have you ever prayed about this? Perhaps God is utilizing this to show you persistence.”
Are you kidding me?
You have been instructed that leaving would imply giving up on God’s plan. That your accomplice’s dangerous habits was one thing you wanted to hope via… moderately than a harmful sample requiring speedy intervention.
Some non secular leaders even urged… and I can barely say this with out getting offended… that your failure to be a “adequate” spouse was one way or the other contributing to the manipulation you have been experiencing.
Let that sink in for a minute…
Right here’s what’s really occurring. Non secular establishments… significantly these with conventional hierarchical buildings… can inadvertently allow poisonous habits via teachings that prioritize submission and forgiveness over security and wellbeing.
However let me ask you one thing… why don’t these establishments train you methods to detect manipulation or toxicity? Why isn’t “recognizing dangerous habits” a part of Sunday faculty curriculum?
May it’s… and that is only a thought… as a result of many spiritual establishments interact in the identical or related management ways? Give it some thought. In case you discovered to acknowledge manipulation, gaslighting, and energy performs… you would possibly begin noticing them within the very establishment making an attempt to show you. After which what? They could lose your attendance, your giving, your donations… their status.
Do they lack coaching on goal? Or maybe they declare to not know… When non secular authority figures say they lack coaching in recognizing dangerous patterns… is that basically the case? Or is it extra handy to stay willfully ignorant about dynamics that may implicate their very own energy buildings?
However is anybody holding HIM accountable? Anybody?
As an alternative, you get platitudes like “Effectively, should you weren’t so argumentative, possibly he wouldn’t have to boost his voice.” Or “Maybe should you have been extra supportive of his management within the house…” or my private favourite… “Have you ever thought of what you is perhaps doing to impress this habits?”
You already know what? I have to share one thing with you right here. I don’t normally get this private, however… this hits too near house to not.
I grew up within the evangelical church. I graduated from a Christian college. I used to be even learning to be a missionary. I lived and breathed these things for many years.
After I lastly received married at 40… and my husband and I began having severe points… we went to the pastor who had married us. He was a very good good friend of my husband’s, which ought to have been my first pink flag. We went to his home… pondering he would perceive, pondering he might assist us work via what was occurring.
I’m sitting there of their lounge, making an attempt to clarify what’s occurring in my marriage… the manipulation, the management, the best way I’m being handled… and you recognize what this pastor says to me?
He asks if I’m simply upset about… get this… whiskers within the sink. Beard trimmings. From my husband’s shaving.
I had by no means… not as soon as… talked about something about whiskers in a sink. That had by no means even come up. However there he was, decreasing my reliable issues about manipulation and poisonous habits to… housekeeping complaints.
He was minimizing. He was dismissing. He was gaslighting me identical to my husband was.
However right here’s the half that also provides me chills… His spouse. This pricey lady who had been sitting there in silence the entire time… as we’re strolling to our vehicles within the car parking zone, she pulls me apart.
She provides me a hug and whispers in my ear… “You’re going to want to search out another person who understands and might deal with the actual relationship dynamic you’re coping with.”
She knew. She understood precisely what was occurring. However she was held in silence… couldn’t communicate up in entrance of her husband, couldn’t contradict the pastor’s authority in his own residence.
However she discovered a approach to give me the path I wanted. And I shall be without end grateful for her braveness… and her knowledge.
That’s after I realized… the very establishment I had devoted my life to… was defending my abuser and silencing those that wished to assist me.
That is the place the cracks on this system began for me.
“My Boss Makes use of the Precise Identical Techniques…”
And talking of establishments that shield manipulators whereas silencing victims… let’s discuss in regards to the office.
Okay, elevate your hand should you’ve had this realization… and I do know you possibly can’t really elevate your palms, however I guess half of you simply nodded.
That second whenever you’re sitting at work, and also you notice… your narcissistic boss operates with the very same playbook as your poisonous accomplice.
