With a purpose to perceive your narcissist opponent (and let’s not keep away from recognising the truth that we regard you as our opponent) it’s important that you simply realise that we undertake two traces of defence. It’s crucial that our kingdom stays intact, that our rule over you will not be impeded, hindered or diminished in anyway. Because of this we should at all times have management. By sustaining management, we’re assured of attaining the supply of The Prime Goals so we acquire gasoline (most significantly) , character traits and the residual advantages.
Think about, if you’ll, a motorcar. This motorcar has a pc which controls the suspension of the car, This pc makes 1000’s of calculations and changes each second in order that the suspension alters to consider holes within the street, rocks, rises, dips and any deviation. The consequence of those frequent and instantaneous changes is that the automobile itself by no means lurches, dips, rolls, leans or deviates. You possibly can steadiness a glass of water on the dashboard and it could by no means spill. The automobile stays nonetheless and regular.
We’re related. We should at all times preserve management. We’ve to have management over our surroundings in order that we all know there will likely be no lack of gasoline, no discount within the components of the assemble, no destruction of our empire and the descent into oblivion. To make sure this management, similar to guaranteeing the motorcar stays regular, we’ve to make repeated and frequent changes to cater for the vagaries of the setting. We should deal with the challenges, preserve the loyalty, head off the rebel, put down the rebellions, stifle the dissent, preserve the self-discipline and no matter adjustments, alterations and variations happen, management have to be maintained. It doesn’t matter if our behaviour, when considered out of your perspective, is inconsistent, illogical, hypocritical, contradictory, abusive, absurd and so forth, as long as the management is maintained. That’s what issues above all else. By maintaining management, we acquire what we want and we live on as we require.
Any problem to this management requires a defensive response from us and this is available in two distinct varieties. We’ve a twin defence mechanism. The primary line is Denial. The second line is Distract and Deflect.
Coping with Denial. Should you problem us ultimately, which due to this fact threatens our management, then our quick response will likely be one in every of denial. Your problem could also be one which wounds us (due to this fact you’ll be able to count on a response by the use of ignited fury which encompasses the denial) or extra doubtless, you’ll be offering us with Problem Gasoline. Thus, you’ll not be wounding us, you’ll be giving us gasoline, however we not solely wish to provoke you into giving us extra gasoline however we even have to claim management and assert our superiority and denial achieves each.
Take such an alternate for instance, V is the accusing sufferer and N is the denying narcissist.
V – “I noticed you in a bar this night, Lorenzo’s, and also you have been with one other girl.”
N – “No, I wasn’t.”
V- “Sure you have been, I noticed you.”
N- “You possibly can not have accomplished, I used to be at work, I had a gathering run on, there was a brand new shopper and he wanted the workforce and I to kind fairly a number of issues out for him.”
V – “Cease mendacity, I noticed you with my very own eyes.”
N- “Properly you want new glasses as a result of it was not me, you suppose you noticed.”
V- “It was. I do know what you seem like for God’s sake. You have been holding arms with a slim girl with lengthy brown hair and he or she had a inexperienced shirt on.”
N – “It wasn’t me.”
V- “It was, cease mendacity. Simply admit it, will you?”
N- “It was not me.”
V- “I noticed you, I noticed you along with her.”
N- “You couldn’t have accomplished. Like I stated, I’ve been in work till now, Ring Tom, go on, he’ll affirm that I’ve.”
The narcissist maintains the denial. Problem Gasoline is being acquired because the sufferer is both pissed off, offended, harm or upset. The phrases used, the tone, the facial features and the physique language all contribute to the supply of gasoline. If the sufferer is the Intimate Companion Main Supply (“IPPS”) then the gasoline will likely be of a excessive efficiency. The amount of gasoline delivered is up to now low because the dialogue has solely lasted a minute or so, however the frequency is fixed for that minute. The narcissist will proceed to disclaim as a way to preserve management and assert his superiority for the needs of ‘placing down’ this problem. If the sufferer retains asserting the allegation, the narcissist will proceed with the denial till the sufferer offers up with the assertion. The narcissist has gasoline and has maintained (or regained) superiority.
Generally the primary line of defence is all that’s wanted to take care of the defence of the narcissist’s realm. Nonetheless, if the narcissist senses that the sufferer believes that they’re gaining the higher hand and thus has in impact damaged via the primary line of defence of Denial, then the narcissist will transfer to deploy the second line of defence which is that of Distraction and Deflection.
This second line is huge, intensive and attracts on a myriad of narcissistic manipulations. A few of them are delicate and insidious, others are blatant and rudimentary. However, they fall below the banner of Distraction and Deflection.
Returning to the instance above, the more and more exasperated sufferer decides to play the ace card and produces a cellular ‘telephone which accommodates footage of the narcissist with the thriller girl, holding arms and sharing a kiss. The sufferer performs the footage and the narcissist watches.
The Denial could possibly be maintained and in some situations this does occur. As an illustration the narcissist will state
“That’s not me, that’s another person.”
nonetheless, the narcissist will observe that the sufferer is displaying the indicators of gaining the higher hand. The phrases used, tone and expression will alter to indicate that the sufferer believes that she has now gained the argument and due to this fact the repeated denial will not be going to allow the narcissist to take care of superiority. Sure, he could proceed to attract gasoline from the sufferer if the sufferer continues to reply in an exasperated or incredulous method, however the superiority needs to be achieved additionally.
Accordingly that is the place the second line of defence is activated.
