“Once I let go of what I’m, I turn into what I may be.” ~Lao Tzu
For a few years, I used to be deeply concerned in religious communities—satsangs, meditation facilities, ashrams, and teams centered on positivity, service, and private progress. These locations gave me consolation, group, and a sense of function. However additionally they formed one thing inside me that I didn’t totally acknowledge till a lot later:
I had constructed my self-worth round being a “good particular person.”
On the floor, it sounds innocent. Who doesn’t need to be good, variety, and useful? However trying again, I see how the strain I placed on myself—and the strain I felt from others—slowly turned a supply of stress, guilt, and confusion.
And all of it turned clear throughout one sudden second.
The Day My Good Particular person Identification Broke Open
A meditation heart I attended was internet hosting a visiting sage from India. Like many religious facilities, volunteers (referred to as seva, that means “selfless service”) helped help the occasion. Seva is meant to come back from the guts—not obligation—simply doing what you possibly can, nonetheless a lot or little that could be.
However throughout that occasion, an individual I thought-about a pal—somebody who was additionally working for the middle—turned extraordinarily upset that my spouse and I weren’t volunteering as a lot as he thought we must always.
He raised his voice. He tried to guilt us. He made me really feel like I used to be doing one thing unsuitable just because I didn’t meet his expectations.
I keep in mind standing there, surprised. This was somebody who meditated day by day, spoke about compassion, and helped run a religious heart—but in that second, he was reacting from a spot of strain, judgment, and frustration. And to be trustworthy, so was I. I felt the urge to defend myself, clarify myself, or in some way show that I used to be giving sufficient.
That have shook me extra deeply than I anticipated.
It made me ask:
Why did his judgment have an effect on me a lot?
Realizing I Had My Personal Good Particular person Identification
After reflecting on the expertise, one thing uncomfortable got here up:
I had been attempting to be a “good particular person” for years—not for myself, however for approval.
In religious environments, you see lots of people attempting their greatest: being variety, meditating, serving, talking positively. These are stunning intentions. However typically, with out realizing it, we begin measuring ourselves by:
- how a lot we meditate
- how a lot we volunteer
- how constructive we sound
- how religious others suppose we’re
- how “selfless” we seem
And on the opposite facet, we begin admiring individuals who appear to do extra:
- extra seva
- extra retreats
- extra hours of meditation
- extra religious experiences
Slowly, subtly, a type of religious scoreboard types within the thoughts.
And with out noticing, you begin to really feel responsible for resting, saying no, having boundaries, and never assembly others’ expectations.
You begin evaluating. You begin doubting your self. You begin feeling “much less religious” in the event you’re not continually giving.
And in my case, I noticed I used to be afraid of showing egocentric or unkind if I didn’t assist sufficient.
The reality was:
I wasn’t reacting to my pal. I used to be reacting to the a part of me that wanted to be seen pretty much as good.
How the Good Particular person Identification Creates Stress
If you’re caught within the “good particular person” identification, you might discover:
- You say sure even if you find yourself exhausted.
- You assist others however later really feel resentment.
- You’re feeling responsible setting boundaries.
- You are concerned what individuals suppose in the event you don’t “present up sufficient.”
- You’re feeling answerable for assembly everybody else’s expectations.
You may even really feel afraid of disappointing others—particularly in environments the place goodness is emphasised.
However goodness that’s pushed by guilt will not be really goodness.
It’s self-sacrifice with out self-awareness.
The Turning Level: Permitting Myself to Be Human
After that have, I sat with an uncomfortable fact:
I used to be attempting onerous to be good so that folks would approve of me.
Neither my pal nor I used to be a nasty particular person. We have been each performing from unexamined beliefs.
So I began asking myself:
Who am I after I’m not attempting to be a very good particular person?
Can I permit myself to be trustworthy reasonably than good?
Can I provide assist from love as an alternative of strain?
Can I set boundaries with out guilt?
Slowly, I started letting go of the identification that mentioned:
“Your price depends upon how a lot you give.”
What Letting Go Truly Seems Like
Letting go of the great particular person identification doesn’t imply changing into egocentric or uncaring.
It means:
- Serving to when your coronary heart is open, not while you’re afraid of judgment
- Saying no with out apologizing in your limits
- Permitting your self to relaxation
- Permitting others to have their opinions
- Understanding that your price will not be negotiable
- Being trustworthy reasonably than spiritually performing
- And the largest one: realizing you don’t must earn love or approval by proving your goodness
When goodness turns into pure reasonably than compelled, it turns into deeper, extra genuine, and extra free.
What I Discovered
That one second on the meditation heart turned a doorway. It confirmed me that:
Spirituality isn’t measured by how a lot you give.
Compassion contains compassion for your self.
True service comes from freedom, not concern.
Boundaries are acts of affection, not selfishness.
Being genuine is extra vital than being “good.”
And most significantly:
You don’t should be a “good particular person.” You simply should be an actual one.
About Paul Wong
Paul Wong is the founding father of Chinese language Energetics™, a technique he’s practiced for over fifteen years to assist high-performing professionals launch persistent stress and insecurities rooted in generational and adolescence imprints. His work helps a return to readability, emotional stability, and grounded interior energy. Paul affords reside workshops, on-line lessons, and personalised periods. Study extra at www.chineseenergetics.com or contact him at paul@chineseenergetics.com.