The love bombing whenever you began the job… “You’re precisely what this firm wants! We’re so fortunate to have you ever!”
The gradual devaluation… all of a sudden nothing you do is true.
The general public humiliation… calling you out in conferences for issues that aren’t even your fault.
The gaslighting about what was “actually” stated in conversations…
Sound acquainted?
Right here’s a statistic that’s going to make you are feeling… properly, most likely offended, but additionally much less alone. In a examine of 40 individuals who skilled narcissistic manipulation in office environments… 95% of makes an attempt to reveal their manipulator have been unsuccessful.
95 %.
Even once they collected proof for months… generally years… it nonetheless wasn’t sufficient.
Has this occurred to you?
Let me inform you about Mark’s expertise… and see if this feels like your story too.
He was welcomed with open arms… guarantees of wonderful success and rewards. Inside three weeks… three weeks… the micromanagement started. Half a dozen calls per day, checking up on him. Then a dozen calls. When he wanted sources to do his job… denied.
When he sought assist from a office advocate… she personally knew his manipulator and refused to consider something dangerous was occurring. “I do know her,” she stated. “She would by no means try this.”
Doesn’t that simply make your pores and skin crawl? The identical denial… the identical safety of the poisonous particular person?
Right here’s what’s actually occurring. Conventional energy buildings reward narcissistic traits once they’re labeled as “management” and “confidence.” What you skilled as manipulation… organizations have a good time as “sturdy management.”
And right here’s the place it will get actually disturbing… 50% of girls depart tech jobs earlier than age 35. Half. Earlier than they even attain the midpoint of their careers.
Girls are leaving tech at a forty five% greater charge than males. And get this… 43% of girls in tech take into consideration leaving their function at the very least as soon as per week. Each. Single. Week.
You need to know why? 78% of girls in tech really feel they need to work tougher than male colleagues simply to show their price. And with regards to promotions? Solely 52 girls are promoted for each 100 males in tech… in comparison with 87 girls per 100 males in different industries.
The system isn’t simply failing girls… it’s actively pushing them out.
Girls maintain solely 28% of managerial positions globally. The identical proportion as 1995. We’re not shifting backward… however we’re positive not shifting ahead both.
It’s just like the system discovered its candy spot… simply sufficient progress to stop rebel… not sufficient to truly change something.
Even My Physician Didn’t Consider Me…
This one….this one hits completely different, doesn’t it?
You drag your self to the physician’s workplace… exhausted, anxious, possibly having panic assaults. You attempt to clarify what’s been occurring at house. You’re hoping… praying… that somebody with medical coaching will see the indicators.
As an alternative… you get a prescription for antidepressants and a delicate suggestion that possibly you’re “overthinking issues.”
Healthcare programs typically miss the actual downside completely… whereas pathologizing the sufferer. The hypervigilance, the confusion, the self-doubt that comes from narcissistic manipulation… these get misinterpreted with out understanding the context.
I take into consideration Melissa’s story on a regular basis. She got here to remedy displaying each single signal of narcissistic manipulation… however couldn’t clearly outline her expertise. She felt, in her phrases, “lined in a shroud that nobody else can see and that nobody else wears.”
Are you able to think about feeling that remoted? That invisible?
And right here’s the actually twisted half… manipulative individuals have discovered to weaponize the healthcare system. They file petitions for involuntary dedication. They use psychological well being issues to discredit their victims in custody battles.
They’ve turned the very programs meant that will help you… into weapons in opposition to you.
Girls’s complaints have traditionally been dismissed as “emotional” or “hysterical.” This isn’t medical oversight, people. This can be a characteristic… not a bug… of a system that serves manipulators completely.
My Mates… They Selected Him
Oh… this one would possibly damage probably the most.
The isolation… it damage nearly as a lot because the manipulation itself, didn’t it? Your mutual associates believed his model of occasions. They noticed his appeal, his success, his “reasonableness”… in comparison with your “emotional instability.”
You misplaced your total social community… in a single day.
