I didn’t imply to fall in love once more. I actually didn’t. I had already given my coronary heart to Muir Seashore—the fog that tucked me in at night time like a moist wool blanket, the best way the ocean hurled itself on the rocks with such theatrical despair, the sense that the land itself was doing deep non secular work and alluring me to lie down and repent for my youthful ambition. I discovered Inside Household Methods in Muir Seashore. I recovered from the PTSD of my medical life and hospital wounds in Muir Seashore. I survived my divorce and raised my youngster in Muir Seashore. I bought mauled by a pit bull and healed with out surgical procedure, despite the medical doctors who assured me that will be impossible- in Muir Seashore. Muir Seashore and I had factor going. Muir Seashore was my most intimate relationship. I used to be by no means an excessive amount of for this land. I used to be by no means not sufficient for this little bit of earth. We had vows, Muir Seashore and I. Salt and mist and devotion.
I knew every season when each wildflower bloomed, and I waited with a lover’s anticipation for each new bud. I knew all of the edible vegetation and the place they grew. For a short while through the pandemic lockdown, we ate solely from the land of Muir Seashore, and because it was spring, that consuming was bountiful, scrumptious and nourishing.
I knew each animal by name- the fox den below my deck and the little cunning infants, the bobcat would roamed up my driveway to catch the sundown view, the deer mama who broke her leg, who I fed for months till she disappeared in the future, the coyotes who sang their howling music, the migrating whales that breached and splashed, the seals that teased my goldendoodle Moose, like little sea puppies who may dive away proper as Moose bought shut.
As a result of it was additionally paired with my daughter leaving the nest, my housemate of fifteen years shifting again to household on the East Coast, and my Child Daddy shifting to Portugal after residing subsequent door for over a decade, I grieved the lack of this place, which took the warmth for all the opposite losses and held me as I wept and howled just like the coyotes and planted my tears on Stinson Seashore, with a dozen roses thrown into the ocean.
So once I moved north and located myself feeling issues for West Sonoma County—Bodega Bay, Sebastopol, Graton, Forestville, Healdsburg—I advised myself it was only a section, a rebound, a flirtation, a scenic distraction whereas I grieved what I’d misplaced. Nothing severe, actually.
However then one morning I awoke within the 1870’s Artwork Barn the place I now live- and I felt it: that illicit flutter, that tender animal happiness, that sense of being seen by land that wasn’t speculated to know me but. That is how affairs start. Not with lust, however with aid.
West Sonoma County doesn’t throw itself at you the best way Muir Seashore does. It doesn’t say, “LOOK AT ME, I AM SUBLIME AND YOU ARE TINY.” As an alternative, it says, “Have some espresso. Sit down. We’ll get to the thriller after breakfast.” The water is calmer right here, the horizon wider, the sunshine extra forgiving. You don’t must earn your house. You’re already welcome.
And that’s when the guilt set in.
As a result of Muir Seashore was dramatic and demanding and moody in a approach that made me really feel spiritually spectacular for surviving it. Loving Muir Seashore felt like loving a brooding artist who refused to textual content you again however wrote devastating poetry in regards to the moon whilst you drank an excessive amount of champagne collectively ready for the blood moon eclipse from the Muir Seashore Overlook. Loving West Sonoma County seems like dishonest with somebody who’s truly emotionally out there, owns a truck, wears cowboy boots that truly had cow poo on them, is aware of how to sort things, and doesn’t idiot round in the case of making cool shit from nature, like gardens, wine, honey, apothecary medicines, to not point out constructing barns, making music, and creating artwork.
Jenner was the primary to actually cross a line with me. I advised myself I used to be simply going for a drive, simply passing by means of on my option to Sea Ranch, simply admiring the apple bushes I handed, noticing the best way the sunshine slanted by means of them like a benediction. However then the view of the raging, post-flood swollen Russian River dumping into the Pacific took my breath away at first, solely to deepen it once I took it in as medication. I observed how my shoulders dropped, how my nervous system—previously clenched like a fist due to each atrocity that’s taking place on this planet—started to loosen its grip.
That’s once I knew I used to be in hassle.
Forestville got here subsequent, lush and inexperienced and conspiratorial, as if whispering, “You may relaxation right here. Nobody is protecting rating.” Our short-term Airbnb put us proper subsequent to a creek that dumped into the Russian River, the place the frogs sang melodies at nightfall and the cicadas kicked in because the solar bought heat, like a percussion part warming up for a live performance nobody had to purchase tickets to. At night time, the creek talked in its sleep—small urgencies, tiny dramas, the sound of water figuring itself out. Within the mornings, mild filtered by means of the bushes prefer it had someplace higher to be however determined to linger. I drank my espresso slower. I finished rehearsing my life. My nervous system, lengthy accustomed to bracing, started to imagine the rumor that nothing horrible was about to occur right here.
Graton adopted, that place recognized traditionally for its bar brawls, all understated appeal and quiet competence, just like the pal you don’t understand you’re in love with till you see them laughing with another person. Graton doesn’t brag. It doesn’t curate itself for Instagram. It simply reveals up with good posture and will get issues achieved. There’s a humility to it, a way that it has lived some life, thrown a couple of punches, taken a couple of hits, and determined to calm the hell down. It seems like a city that has been to remedy and twelve stepped a couple of issues however doesn’t make an enormous deal out of it. I discovered myself trusting it instantly, which is normally how you realize one thing is harmful in the absolute best approach.
