“It is vitally essential for each human being to forgive herself or himself as a result of in case you stay, you’ll make errors—it’s inevitable. However when you do and also you see the error, then you definitely forgive your self and say, ‘Nicely, if I’d recognized higher I’d have achieved higher.’” ~Maya Angelou
I’ve lived lengthy sufficient to know the distinction between a mistake and a tragedy. A few of what I carry falls in between—moments I want I may redo, issues I mentioned or didn’t say, relationships I mishandled, and alternatives I let slip by my fingers. They don’t scream at me each day, however they go to me quietly. The reminiscence of my errors is sort of a second shadow—one which doesn’t go away when the sunshine adjustments.
I’ve achieved a whole lot of good in my life. I’ve constructed significant work, taught college students with coronary heart, and confirmed up for individuals when it counted. I’ve beloved deeply, even when clumsily. I’ve additionally failed—typically badly. And it’s the reminiscence of these failures, greater than the wins, that lingers.
The Lady on the Freeway, and Others I Left Behind
I bear in mind the lady on the aspect of a Mexican freeway after our automobile ran off the street. She touched my brow and appeared into me with a deep compassion and mystical kindness—wordlessly holding house for what had simply occurred. I by no means thanked her. I left with out saying goodbye, and I nonetheless take into consideration her. I’m wondering if she knew how a lot that second meant. I want I may inform her now.
That second wasn’t an remoted one. There have been many like her—mates, lovers, colleagues—individuals I walked away from too quickly or too late. Some I harm with silence. Others I misplaced as a result of I couldn’t admit I used to be incorrect. I see now that my delight obtained in the best way. So did worry. So did the misguided perception that being intelligent or daring or achieved may make up for emotional messiness.
It didn’t.
What I Thought Dwelling Absolutely Meant
I used to chase expertise and pleasure the best way Zorba the Greek did—believing that residing absolutely meant taking what life supplied, particularly when love or ardour knocked. Zorba mentioned the worst sin is to reject a girl when she desires you, since you’ll by no means cease questioning what may’ve been. There’s a wierd fact in that, even when it doesn’t match with trendy concepts of affection and consent and mutuality.
However I additionally know now: not each sure results in peace. Generally you dive in and nonetheless find yourself alone, or ashamed, or with another person’s ache in your fingers.
And right here’s the reality—I even failed at being a Zorba purist.
I missed a whole lot of messages and alternatives, not simply due to dangerous timing or exterior circumstances, however due to my very own blindness. Worry, shyness, and a deep lack of self-confidence obtained in the best way extra instances than I can rely. In that sense, sure, it’s a form of failure. I didn’t at all times seize the second. I didn’t at all times say sure. Generally I watched the boat go away with out me.
However right here’s what I’ve discovered: typically not getting what you wished for is the blessing. I missed out on issues which may have achieved extra hurt than good. And whereas I’ll by no means know for positive, I’ve come to belief the anomaly.
My urge for food for imagined reminiscences—for enjoying out what may need been—can nonetheless information me in unhealthy methods. It’s straightforward to get misplaced in nostalgia for potentialities that by no means had been. However that too has turn into a trainer. I’m studying to not be burdened by these alternate timelines. I’m studying to stay right here, now, on this life—the true one.
I Will Not Be a Sufferer
As of late, individuals discuss so much about not being a sufferer—and that’s turn into one thing of a mantra for me. Not in a tricky, self-righteous means, however as a quiet follow. I don’t need to flip my previous right into a story the place I’m the hero or the helpless. I need to see it clearly.
I’ve struggled in so some ways—emotionally, financially, spiritually. I’ve suffered by losses I couldn’t management and a few I helped create. However I’ve to always keep aware of my perspective. How I body my life issues. Am I seeing it by the lens of powerlessness? Or am I recognizing my half, proudly owning it, and doing what I can from right here?
Discovering that steadiness isn’t straightforward. I fall out of it often. However I return to it time and again: I can’t be a sufferer. I’ve the ability to reply—not completely, however consciously.
Studying to Stay With, Not In opposition to, My Errors
I carry these reminiscences not as a result of I need to however as a result of I’ve discovered that remorse has one thing to show me. It’s not only a burden. It’s a mirror. And if I have a look at it with clear eyes, it reveals me who I’ve turn into.