Right here’s what you’re beginning to perceive now… Many ladies unknowingly assist these energy buildings by policing different girls’s habits. We’re taught to compete with one another for male validation… as an alternative of recognizing we’re all coping with the identical systemic points.
We’re conditioned to hunt male approval as a measure of our self-worth… which reinforces hierarchies the place males’s opinions matter greater than our personal experiences.
Techniques that prioritize “maintaining the peace” and avoiding battle… inadvertently silence those that communicate up about dangerous habits. When establishments care extra about defending their status than defending people… they create environments the place talking up feels extra harmful than staying silent.
Your pals weren’t essentially unhealthy individuals… They have been merchandise of the identical system that taught you to doubt your personal actuality.
However that doesn’t make it damage any much less, does it?
And what if it was your folks, that you simply had earlier than the wedding, additionally took his aspect, and blamed you, that may be a complete different layer of devastation.
“Wait… The Courts Did the SAME Factor to Me”
And now… we get to the massive one. The authorized system.
You’re sitting in household courtroom… watching your ex appeal the choose whereas portray you because the unstable one. You thought it was simply unhealthy luck… possibly an inexperienced legal professional.
However you then begin listening to the identical story… from lady after lady after lady.
Manipulative individuals systematically weaponize the authorized system. Frivolous lawsuits designed to empty your checking account. False accusations that drive you right into a defensive place. Procedural manipulation that drags issues out for months… or years.
They use discovery requests to share embarrassing details about you. They file safety orders when there’s been no contact. They make false studies to Baby Protecting Providers.
Household courts are significantly weak as a result of narcissists view the courtroom as simply one other stage… one other alternative to display their energy whereas victimizing their goal.
Sarah’s story breaks my coronary heart. Her ex filed movement after movement… delaying proceedings for months whereas she hemorrhaged cash on authorized charges. When she lastly received a restraining order… he violated it repeatedly. However one way or the other… one way or the other… the police all the time believed his model of occasions.
Does that sound acquainted? As a result of it ought to.
This isn’t a coincidence. Techniques designed round conventional energy buildings allow dangerous habits to proceed… by prioritizing these with sources, appeal, and social connections over these in search of safety.
You’re not loopy. The system actually is working in opposition to you.
Let’s Pause and Course of This
Okay everybody… I need to cease right here for a second. We’ve lined a whole lot of floor, and I do know that is heavy stuff. I can nearly really feel the burden of recognition via the display.
Let me recap what we’ve mentioned up to now… as a result of I need to be sure that we’re all on the identical journey collectively.
We’ve explored how the identical manipulation ways you skilled in your private relationship present up in each main system round us:
- Monetary programs that lure girls via subtle financial management… even once they have jobs
- Non secular establishments that use religious authority to silence victims and promote submission to dangerous habits
- Office environments that reward narcissistic habits as “management”… whereas making it practically inconceivable to reveal manipulation
- Healthcare programs that pathologize victims as an alternative of recognizing patterns of hurt
- Social networks that select the charming manipulator over the “troublesome” sufferer
- Authorized programs that develop into weapons for continued hurt via procedural manipulation
The sample we’re seeing is that this… Each establishment that ought to shield victims is as an alternative structured to guard manipulators. This isn’t a coincidence. This isn’t a collection of unlucky design flaws.
And now… now we’re going to dig into the toughest query of all. The one which’s most likely been nagging at you this complete time…
Why? Why is the system so essentially stacked in opposition to girls?
Are you able to go deeper? As a result of this subsequent half… that is the place all of it comes collectively. That is the place the items of the puzzle lastly begin making sense.
However Why? Why Is the System So In opposition to Girls?
This is perhaps the toughest query you’ll ever face. You’ve seen the patterns… you perceive the mechanics… however the deeper query haunts you.
Why? Why would half of humanity systematically design programs to drawback the opposite half?
I’m going to be brutally trustworthy with you right here… since you deserve the reality.