Healdsburg strutted in later, unapologetically attractive, with its painted girl Victorians, Westside Street vineyards, excessive falutin confidence, and excellent footwear, daring me to fake I wasn’t dazzled. Healdsburg is aware of it’s fairly. It doesn’t apologize for the best way the sunshine hits the hills simply so, or how the wine tastes like somebody prayed over them. It has the power of a girl who has lastly discovered her finest angles and is now not pretending she hasn’t. And but—annoyingly—it’s additionally sort. Not mean-girl stunning. Extra like: “Sure, I’m beautiful, however sit down, I simply made you a ham and brie focaccia sandwich.”
We landed proper close to Bodega Bay, the place the air smells like salt and story, and the water holds a quieter knowledge than the wild Pacific tantrums of my former life. The bay doesn’t carry out; it listens. The boats bob like they belief one thing invisible to carry them. The plaintive foghorns rise over the surf sounds, calling out like sirens luring sailors to the rocks, because the fog rolls in gently, prefer it’s asking permission. The crabs throw themselves on the seaside at low tide, like teenage women hoping for a promenade date. The starfish cling to the seaweed coated rocks at Doran Regional Park, displaying off their pastel colours when you’re affected person sufficient to attend till the king tide lows, when you may stroll the place you’d ordinarily swim.
Right here, the land doesn’t demand transformation. It assumes you’re already in course of. There’s room for pleasure with out penance, magnificence with out struggling, spirituality with out the necessity to collapse onto the bottom and weep in your smallness. The land says, “Be right here. That’s sufficient.”
In the meantime, Muir Seashore haunts me.
I keep in mind the best way the fog would roll in like a holy procession, the best way the cliffs demanded reverence, the best way the land stated, “Concentrate or else.” I really feel like I’ve deserted a stern however clever instructor for a kindergarten artwork class with juice packing containers and laughter.
However right here’s the factor nobody tells you about land-love: totally different locations love totally different components of you. Muir Seashore beloved my longing, my ache, my willingness to be undone. It beloved my solemn devotion and my tendency to overthink God. It requested me to kneel.
West Sonoma County loves my physique, my urge for food, the a part of me that wishes to plant one thing and watch it develop with out narrating all the existential arc of the tomato, the caregiver in me who named the chickens Henrietta and Gladys. It doesn’t want me to show something. It simply fingers me a Gravenstein apple and says, “Eat.”
Spiritually talking, this has been complicated. I used to be raised to imagine that love meant depth, sacrifice, and a certain quantity of struggling that you possibly can later spin into knowledge. However this land—these rolling hills and oak-studded roads and barns that appear to be they’ve forgiven themselves for growing older and don’t intend to get Botox—retains providing me one thing radical: ease. There are mornings right here when the sunshine seems like a blessing that doesn’t require repentance. Even the fog, when it comes, is gentler, as if it’s checking in somewhat than staging an intervention. The land doesn’t loom. It companions.
And slowly, embarrassingly, pleasure has been sneaking up on me. I chuckle extra right here. Not the well mannered, spiritually mature laughter of somebody who has learn many books about resilience, however the snorting sort. The type that occurs when your canine does one thing ridiculous in a winery and also you understand nobody is watching and it doesn’t matter anyway, the place the winemaker’s canine is sniffing your canine’s butt and no one cares.
I’ve began speaking to bushes once more. Not the extreme, confessional conversations I had with the redwoods of Muir Seashore, who held me when my father and mom died and let me cry inside their caves. These chats are extra like informal check-ins. “Hey, oak. Trying strong at present.” The bushes appear advantageous with this. They don’t want me to bleed on them.
In the future final week, driving Bodega Freeway again from Sebastopol in direction of dwelling, I spotted the guilt had lifted. Not as a result of I’d stopped loving Muir Seashore, however as a result of I lastly understood this wasn’t an affair. The guts, it seems, will not be a monogamous organ in the case of place. It expands. It makes room. It learns new dialects of affection. Even when I’m monogamous with my companion Jeff, I may be polyamorous in the case of being intimate with the land.
This land is expansive, and so is my coronary heart. Muir Seashore will at all times have my reverence, however every single day, I’m coming to comprehend that West Sonoma County is profitable my affection. One taught me find out how to kneel. The opposite is instructing me find out how to stand, barefoot, holding one thing ripe and dripping, laughing at nothing particularly.
And possibly that is what maturity seems to be like—not loyalty to struggling, however allegiance to aliveness. If loving this land is mistaken, I don’t need to be proper.
*If you happen to’re anyplace close to Sonoma County and also you need to be included in native occasions right here, like foodie potlucks, writing teams on the Artwork Barn, IFS components processing teams, artwork workshops, and no matter else I work out find out how to create right here, register for the locals listing right here.
**If you happen to really feel impressed to get collectively to make intention altars in Sonoma over Valentine’s Day weekend, we simply introduced it and we solely have 20 spots, so join now when you really feel known as to be with us. Be taught extra and register for CREATE YOUR INTENTION ALTAR right here.