I’ve additionally discovered that some errors don’t go away. They stay in your bones. Individuals say, “Let go of the previous,” and I imagine that’s a worthy intention. It’s in keeping with the 4 Noble Truths in Buddhism: struggling comes from clinging, and peace comes from launch. However possibly some reminiscences are supposed to be carried—not as punishment, however as reminders.
Regardless of my tendency towards impostor syndrome—the whisper that I’m not clever sufficient, not healed sufficient, not even worthy of scripting this—I do know this a lot: I’m studying to stay with my errors reasonably than in opposition to them.
I not imagine therapeutic means erasing the previous. I believe it means letting it breathe. Letting it soften. Letting it converse—to not disgrace you, however to point out you the place the guts lastly opened.
Generally I’m wondering—how may I’ve missed a lot?
I don’t imply that I lacked intelligence. I imply I used to be usually distracted. Caught up in my very own ego, my longings, my fears. Generally I look again and shake my head, questioning how I didn’t see what was proper in entrance of me. Not simply as soon as, however time and again.
There’s that previous saying: Youth is wasted on the younger. Perhaps there’s a sharper model of that—Youth is wasted on the non-mindful. I see now what number of years I spent reacting as an alternative of reflecting, chasing as an alternative of listening, making an attempt to show one thing as an alternative of simply being current.
And but, possibly that is the way it works. Perhaps it’s essential to undergo the valley of errors earlier than we are able to rise into any significant self-awareness. Perhaps the errors—the cringeworthy ones, the silent ones, those we’ll by no means absolutely clarify—are the curriculum.
Nonetheless, I’ve doubts.
Is aware progress actual? Or are we at all times simply half-blind and half-deaf, hoping we’ve lastly gotten it, solely to be confirmed incorrect once more later?
Generally I believe I’ve developed. Different instances I notice I’m repeating the identical previous sample, simply in additional delicate methods. And but… there’s one thing completely different now. A deeper pause. An extended breath. A willingness to confess I don’t know, and to remain within the discomfort.
Perhaps that’s what progress actually seems like—not certainty, however humility.
No, I wasn’t silly. I used to be studying. I nonetheless am.
When the Weight Is Too A lot
After which, simply once I assume I’ve made peace with the previous, one thing occurs that shakes me once more.
This morning, I discovered that somebody I’ve recognized since highschool—an artist and surfer, quiet and soulful—jumped off a cliff to his demise.
It was the identical spot the place he first discovered to surf, first fell in love with the ocean, possibly even first turned himself. A spot full of reminiscence. And possibly, ache. Perhaps an excessive amount of.
We weren’t particularly shut, however I revered him. His artwork. His quiet means of being on this planet. And now he’s gone.
I don’t fake to know what he was carrying. However I do know this: reminiscence is highly effective. Returning to it could possibly heal us, or it could possibly crush us. Generally each.
So I write this with no judgment. Solely unhappiness. And the reminder that what we feature issues. That being type—to others and to ourselves—isn’t any small factor. That typically the strongest factor we are able to do is keep.
What I Know Now
So what have I discovered?
I’ve discovered that tenderness outlasts thrill. That presence issues greater than persuasion. {That a} goodbye spoken with kindness is healthier than a door closed in silence. I’ve discovered that some apologies come too late for anybody else to listen to—however that doesn’t imply you shouldn’t say them.
I’ve discovered that displaying up—nonetheless imperfectly—is at all times higher than disappearing.
And I’ve discovered that even now, even at this level in life, I can nonetheless select how I reply. I can meet the previous with compassion. I can meet this second with readability.
To those I left too quickly… to the individuals I did not thank, or hear, or stand beside… to those I beloved imperfectly however actually… here’s what I can say:
I see it now. I want I’d achieved higher. I’m sorry. I’m nonetheless studying.
And I’m nonetheless right here—nonetheless making an attempt, nonetheless rising, nonetheless changing into the particular person I hope to be.
And in case you’re studying this, carrying your individual reminiscences, your individual regrets, know this: you’re not alone. You don’t need to be good. You simply need to maintain displaying up. That’s what I’m making an attempt to do, too.
About Tony Collins
Tony Collins is a documentary filmmaker, educator, and author whose work explores creativity, caregiving, and private progress. He’s the creator of: Home windows to the Sea—a shifting assortment of essays on love, loss, and presence. Artistic Scholarship—a information for educators and artists rethinking how inventive work is valued. Tony writes to mirror on what issues—and to assist others really feel much less alone.