These programs weren’t created by chance. They have been designed… deliberately designed… by those that benefited from them throughout eras when bodily energy decided survival and management.
What started as survival methods in historic societies grew to become institutionalized energy buildings that persist lengthy after their authentic goal grew to become out of date.
Right here’s the place it will get actually ugly…
Girls’s unpaid labor has all the time been the inspiration of financial programs. At all times. Globally, girls carry out greater than three-quarters of unpaid care and home work. If this labor have been assigned a financial worth… it could exceed as much as 40% of GDP in some nations.
Forty %. Of GDP.
The system isn’t damaged, people. It’s working precisely as supposed… extracting huge financial worth from girls’s uncompensated labor.
However there’s additionally a psychological part right here that’s… actually, it’s disturbing. Analysis reveals that conventional masculine identification has been constructed in opposition to female traits. For a lot of males, sustaining superiority over girls isn’t nearly sources… it’s about psychological identification.
Admitting girls’s equality would require dismantling not simply programs… however their total sense of self.
Are you able to think about having to rebuild your total identification since you realized it was based mostly on the oppression of others? That’s a devastating psychological reckoning most individuals will combat to keep away from.
And right here’s maybe probably the most telling half… There’s proof that many males concern what equality would possibly really seem like. If girls have been oppressed for millennia they usually obtain equal energy… will they search revenge?
This concern drives a lot of the resistance to girls’s development. It’s not nearly shedding privilege… it’s about concern of retribution.
The brutal backside line? The system is in opposition to girls as a result of it was designed to be. It wasn’t created to be truthful or simply… it was created to pay attention energy and sources within the palms of those that constructed it.
Girls’s subjugation isn’t a bug within the system… it’s the inspiration all the system is constructed on.
The Second Every little thing Clicks
What you’re seeing isn’t simply institutional dysfunction. That is girls’s subjugation. That is the systematic disempowerment of girls, designed and maintained to maintain us dependent, silent, and controllable.
Dependent – on a person for monetary safety, on establishments that don’t serve us, on programs that require male approval for our fundamental wants. Dependent so we will’t depart, can’t communicate up, can’t make impartial selections about our personal lives.
Silent – in regards to the abuse we expertise, in regards to the discrimination we face, in regards to the patterns we see. Silent as a result of talking up will get us labeled as troublesome, emotional, or loopy. Silent as a result of the price of truth-telling is shedding all the things we rely on.
Controllable – via financial manipulation that retains us struggling. By authorized programs that punish us for resisting. By non secular teachings that demand our submission. By office cultures that push us out after we get too highly effective. By medical programs that drug us as an alternative of believing us.
The monetary traps that preserve you from leaving – that’s girls’s subjugation. The authorized system’s bias towards charming male defendants – that’s girls’s subjugation. The non secular demand for submission and limitless forgiveness – that’s girls’s subjugation. The office harassment that pushes us out of positions of energy – that’s girls’s subjugation. The medical system that dismisses our ache as emotional – that’s girls’s subjugation.
The narcissistic abuse ways you skilled personally – the gaslighting, the monetary management, the isolation, the discrediting – these aren’t random cruelties. They’re the constructing blocks of girls’s subjugation, scaled up and institutionalized to maintain all girls powerless.
It’s to tear aside your thoughts, to make you assume you’re going loopy.
Each single sample we’ve mentioned serves the identical goal: maintaining girls dependent, maintaining girls silent, maintaining girls from recognizing our collective energy. That is how girls’s subjugation works – not via apparent oppression, however via programs that seem impartial whereas systematically disadvantaging us at each flip.
Now, we all know why grandma instructed us to make and have our personal cash.
You’re beginning to see it now, aren’t you? Conventional energy buildings function utilizing the very same ways as particular person manipulators… simply on a large, societal scale.
The identical dynamics that enabled your private trauma are embedded in establishments which can be supposed to assist and shield individuals.
