“Relaxation is just not idleness, and to lie generally on the grass beneath bushes on a summer time’s day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float throughout the sky, is under no circumstances a waste of time.” ~John Lubbock
For years, I assumed exhaustion was an indication I lived absolutely and did my greatest that day. I felt happy with being exhausted. I squeezed each bit out of the day, and there was nothing left.
If I felt drained, I pushed myself to do only one thing more. It was all the time only one thing more. If I wanted to lie down, I scolded myself for being weak. Round me, it appeared everybody else may preserve going—working late, saying sure to each request, holding all of it collectively, and getting every part finished.
So I pushed tougher. I drank extra espresso, ignored the pounding in my chest, and instructed myself I’d relaxation “later,” as a reward. And when that later lastly got here, I used to be so exhausted and empty, all I managed for myself was the best obtainable consolation meals and plopping down in entrance of the TV.
Deep down, I wasn’t simply drained from doing an excessive amount of. I used to be drained from being somebody I assumed others wanted me to be. I gave my every part, and nothing remained for me.
I used to be drained from people-pleasing.
When Relaxation Feels Unsafe
Folks-pleasing is usually misunderstood as kindness, however at its core it’s a survival technique. Psychologists name it the “fawn response.” When battle or flight aren’t potential, a few of us be taught to remain secure by appeasing others—saying sure, staying agreeable, avoiding battle in any respect prices.
This would possibly shield us in unsafe environments, however over time it takes a toll. The physique stays on excessive alert— scanning for others’ wants, monitoring their tone of voice, prepared to leap in and easy issues over.
In that state, relaxation doesn’t really feel like an choice.
Once I tried to pause—sit quietly, lie down, even take a sluggish breath—my physique rebelled. My chest buzzed with rigidity. My throat tightened, as if relaxation itself have been harmful. Doing nothing felt dangerous, as if somebody could be upset or reject or abandon me if I wasn’t helpful.
So I stayed in movement. On the surface, I appeared succesful, reliable, “good.” On the within, I used to be working on fumes.
The Price of By no means Stopping
When relaxation feels unsafe, exhaustion turns into a lifestyle.
The physique breaks down. I developed a stress knot in my shoulder, poor posture, and fixed fatigue.
The thoughts spirals. Anxiousness grew louder, whispering that I wasn’t doing sufficient.
The center aches. Saying sure once I needed no left me resentful and empty.
I assumed if I may simply be extra disciplined, I’d handle. However self-discipline wasn’t the issue—my nervous system was.
It had realized, way back, that slowing down invited hazard. So it stored me on guard, pushing, performing, and erasing myself—all within the identify of security, belonging, being accredited of and maybe accepted.
Realizing Relaxation Is A part of Therapeutic
The turning level got here once I examine trauma and the nervous system. I realized that exhaustion and restlessness weren’t proof that I used to be lazy or damaged. They have been survival responses. My physique wasn’t combating me—it was defending me, the one means it knew how.
That realization softened one thing inside. For the primary time, I noticed my fatigue not as failure, however as proof of how laborious I’d been making an attempt to outlive.
If my physique may be taught to see relaxation as hazard, perhaps it may additionally relearn relaxation as security.
Mild Practices for Making Relaxation Safer
The change didn’t come in a single day. However step-by-step, I started inviting relaxation again into my life—not as laziness, however as medication.
Right here are some things that helped:
1. Begin small.
As a substitute of making an attempt to nap for an hour, I practiced mendacity down for 5 minutes. Simply 5. Lengthy sufficient to note my physique however quick sufficient to not panic. Over time, these 5 minutes grew.
2. Anchor with contact.
When relaxation stirred nervousness, I positioned a hand on my chest or abdomen. That easy contact jogged my memory: I’m right here, I’m secure.
3. Redefine relaxation.
I ended considering relaxation needed to imply sleep. Relaxation may very well be sitting quietly with tea, staring on the sky, or listening to tender music. It was something that allow my nervous system breathe.
4. Problem the story.
When the internal critic mentioned, “You’re losing time,” I gently requested: Is it wasteful to look after the physique that carries me? Slowly, I started rewriting that story.
What I’ve Realized
Relaxation nonetheless isn’t all the time simple for me. Generally I lie down, and my chest buzzes prefer it used to, urging me to get again up. Generally guilt whispers that others are doing extra, so I ought to too.
However now I perceive: these emotions don’t imply I’m failing at life. They imply my physique continues to be unwinding previous survival patterns.
And the extra I apply, the extra I see relaxation for what it actually is:
- A strategy to reset my nervous system.
- A strategy to honor my limits.
- A strategy to reclaim the life that people-pleasing as soon as stole from me.
I used to imagine security got here from doing extra. Now I see that security begins with stopping.
Closing Reflection
For those who’ve ever averted relaxation, instructed your self you couldn’t afford to chill out, or felt responsible once you tried, you’re not alone. Many people carry nervous techniques that equate value with usefulness and security with exhaustion.
However what if the reality is the alternative? What if relaxation is just not indulgence however therapeutic? What if slowing down is just not egocentric however vital?
Relaxation might not really feel pure at first. It might even really feel unsafe and produce up emotions of panic, stress to get going once more, or a way of falling behind. However with gentleness, persistence, and compassion, the physique can relearn what it as soon as forgot: that it’s secure to cease.
You aren’t weak for needing relaxation. You’re human. And in a world that pushes fixed doing, selecting to relaxation could be the bravest factor you are able to do.
About Maya Fleischer
Maya Fleischer is a trauma-informed coach and licensed Compassion Key practitioner who writes at Unfold Consciously, a mild area for therapeutic emotional patterns and listening to the physique’s knowledge. She presents a free 5-Day Audio Journey for Delicate Souls that features day by day voice notes and practices to assist self-compassion and nervous system therapeutic. You’ll be able to discover it right here: Unfold Consciously – Free 5-Day Journey.