“Your silence is not going to shield you.” ~Audre Lorde
Once I was little, I discovered that being “good” meant being quiet.
Not simply with my voice, however with my wants. My feelings. Even the house I took up.
I don’t bear in mind anybody sitting me down and saying, “Don’t converse except spoken to.” However I felt it—within the flinches after I was too loud, the strain after I cried, the delicate reward after I stayed calm, agreeable, small. I felt it in the best way adults sighed with reduction after I didn’t make a fuss. I felt it in the best way I finished asking for what I needed.
Goodness, to me, grew to become about not rocking the boat.
I bear in mind as soon as being advised, “You’re such a great lady—you by no means complain.” And I carried that like a medal. I bear in mind crying in my room as an alternative of talking up at dinner. Saying “I’m high-quality” even when my chest harm with unsaid phrases. I didn’t need to trigger bother. I needed to be simple to like.
So I smiled via discomfort. Nodded after I needed to say no. Bit my tongue after I had one thing true to say. I grew to become nice, adaptable, well-liked.
And completely disconnected from myself.
The Physique Retains the Quiet
For a very long time, I believed this was only a persona trait. I advised myself I used to be simply easygoing. Delicate. A peacemaker.
However the fact is, I had internalized a nervous system survival technique: fawning. A delicate, usually invisible adaptation the place security is sought not via flight or combat however via appeasement. Turning into who others need you to be. Saying what they need to hear.
In my physique, this regarded like:
- Holding my breath in tense conversations
- Smiling after I felt anxious
- Swallowing phrases that rose in my throat
- Feeling exhausted after social interactions, not figuring out why
It wasn’t simply social anxiousness or shyness. It was a deeply ingrained survival sample—one which formed every little thing from how I moved on the earth to how I associated to others.
I didn’t but have the language for what was occurring. However I might really feel the fee.
The silence I carried began to ache—not simply emotionally, however bodily.
My jaw clenched. My shoulders rounded ahead. My chest felt like a locked room. I felt foggy in conversations, distant in relationships, not sure of the place I started and ended.
It seems, if you chronically silence your self to remain protected, your physique begins whispering what your voice can’t say.
The First Time I Stated “No”
It wasn’t a dramatic second. There was no shouting or storming out.
It was a quiet dinner with somebody I didn’t really feel absolutely protected round. They requested for one thing that crossed a line. And for the primary time in my grownup life, as an alternative of robotically saying sure, I paused.
I heard the outdated script begin to run: Be good. Don’t upset them. Simply say sure, it’s simpler.
However one thing in me—a wiser, quieter half—held regular.
I took a breath. I mentioned, “No, I’m not okay with that.”
And regardless that my physique trembled, I didn’t crumble. Nothing catastrophic occurred. I went house and cried—not from concern, however from reduction.
It was one of many first moments I noticed I might select myself. Even when it felt unnatural. Even after I wasn’t certain what would occur subsequent.
That one second modified one thing in me. Not in a single day. However it planted a seed.
Reclaiming My Voice, One Breath at a Time
Reclaiming my voice hasn’t been a giant, daring revolution. It’s been a gradual unfolding.
It appears like:
- Taking a number of seconds earlier than I reply, even when silence feels uncomfortable
- Letting myself converse with emotion, not filtering every little thing to sound “affordable”
- Naming what I would like, even when my voice shakes
- Resting after interactions that depart me drained—honoring the impression
- Journaling the issues I needed to say, even when I by no means say them out loud
Some days I nonetheless go quiet. I nonetheless really feel the outdated concern that talking fact will trigger rupture, rejection, or hurt. Typically I nonetheless rehearse what I need to say 5 occasions earlier than I say it as soon as.
However I’ve discovered that each time I take heed to myself, even when simply with a hand on my coronary heart, I’m creating security from the within out.
And slowly, my physique started to shift. I stood a bit taller. My breath got here a bit simpler. I began to really feel extra right here—extra like myself, not only a reflection of who I believed I wanted to be.
What Helped Me Start
Typically, what rises first isn’t braveness however grief. Grief for all of the moments we didn’t converse, for the variations of ourselves that held all of it inside. I needed to study to satisfy that grief gently, not as failure, however as proof of how arduous I used to be making an attempt to remain protected.
This journey didn’t start with confidence—it started with compassion.
Noticing the occasions I silenced myself with curiosity as an alternative of disgrace.
Asking: What did I concern would possibly occur if I spoke? What used to occur?
Putting a hand on my chest and saying gently, “You’re not dangerous for being quiet. You have been making an attempt to remain protected.”
After which, after I felt prepared, experimenting with small expansions:
- Leaving a voice be aware for a good friend as an alternative of texting
- Telling somebody “I would like a second to suppose” as an alternative of dashing a solution
- Saying “I really disagree” in a dialog the place I usually would’ve nodded alongside
None of those have been large leaps. However every one taught my nervous system a brand new fact: it’s protected to have a voice.
If You’ve Been Quiet Too
If you happen to’re studying this and recognizing your personal silence, I need you to know:
You’re not dangerous for going quiet. You have been sensible. Your nervous system was doing its greatest to maintain you protected.
And if you happen to’re starting to really feel the tug to talk—to take up a bit extra space, to say “no” or “I don’t know” or “I would like a second”—you may belief that too.
You don’t must change into loud or forceful. Reclaiming voice doesn’t imply overpowering anybody else. It simply means together with your self. Honoring your fact. Letting your physique exhale.
You’re allowed to be heard. You’re allowed to pause. You’re allowed to unfold, one breath at a time.
Your voice is just not a risk. It’s a bridge—again to your self. Your silence as soon as stored you protected. However now, your fact would possibly set you free.
About Maya Fleischer
Maya Fleischer is a somatic information and creator of Unfold Consciously, a mild house for therapeutic emotional patterns and reconnecting with the physique’s knowledge. She shares gradual, heart-based practices for nervous system therapeutic, softness, and self-trust. You’ll be able to obtain her free 5-day audio journey, A Mild Apply Collection for the Delicate and Self-Censored, at subscribepage.io/audio-journey.