However right here’s what’s changing into crystal clear…these programs don’t keep themselves. They require lively participation from those that maintain energy inside them.
Whereas many individuals unconsciously take part in these patterns… these in positions of authority make acutely aware selections each single day about whether or not to problem or reinforce these dynamics.
When male-dominated legislative our bodies go legal guidelines proscribing girls’s reproductive autonomy… when male-dominated company boards constantly promote different males to management positions… when male judges constantly aspect with charming male defendants over their feminine accusers…
These aren’t accidents of historical past. These are present-day selections made by individuals with full consciousness of their impression.
Each time a person in energy dismisses a lady’s issues as “emotional”… each time a male government hires one other man as a result of he’s a “higher cultural match”… each time a male politician votes in opposition to insurance policies that will assist survivors…
He’s actively selecting to take care of a system that advantages him at others’ expense.
The fierce opposition we see when girls push for equality? That reveals that many of those selections are deliberate… not unconscious.
When males management 72% of managerial positions globally… once they make up 76% of legislators worldwide… once they maintain 83% of federal judgeships… they’ve the collective energy to rework these programs.
The truth that significant change has stalled for many years isn’t as a result of ignorance. It’s as a result of lively resistance from those that profit from the established order.
And right here’s the connection that’s going to hit you want a lightning bolt…
The identical mentality that allowed your accomplice to control and management you… is the very same mentality that drives legislative assaults on girls’s rights, judicial bias in opposition to victims, and company cultures that silence harassment studies.
These aren’t completely different issues. They’re the identical downside… manifesting at completely different ranges.
What This Means for You
I do know this realization is overwhelming. You thought you have been coping with one sick particular person… and now you’re seeing that the illness goes all the best way up.
The courts, the office, the medical system, even your social circle… they’re all working from the identical playbook.
However right here’s what I would like you to know… You aren’t alone, and you aren’t loopy.
Each sample you acknowledged in your private relationship exists as a result of it’s being rewarded and guarded by bigger programs. The statistics validate all the things you skilled:
- Globally, 30% of girls have reported bodily or sexual accomplice violence
- 15% of girls expertise financial manipulation in relationships
- Analysis reveals a major constructive relationship between narcissism and intimate accomplice violence
You’re waking up. And when you see these programs clearly… you possibly can’t be gaslit by them anymore.
You perceive why leaving was so exhausting… why nobody believed you… why you felt such as you have been preventing an invisible enemy.
Since you have been preventing a system designed by and for individuals who assume like your manipulator… and that system continues to be being actively maintained by individuals who profit from maintaining it precisely as it’s.
The establishments aren’t going to avoid wasting you… as a result of the individuals operating them don’t have any incentive to dismantle the very buildings that gave them energy.
However understanding this dynamic can prevent from persevering with to count on justice from programs designed to guard those that harmed you.
Your therapeutic occurs whenever you cease in search of validation from establishments run by individuals who share your manipulator’s mentality… and begin constructing assist networks with those that acknowledge these patterns for what they’re.
You’re not the issue. You by no means have been. The issue is a system that concentrates energy within the palms of people that constantly select their very own benefit over others’ security.
Your poisonous accomplice was merely working inside a framework that rewards precisely his sort of habits.
Recognizing this isn’t about blame… it’s about readability. And readability…..readability is the inspiration of actual freedom.
Conclusion: The Identical Playbook, Totally different Scale
Now you see it, don’t you? The patterns that devastated you in your private relationship weren’t distinctive to your manipulator. They have been ways from a a lot bigger playbook… one which’s been used to take care of energy buildings for millennia.
Let me stroll you thru this… as a result of when you see these connections, all the things adjustments without end.
The Love Bombing and Idealization: Keep in mind how your accomplice initially put you on a pedestal? Made you are feeling particular and chosen? Society does this to girls too. We’re instructed we’re “sugar and spice and all the things good”… naturally extra nurturing, extra pure, extra ethical.
