“Protest any labels that flip individuals into issues. Phrases are necessary. If you wish to take care of one thing, you name it a ‘flower’; if you wish to kill one thing, you name it a ‘weed.’” ~Don Coyhis
Dropping my brother to a substance use dysfunction taught me issues I by no means needed to be taught. Issues no person prepares you for. Issues that may change you in methods you by no means thought doable.
It taught me that you would be able to love somebody a lot it bodily hurts—and nonetheless not have the ability to save them. It taught me that you would be able to mourn somebody you like lengthy earlier than they’re bodily gone, and nobody tells you ways helpless that feels. How humiliating. The way you begin bargaining with the universe in silence: Take something you need from me. Simply give him just a little extra time.
However the universe didn’t hearken to me. Habit didn’t cut price with him. It simply took. It took his soul, his thoughts, his spirit, and the sunshine from his eyes.
Earlier than he died, I stored making an attempt to carry onto the model of him I grew up with—the actual him. The one who teased me till I laughed so laborious I couldn’t breathe. The one who confirmed up for everybody else, even when he couldn’t present up for himself. The model of him nobody else noticed. I held onto these recollections like lifelines, as a result of the truth of habit felt like watching him drown in sluggish movement.
And right here’s the half most individuals won’t ever perceive except they’ve lived it: you begin grieving lengthy earlier than they die.
Each relapse appears like a funeral. Each “I’ll name you again” turns into a silent prayer. Each silence turns into a query you’re too afraid to voice: Are they alive? Are they gone? Are they alone? Each query leads you to calling hospitals, jails—anybody who could know the place they’re and can assist you discover them… alive.
Then the day comes when the cellphone rings for actual, and your entire physique is aware of earlier than your mind does. You reply anyway. You hear. You break. And part of you you’ll by no means get again collapses with him.
After he died, the world anticipated me to be “sturdy,” to say issues like “He’s lastly at peace” or “He’s in a greater place.” I needed to scream. I needed to run. I needed to be wherever else however right here with out him. I didn’t need him in a “higher place.” I needed him right here. Messy, imperfect, making an attempt—however alive. Alive and capable of see his daughter develop up, to see his niece and nephew develop into who they’re in the present day, and to be the individual I all the time knew he might be, sober.
What his dying taught me isn’t delicate. It’s not poetic. It’s uncooked and painful. It takes away part of you that you just by no means thought you’d lose. It makes you are feeling like you’ll be able to’t breathe. You may’t sleep or eat, and you’re feeling responsible for smiling all through the day.
I discovered individuals choose habit till it hits their household. Then all of the sudden it turns into “difficult.” Private. Human. Earlier than that, they throw round phrases like “junkie,” “alternative,” and “his fault.” They don’t know habit sits in the identical class as a terminal illness—brutal, consuming, terrifying, and unfair.
I discovered grief is violent. It explodes your sense of actuality. You assume you’ll cry and transfer via it, however grief has claws. It drags you again into recollections you weren’t able to replay, desires that really feel too actual, and guilt you didn’t earn however carry anyway. I discovered that it will probably come at any second, at any time, and hit you want a transferring practice. It turns into all-consuming. You’re feeling it deep in your soul, and also you typically really feel like you’ll by no means get up from this nightmare.
I discovered I may be indignant and love him on the identical time. I’m indignant he didn’t get another day. Indignant the world didn’t perceive him. Indignant at everybody who judged him. Indignant that he left me right here alone, one thing he mentioned he’d by no means do. Indignant at habit for getting the final phrase. However my love for him by no means left and by no means will. Not for one second.
And right here’s the toughest lesson dropping him taught me:
You cease anticipating closure. You cease anticipating the ache to fade. As an alternative, you be taught to dwell alongside it—like a bruise that by no means totally heals. You be taught to smile via the ache. You be taught to let the grief come when it exhibits up, and to all the time converse his title and his reality.
However there have been classes too—the type you solely perceive after being cracked open:
I discovered to inform the reality. Not the polished model of his story. Not the model that makes different individuals really feel snug. I inform the model the place habit was a part of his life. Not as a result of it defines him, however as a result of hiding it erases him.
I discovered to see struggling in different individuals—the quiet variety that hides behind smiles and “I’m wonderful.” Dropping him made me softer towards strangers, extra affected person, extra protecting. It made me notice that everybody is carrying one thing they’re terrified to say out loud.
And surprisingly, painfully, I discovered love doesn’t die with the individual. It settles into your bones. It turns into one thing you carry for the remainder of your life—the ache, the anger, the gratitude, the recollections, all combined collectively.
Dropping my brother taught me that the world can break you… and you may nonetheless preserve going. Not since you’re sturdy, however since you don’t have one other alternative.
I want I didn’t have these classes. I want he have been nonetheless right here. However since he’s not, all I can do is carry him truthfully—not the sanitized model individuals favor, however the actual one.
The brother I misplaced. The brother I beloved. The brother habit couldn’t erase. The brother who won’t ever be forgotten.
In loving reminiscence of Joshua O’Neill Grey (August 6, 1982 – August 29, 2019).
About Sheena Crist
After her brother handed, Sheena made it her mission to boost consciousness about substance use and substance use prevention. She obtained her diploma in Behavioral Well being Science with an emphasis in substance use problems, and he or she has made it her ardour to talk Josh’s title at any time when she will. Habit can affect anybody, and it doesn’t matter what your race, gender, or financial standing is.