The Lesser may seize the cell phone and smash it. That is Deflection and Distraction. Admittedly, it won’t win any awards for ingenuity however that is what such an motion achieves on the a part of the narcissist:-
- The proof that helps the sufferer’s problem to the narcissist’s superiority has gone. Within the compartmentalised world of the narcissist if it isn’t there it doesn’t exist AND furthermore it NEVER existed, accordingly
V- “You smashed it as a result of you already know I’m proper.”
N- “About what?”
V- “You kissing that girl.”
N- “What girl?”
v – “The one on the video.”
N – “What video?”
V- “The one I simply confirmed you.”
N- “No you didn’t.”
Observe how the primary line of the defence has been resurrected. The destruction of bodily property (a manipulation, albeit a base one) was deployed as a Deflection and Distraction after which the narcissist, feeling that the problem has been addressed, offers with the follow-up problem from the sufferer by reverting to the primary line once more and thus engages in Denial.
Returning to what this act achieves for the narcissist
2. The response of the sufferer to this manipulation will present gasoline;
3. Superiority is maintained via this act.
How would possibly the Mid-Vary Narcissist reply to this escalation on the a part of the sufferer? Denial solely labored up to now, thus the second line of defence is deployed.
N – “What the hell do you suppose you’re enjoying at?”
V – “What do you imply?”
N- “Spying on me.”
V – “What? I’m not, I’m displaying you what you may have accomplished.”
N- “Sure you’re, I’m sick of you attempting to regulate me, spying on me like this. And I’m not the one one, John stated to me solely final week he thinks you’re very controlling.”
V- “John thinks that? How do you’re employed that one out?”
N- “Oh he isn’t the one one a number of of my buddies suppose it.”
The sufferer then will get sucked into justifying her personal behaviour, attempting to defend herself towards the imaginary management she apparently exerts over the narcissist. The narcissist has deployed Blame-Shifting, Triangulation and Smearing as a part of the second line of defence and it has labored. Gasoline is being offered and the preliminary allegation about dishonest has been left by the best way aspect.
The Mid-Ranger may have Distracted and Deflected by strolling off and interesting in a silent remedy (absent or current) or accusing the sufferer of getting an affair (Blame Shifting, Labelling, Projection) and due to this fact all method of various manipulations can kind a part of this second line of defence.
How concerning the Better, how would possibly he have responded to the manufacturing of this video proof?
He could have adopted the strategy of denial to start with, nonetheless, there’s a vital probability that the Better may have both seen what the Sufferer had been doing, been tipped off by somebody as to what the Sufferer has accomplished or ascertained from the Sufferer’s manner that there’s a potential ace to be produced. Accordingly, the Better would haven’t bothered with Denial to start with. His complete confidence within the efficacy of the second line of defence to this problem means he can dispense with the primary line. Thus, the dialog could have proceeded on this method :-
V – “I noticed you in a bar this night, Lorenzo’s, and also you have been with one other girl.”
N – “Did you, why didn’t you are available and say hiya. I used to be going to name you. That’s Jennifer, previous pal of mine.”
V- “Oh, I see, you didn’t say you have been assembly her.”
N – “Did I not, I believe you can see that I did. I informed you every week in the past about catching up along with her, I haven’t seen her in ages. You’ve gotten met her earlier than, do you bear in mind? It was once we have been on the field on the racing, for Girls’ Day final summer time. You had that pleasant costume on, you already know, the putting inexperienced one.”
Away goes the Better and embarks on a monologue, drawing up particulars from the previous (actual or invented), showering compliments and distracting the sufferer from the thrust of their grievance. In impact the Better could deploy a Phrase Salad to Deflect and Distract and thus acquire gasoline and preserve superiority. The Better has an enormous array of potential methods of deploying the second line of the defence. As an illustration he would possibly say :-
“Oh that girl, she is obsessive about me. There’s nothing to fret about. Sure she kissed me, moderately presumptuous of her however are you able to see how I broke it off. I didn’t need her inflicting a scene, she’s a little bit of a looney, however you’ve nothing to fret about there. You aren’t going to let somebody like her come between you and me are you?” (Blame Shifting, Smearing, Triangulation, Allure)
OR
“I kissed her, so what. Should you kissed me extra usually, this is able to not occur. You would possibly wish to take discover and up your sport or you’ll lose me.” (Menace, Blame-Shifting, Triangulation)
OR
“It truly is nothing, she was simply being moderately zealous. You understand individuals throw themselves at me, it’s you that I would like. Why else am I right here with you and no person else? Now, let me really feel what an actual kiss looks like, hmmm?” (Flattery, Allure, Triangulation)
OR
“I used to be recruiting her for that threesome you stated you wished, you do bear in mind agreeing to that don’t you? Admittedly, you have been a bit tipsy however you probably did say you wished to do it. She will likely be calling me at 9 o’clock, to return spherical, however I wished you to myself in fact earlier than she joins us.” (Triangulation, Gasoline Lighting)
The Better will invariably depend on his appeal and self-confidence to claim superiority and head off the problem, presumably switching to the difficulty of threats if required. Both means, the gasoline is obtained and the Deflection and Distraction line of defence stays intact and superiority is maintained and thus management with it.
Denial is the primary port of name for us to take care of management (although much less so with the Better) after which the vary of manipulations from Gasoline Lighting, Menace, Phrase Salad, Silent Therapy, Bullying, Intimidation, Labelling and Triangulation and extra in addition to kind a part of the second line of defence. We’ll embed Break up Considering, Volte Face, Hypocrisy, Contradiction inside this second line as a way to preserve management and hold management on a good keel. Such is the breadth and depth of this second line, you’ll not breach it and we are going to hold going till you’re pressured right into a retreat, we’re fuelled and we preserve that management that’s paramount to us. This is the reason we do as we do.