We’re idealized as moms… because the “coronary heart of the house”… as naturally selfless caregivers.
This idealization feels good initially… nevertheless it’s really a lure. As a result of the second we step outdoors these slim roles… we’re punished.
The Devaluation: Simply as your manipulator progressively started choosing aside all the things you probably did… society systematically devalues girls’s contributions. Girls’s work is paid much less, revered much less, taken much less severely.
Our emotional responses are labeled “hysterical.” Our management is named “bossy.” Our anger is “unbecoming.”
The identical systematic erosion of price you skilled personally… occurs to girls collectively.
The Gaslighting: Your accomplice made you query your personal actuality, your personal perceptions, your personal recollections. Society does this to girls on a large scale.
After we report harassment… we’re instructed we “misunderstood.” After we level out inequality… we’re instructed we’re “being dramatic.” After we doc poisonous habits… we’re instructed we’re “too emotional” to be dependable witnesses.
The phrase “boys shall be boys” is societal gaslighting… normalizing habits that will be unacceptable if we actually noticed it clearly.
The Isolation: Your manipulator labored to chop you off from associates, household, assist programs that may show you how to see the scenario clearly. Society does this by maintaining girls financially dependent, geographically scattered, and competing with one another as an alternative of organizing collectively.
Girls are taught to see different girls as competitors for male consideration… moderately than allies in opposition to systemic oppression.
The Double Requirements: Your accomplice had one algorithm for himself and one other for you. Society has one algorithm for males and one other for ladies.
Males who’re assertive are “pure leaders.” Girls who’re assertive are “troublesome.”
Males who’ve a number of companions are “gamers.” Girls who’ve a number of companions are… properly, you recognize the phrases they use.
The Monetary Management: Your manipulator managed your entry to cash, your means to work, your financial independence. Society does this via wage gaps, hiring discrimination, lack of reasonably priced childcare, and legal guidelines that limit girls’s financial selections.
The truth that 2.7 billion girls are legally restricted from having the identical job selections as males… that’s not coincidence. That’s systemic monetary management.
The Smear Campaigns: While you tried to go away or expose your manipulator… he launched campaigns to destroy your status, turning individuals in opposition to you. Society does this to girls who problem the system.
They’re labeled as “man-haters” or “too bold.” Girls who report poisonous habits face character assassination. Girls who run for workplace face scrutiny about their look, their household selections, their likability… in methods males by no means do.
The Hoovering: Your accomplice would periodically supply simply sufficient kindness, simply sufficient hope, to maintain you trapped within the cycle. Society does this by sometimes throwing girls symbolic victories… a couple of extra girls in management, a brand new legislation that appears protecting…
Simply sufficient to stop full despair… however by no means sufficient to truly dismantle the system.
The Discard: When your manipulator was executed with you… you have been discarded such as you by no means mattered. Society discards girls once they’re now not helpful.
After they age out of desirability… once they can now not bear youngsters… once they develop into “troublesome” to handle.
Older girls develop into invisible. Moms are pushed out of careers. Girls who communicate up are labeled “problematic” and pushed apart.
Simply as you ultimately noticed your private manipulator clearly… you’re now seeing the systemic manipulator clearly.
The identical lack of empathy… the identical entitlement… the identical manipulation ways… the identical cycle of dangerous habits.
It’s all there… simply working on a scale so massive it appeared like “simply the best way issues are.”
Your Awakening Is Your Energy: Understanding that your private expertise was a part of a a lot bigger sample doesn’t diminish your particular person trauma… it validates it.
You weren’t loopy. You weren’t weak. You weren’t imagining it.
You have been experiencing on a private degree the identical ways which have been used to regulate girls for hundreds of years.
However right here’s what’s completely different… When you see the sample, you possibly can’t be managed by it anymore. Whether or not it’s a manipulative accomplice or a manipulative system… the ways solely work whenever you don’t acknowledge them.
Your awakening to the private manipulation ready you to see the systemic manipulation. And seeing it clearly… that’s step one to refusing to take part in your personal oppression.
