“To be your self in a world that’s continuously making an attempt to make you one thing else is the best accomplishment.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I grew up because the fifth of seven kids in a strict spiritual household the place religion formed every part. From an early age, I realized to comply with the principles, carry out to be seen, hold the peace, and be good.
My spiritual upbringing taught me to present my energy away. The church held the solutions, the authority, and even forgiveness itself. I realized to hunt approval from outdoors sources as a substitute of growing a relationship with my very own internal fact. It disconnected me from the very a part of me that was meant to information my life.
For years, I believed goodness was about compliance, not compassion. I used to be informed that being good meant obedience, not connection or real concern for others. It saved me disconnected from my very own physique, my instinct, and my need to expertise life itself as one thing sacred.
After I started to query that, it was not revolt. It was the start of taking accountability for my very own relationship with myself and my fact.
For a very long time, I did what was anticipated. I used to be very concerned in church and attended usually, married younger, and had a child. I constructed a life that regarded precisely prefer it ought to.
After my divorce in 2013, most of what I had been taught to belief started to unravel. I had (naively) assumed my household could be a supply of consolation, however what I discovered as a substitute was distance. The disapproval got here in small however unmistakable methods. It confirmed me how fragile a few of my relationships actually have been and the way simply love may very well be withdrawn once I stopped becoming the mildew.
For the primary time, I started to see how deeply faith had formed the way in which love was given and withheld.
I saved making an attempt to make it work, like actually tried, convincing myself I might nonetheless belong if I adopted the principles and stayed small. However pretending solely made me really feel farther from myself.
Then, in 2018, every part completely unraveled. A painful battle inside my household led to a degree of rejection I might by no means have imagined. Individuals I liked most turned away from me and my daughter. What I assumed could be the place I might lean on grew to become the place that harm essentially the most. The loss was whole.
Within the months that adopted, I fell right into a degree of grief and despair I had by no means recognized. Days blurred collectively, and I moved by way of them feeling solely numbness. It was as if colour had drained from the world. I used to be not simply unhappy. I used to be gone.
I didn’t realize it then, however I used to be in what some may name a darkish night time of the soul, and mine lasted for the higher a part of seven years.
It was despair, sure, nevertheless it was additionally one thing deeper. I used to be not simply emotionally unwell. I used to be spiritually unwell. The religion that when gave me which means not labored, and I had nothing actual to interchange it with. I used to be misplaced inside a life that regarded objectively superb from the skin however felt hole on the core.
For this reason our religious well being issues. Religious wellness has little to do with faith or something “woo.” It’s a couple of deep connection to your self, to others, and to the better world round you. It’s what offers life depth and coherence. When that connection is robust, you’re feeling anchored and alive.
After we lose connection to which means, we lose connection to ourselves. We begin to reside from the skin in, measuring price by output and id by what others mirror again. Life turns into one thing to handle fairly than one thing to expertise.
For a very long time, I saved making an attempt to repair myself the way in which I had been taught—pray more durable, obtain extra, be grateful, push by way of. However that solely led me additional away from myself. I noticed it was principally performative.
Finally, survival required surrendering. I finished making an attempt to get again to who I had been and began asking who I used to be now. I pulled each lever I might attain—remedy, yoga, journaling, meditation, lengthy walks, discovering neighborhood, and even psychedelics. None of them have been magic, however collectively they have been medication. Slowly, I started to construct a spirituality that was mine.
I realized that I might nonetheless consider in one thing better with no need another person to outline it for me. I might discover reverence within the abnormal, within the breath, the physique, and the kindness of strangers. I didn’t want a church to really feel near one thing sacred.
That realization didn’t include fireworks. It got here by way of small moments: cooking dinner for my daughter, respiration by way of nervousness, and permitting grief to maneuver by way of me. Every second of honesty stitched me again collectively.
Over time, I got here to know that connection shouldn’t be one thing you discover as soon as and hold endlessly. It’s one thing you come back to repeatedly. Some days I nonetheless neglect, and that’s okay. Remembering is a part of the apply.
Aliveness shouldn’t be about chasing a religious excessive or ready for all times to line up completely. It’s the determination to take part, even when issues are unsure. It grows by way of honesty, by way of presence, and thru the willingness to be formed by what’s actual. That’s the work of connection, and it’s the work of being human.
Why This Issues
After we lose connection, we lose route. With out a sense of which means, it’s simple to slide right into a model of life that appears superb however feels empty. We transfer quicker, obtain extra, and nonetheless really feel like one thing is lacking.
Reconnection adjustments that. It restores depth to expertise and turns abnormal moments into alternatives for fact and consciousness. It reminds us that we’re not right here to excellent life however to reside it, to really feel it, to have interaction with it, and to study from it.
The world doesn’t want extra folks performing wellness or chasing enlightenment. It wants people who find themselves awake to their very own lives and who convey which means again into the on a regular basis. Individuals who present up actually for themselves, for his or her associates and households, and in service to their neighborhood.
About Katie Krier
Katie Krier is a religious wellness coach and longtime yoga instructor who helps folks redefine spirituality for themselves after faith or religion transition. She guides them in rebuilding a grounded, non-religious spirituality that feels actual and private, inviting them to find that deep connection and a framework for a significant life are doable with out guilt, disgrace, or stress to consider the “proper” manner. Join along with her at katiemkrier.com or on Instagram @katiemkrier