“You can’t heal what you refuse to confront.” ~Yasmin Mogahed
At sixteen, I walked out of my mom’s home with monitor marks and a half-packed bag. No large struggle. No slammed door. Simply the silent resignation of somebody who couldn’t look his mom within the eye anymore. I wasn’t leaving dwelling—I used to be bailing on it. On all the things.
I didn’t know the phrase “dependancy.” Properly, I knew it; I simply didn’t perceive it. I didn’t know that the flu I stored getting was withdrawal. I assumed I used to be simply weak. A loser. A burnout who couldn’t even use the best method.
Over the following few years, I’d burn by way of twenty-two remedy facilities and detoxes. Not metaphorically. I imply precise beds, precise paperwork, precise roommates, each pondering they’d seen somebody like me earlier than. I gave each counselor the identical script:
I’m prepared this time. I simply want a reset.
I’d be out inside days. Generally hours.
I wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t even shut.
The Actual Lie
You’d suppose the largest lie I instructed was to my household. Or the judges. Or to all these individuals who beloved me even once I gave them nothing again.
However the worst lies? They had been inside.
I instructed myself:
“That is only a part.”
“I can cease if I need.”
“I’m solely hurting myself.”
I satisfied myself that survival was the aim. Not progress. Not connection. Simply survive the day, or at the very least numb it out sufficient that it handed quietly.
That inside voice doesn’t yell. It whispers. It’s slick. And while you’re lonely, exhausted, and chemically dependent, it turns into your greatest buddy. Your solely buddy.
A Second I Can’t Neglect
One evening in my early twenties, I discovered myself strapped to a hospital mattress in Delaware after a suicide try that didn’t go as deliberate. I got here to with tubes in my arms, the style of iron in my mouth, and the sterile white ceiling staring again at me prefer it knew one thing I didn’t.
There was no grand awakening. No movie-scene second with tears and violins. Simply silence, and this unusual, unfamiliar feeling: I’m nonetheless right here.
One thing cracked open that evening—not in a method anybody else may see, however within the quiet again room of my very own consciousness. A voice I’d been ignoring for years—possibly my entire life—began whispering just a little louder.
I didn’t take heed to it instantly. I moved to Florida not lengthy after, making an attempt to outrun the injury and the disgrace. Spent almost a decade bouncing by way of remedy facilities, sober homes, associates’ couches—dwelling on repeat. That voice confirmed up at times, like a static sign within the background. However I used to be nonetheless too busy numbing out to essentially hear it.
After which in the future, years later, one thing modified. I lastly stopped making an attempt to close it up. I sat nonetheless lengthy sufficient to let it converse.
The very first thing it stated wasn’t poetic or profound. It was blunt. Go searching. So I did.
And what I noticed hit me like a slow-building wave:
I used to be in Arizona. 1000’s of miles from my household.
I had a daughter, two years outdated, dwelling in one other state—barely a part of my life.
I missed everybody. I missed myself. And I used to be scared.
That voice didn’t accuse or condemn. It simply stored going:
You’re allowed to need extra. You may change. Begin now.
The place I Lastly Stopped Operating
I bought sober in Arizona on September 26, 2010. However the actual work, the soul-level renovation, began within the days and weeks that adopted.
There was no lightning bolt, no sudden surge of motivation. Only a quiet dedication to cease mendacity to myself.
Therapeutic got here in moments that felt peculiar:
Brushing my tooth in a sober dwelling home and really wanting within the mirror. Making it to a job on time. Letting somebody ask how I used to be—and answering with out deflection.
I realized that sobriety wasn’t nearly quitting substances. It was about telling the reality. Particularly to myself.
I ended performing. I ended pretending I used to be high quality. I let myself need higher, after which, I began doing the boring, uncomfortable, essential issues that really create change.
Arizona, the place I’d initially come to due to a fling, turned the bottom the place I lastly planted roots. The place the place I realized the right way to present up—not only for others, however for me.
What I Know Now (That I Want I Knew Then)
We don’t change as a result of somebody tells us we must always. We modify as a result of one thing inside us begins to imagine, nonetheless faintly, that we’re able to extra.
The catch is: You need to cease bullshitting your self first.
Meaning:
Calling out the voice in your head that desires to maintain you small.
Sitting in discomfort with out escaping.
Letting individuals in, even when it appears like publicity.
You don’t should have all of it found out. Most individuals don’t. However you do have to get trustworthy about the place you’re at, and what that place is costing you.
Generally all-time low isn’t a single occasion. It’s the buildup of tiny self-abandonments that pile up till there’s barely any of you left.
For Anybody within the Thick of It
For those who’re studying this in the course of your personal mess, I received’t throw platitudes at you. Life isn’t a Hallmark film, and restoration isn’t a montage.
However right here’s what I can supply:
You’re not damaged. You’re buried.
There’s nonetheless a model of you underneath the ache, the denial, the self-sabotage. And that model doesn’t should be created from scratch; it simply must be remembered.
You don’t want a plan. You want a second. One trustworthy, gut-level second the place you cease working. That’s sufficient to start out.
And sure, it’ll be uncomfortable. However progress at all times is.
About Tom Fay
Tom Fay is the founding father of Gambit Restoration, a nationwide sober dwelling community constructed on construction, honesty, and connection. With over 14 years of sobriety, Tom’s ardour helps individuals cease mendacity to themselves lengthy sufficient to search out function once more. Be taught extra at gambitrecovery.com or observe him on Instagram @gambitrecovery.