The system that protected your manipulator is similar system that’s been defending poisonous individuals for millennia. However each lady who wakes up… who sees clearly… who refuses to be gaslit or managed or discarded…
She’s breaking the cycle. Not only for herself… however for each lady who comes after her.
Your private therapeutic and your political awakening aren’t separate journeys. They’re the identical journey. And each result in the identical vacation spot… freedom.
Wow… we lined a whole lot of floor right this moment, didn’t we?
I do know this was heavy. I do know it is perhaps overwhelming to see these patterns so clearly laid out. However I hope… I actually hope… that what you’re taking away from this isn’t despair.
It’s readability. It’s validation. It’s the understanding that you simply have been by no means loopy, by no means too delicate, by no means imagining issues.
You have been experiencing on a private degree the identical programs of management that function all through our society.
Your awakening is your energy. When you see these patterns… you possibly can’t be manipulated by them anymore.
If this episode resonated with you… please, please share it with different girls who would possibly want to listen to this message. As a result of each lady who wakes up… each lady who sees clearly… she’s a part of breaking these cycles.
Sources and Analysis Sources
Key Statistics Sources:
Narcissism and Intimate Associate Violence Analysis:
- Oliver, E., Coates, A., Bennett, J. M., & Willis, M. L. (2024). Narcissism and Intimate Associate Violence: A Systematic Evaluate and Meta-Evaluation. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 25(3), 1871-1884.
- Obtainable at: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/15248380231196115
Gender Variations in Narcissism:
- Grijalva, E., Newman, D. A., Tay, L., Donnellan, M. B., Harms, P. D., Robins, R. W., & Yan, T. (2015). Gender variations in narcissism: A meta-analytic assessment. Psychological Bulletin, 141(2), 261-310.
- Analysis cited in: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_differences_in_narcissism
Financial Empowerment and Labor Statistics:
Financial Manipulation Analysis:
- Mellar, B. M., Fanslow, J. L., Gulliver, P. J., & McIntosh, T. Ok. D. (2024). Financial Management by An Intimate Associate and Its Associations with Girls’s Socioeconomic Standing and Psychological Well being. Journal of Interpersonal Violence.
- Obtainable at: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/08862605241235140
Patriarchy and Intimate Associate Violence:
Sexual Harassment and Financial Affect:
Office Narcissism Analysis:
Narcissistic Manipulation Prevalence:
Authorized System Manipulation:
Financial Affect of Home Violence:
Further Analysis:
Case Research and Private Accounts:
Observe: All hyperlinks have been verified as lively at time of publication. Analysis citations embrace peer-reviewed tutorial sources, authorities statistics, and established psychological well being organizations.
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Lynn is a trauma-informed narcissistic abuse restoration coach, creator, private survivor, host of the Transferring Ahead with Hope – Narcissistic Abuse Restoration Podcast, and creator of the YouTube Channel, Wake the Elephant. Her books embrace Overcoming the Devastation of Narcissistic Abuse: The way to Heal, Get better and Take Your Life Again and Grasp Manipulators: Uncover Covert Techniques Narcissists Devise to Manipulate, Deceive and Management. She is passionate in encouraging others via the phases of therapeutic and restoration from narcissistic emotional abuse. Lynn is obtainable for interviews, podcast appearances, and collaborating on associated initiatives. In her free time, Lynn enjoys touring (each internationally and domestically) and spending time close to the seaside in heat climate. The aim of this website is to validate victims (now survivors and overcomers!) of narcissistic abuse, present sources and encouragement towards rebuilding lives, and to facilitate a revolutionary change to pursue goals, visions, and dwelling deliberately. In case you have discovered our free materials to be helpful and useful, please head to our Assist Web page to study how one can assist our mission. We thanks upfront. Subscribe to our electronic mail record and observe us on Social Media to remain related @waketheelephant.
Validate. Rebuild. Revolutionize.