“You’ll be able to’t heal what you gained’t enable your self to really feel.” ~Unknown
I used to behave sturdy on a regular basis. On the surface, I seemed like I had all of it collectively. I used to be competent, composed, and succesful. I used to be the one different folks got here to for recommendation or help.
The stickiness was that my model of energy created distance. I couldn’t enable myself to seem weak as a result of I used to be terrified that if I let myself break down, I wouldn’t be capable of pull myself again collectively.
Possibly beneath all of it, I used to be so fragile I would truly break.
So I held it in. All of it—my grief, my concern, my loneliness. That is what sturdy folks do, proper?
I discovered to be sturdy early as a result of I needed to.
My mom was depressed and suicidal for the youthful years of my life. From a younger age, I felt prefer it was as much as me to maintain her alive. I turned the caretaker, the one who made issues okay, even when nothing was.
My father left earlier than I used to be born. I didn’t meet him till I used to be six, and after I did, it wasn’t secure. He was abusive and schizophrenic. One time, he tried to strangle me. That second embedded one thing deep: each second is a danger. To outlive, I discovered to remain alert, in management, and numb.
Later, my mum entered a same-sex relationship—a daring transfer within the eighties, when that type of love wasn’t accepted. Her associate, a former murder detective turned trauma therapist, was emotionally risky and narcissistic. My dwelling didn’t really feel secure. There wasn’t loads of room for me to be a toddler.
So, I turned hyper-responsible. A perfectionist. A fixer. I micromanaged not solely my life but in addition the feelings of others after I may. My model of “energy” turned what I hid behind and my id.
However beneath all of it, I used to be scared. My “energy” was survival, not freedom.
Years later, I moved to Australia and located myself with a good friend in an influence vinyasa yoga class. It was sizzling, sweaty, and intense. I hated it. The carpet smelled. The instructor talked the complete time. I used to be indignant.
After which it hit me: I used to be all the time indignant.
Beneath the looks of getting all of it collectively, I used to be exhausted and resentful. The yoga mat didn’t create these emotions—it simply revealed what I had been carrying all alongside.
That evening, one thing shifted. I noticed my “energy” wasn’t actually energy; it was my wall. A wall that had stored me secure but in addition stored me from feeling.
So, I stored going again. First to yoga, then to a deeper journey of therapeutic.
The method got here in layers.
Alongside my therapeutic journey, I explored many alternative modalities. The primary was EFT (emotional freedom approach), the place I touched feelings I had buried for many years. Later, kinesthetic processing confirmed me that it was secure to really feel all the pieces—each emotion, each reminiscence—by way of my physique. This was the start of softness integrating into my life, not simply as an concept, however as a lived expertise.
For thus lengthy, my energy had been armor—the braveness to outlive. However softness opened one thing new: the braveness to thrive, as a result of my coronary heart was now not closed.
There was no single breakthrough, no magic second.
With every layer that fell away, I started to exchange resistance with openness, partitions with connection. Slowly, I got here to belief that softness wasn’t one thing to concern—it was one thing I may lean into.
And what I discovered is that this: my therapeutic required softness, which meant vulnerability and permitting myself to totally really feel.
Softness isn’t weak spot.
It’s staying open when all the pieces in you desires to close down.
It’s permitting your self to be seen with out the masks.
It’s selecting presence over efficiency.
True energy isn’t management. It’s vulnerability. It’s feeling your means by way of life and trusting your self—trusting your ideas, your selections, and your impulses so that you cease second-guessing and cease counting on fixed exterior validation. Belief lets you act from readability as a substitute of concern.
It’s trusting your physique, noticing what nourishes you versus what depletes you, and setting boundaries with out guilt. It’s trusting life’s pure circulate, letting go of the stress to drive issues to occur based on a strict schedule. It’s trusting your personal internal fact. Belief and softness go hand in hand; the extra you belief your self, the extra you possibly can keep open and current with out concern.
In the event you’ve been holding all of it collectively for too lengthy, perhaps energy doesn’t seem like pushing by way of. Possibly it appears like slowing down. Like taking a breath. Like feeling what’s been ready to be felt.
And perhaps, simply perhaps, your sensitivity isn’t one thing to cover or harden.
Possibly your sensitivity is your superpower.
In a world that teaches us to be sturdy, courageous, and unshakable, we are able to neglect that our best knowledge typically is available in stillness.
It comes after we soften. Once we pay attention. Once we let go of who we predict we needs to be and are available dwelling to who we already are.
Energy isn’t about being unbreakable. It’s about being actual.
Once I began listening to myself, I noticed how typically I had ignored my very own wants and wishes, pushing by way of life based on what I assumed I “ought to” do. I discovered to honor my emotions, belief my instincts, and make decisions that nourished me as a substitute of drained me. Consequently, my relationships deepened, my confidence grew, and I discovered a way of ease and circulate I by no means thought doable.
Typically the best factor you are able to do for your self is take heed to the quiet, unchanging knowledge inside you and belief what you hear.
About Shauna Hawkes
Shauna Hawkes is a ladies’s embodiment mentor, Gene Keys information, and yoga instructor with over fifteen years of expertise. She helps ladies at a crossroads break away from self-sabotage, discover readability, and step confidently into the following chapter of their lives by way of mentorship, workshops, yoga retreats, and Gene Keys readings. Curious to find extra about your self? Take her free archetypes quiz at shaunahawkes.com or click on this hyperlink direct – Take Quiz