All the things is Designed to Safe Male Sexual Entry
The next is a transcript from the Narcissistic Abuse Restoration Podcast
Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Restoration Podcast
Host: Lynn Nichols
Comply with our work past the podcast: We publish essays and insights on Medium by means of our Shifting Ahead with Hope publication, and you can even discover extra content material and neighborhood updates on our Substack. Be a part of us there to go deeper, join with others, and assist the motion.
Lynn is a heartfelt advocate for private progress and empowerment, and writes with uncooked perception on navigating narcissistic abuse, poisonous relationships, and typically the societal challenges tied to the patriarchy. With a deeply experiential method, her tales make clear the emotional complexities of breaking free from poisonous patterns and reclaiming one’s voice. L.N. affords recent views on gender dynamics, self-worth, and therapeutic, encouraging readers to rebuild from inside and revolutionize their relationships.
Lynn can also be a trauma-informed narcissistic abuse restoration coach and podcast host. She creates movies on her YouTube channel to convey the message of therapeutic and restoration. Study extra on her web site right here.
Episode 97 The Objective of the Patriarchy: Controlling Girls’s Our bodies, Selections and Sexuality
So sure… it’s all about intercourse. Entry to intercourse particularly. It’s the place the x meets the y-axis. Bullseye. Welcome to your-life-has-been-planned-for-you. Jackpot child. It’s all about peaches and eggplants… strawberries and bananas… cherries and corn on the cob. The milkshake brings all of the boys to the yard. The backyard is all the time in bloom… the honey pot is rarely empty… and the apple pie was all the time heat and ready. You get the thought.
Intro
You most likely by no means thought we’d dare to speak about intercourse on this podcast. However why not? It’s a part of life. This episode will stay PC or relatively inside established tips.
Welcome again to the Narcissistic Abuse Restoration podcast. I’m Lynn, your host. As we speak we’re going to be speaking about the true function of the patriarchy… This episode might be foundational. Put it aside, obtain it, and take heed to it repeatedly as a result of we actually intend to interrupt issues down…
As we speak we’re going to be speaking about what the patriarchy is de facto all about – males gaining unrestricted entry to girls – how girls are manipulated into conventional roles from childhood, the trendy backlash in opposition to girls’s independence, why saying no disrupts the complete energy construction, and the way this battle for girls’s autonomy is a conflict that by no means really ends.
And I do know what you’re considering… the patriarchy as we’ve been instructed is all about energy, management, dominance, proper…? However what if I instructed you that’s simply the quilt story…? What if the true purpose wasn’t nearly management typically… however management over one particular factor?
What if the patriarchy was designed to present males unrestricted entry to girls… and particularly… to intercourse with girls?
Pull up a chair, or put your earbuds in, trigger you might be in for an actual experience with this episode.
Housekeeping
Earlier than we dive in, some housekeeping objects to share.
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Associated: Ambition is Not a Soiled Phrase – Ambition Girls
Phase 1: All the things is Designed to Safe Male Sexual Entry
So, let me ask you this… why does the patriarchy exist? What’s all of it about?
Ask most individuals why it exists… and also you’ll hear responses comparable to: males in management by means of energy and dominance… useful resource and asset administration together with inheritance legal guidelines… systemic management together with gender roles… and so forth.
However what if that’s simply half the story? What if that’s the cowl story?
Give it some thought. If the purpose was simply wealth or inheritance legal guidelines… males wouldn’t want to control girls’s our bodies so obsessively, would they? If the purpose was simply dominance… there’d be no purpose to tie girls’s value to their purity, obedience, or sexual availability.
If the purpose was simply free labor… males may have structured society to enslave girls as staff… not as wives and reproductive vessels. There’d be no want for elaborate legal guidelines round marriage or reproductive rights.
If the purpose was simply to make sure inhabitants progress… then securing steady delivery charges would have been sufficient. As a substitute… we see efforts not simply to encourage childbirth… however to drive it… even when it endangers the lady.
If the purpose was simply to keep up conventional gender roles… then why do these roles all the time, with out fail, revolve round guaranteeing males have entry to intercourse, kids, and emotional caretaking… whereas denying girls the identical freedoms?
However for hundreds of years… each establishment… marriage, faith, regulation, drugs, even cultural “morals”… has labored to make intercourse accessible, unconditional, consequence-free, and unique to males.
Had been they attempting to create a utopia for males? A world the place intercourse was all the time accessible… with out effort… with out emotional labor… and with out accountability?
So why then did they’ve to manage girls? As a result of when girls management their very own our bodies… they will say no.
And that’s the true drawback… isn’t it?
Since Episode 69
Since Episode 69, the place we explored The Nice Divorce and the widening hole between women and men in relationships, we’ve been digging deeper—unpacking social conditioning, calling out collective blind spots, and confronting the methods patriarchy reveals up in our on a regular basis lives.
That episode marked a shift for this podcast. From there, we’ve been unraveling patriarchy from each angle—and sure, typically sideways too. We’ve additionally been connecting these patterns to narcissism and emotional abuse in ways in which aren’t usually talked about.
Associated: The Nice Divorce – Episode 69
Phase 2: The Gaslighting of Girls into Motherhood
Now that we perceive the true purpose… let’s discuss how this method will get girls to conform willingly.
From the time we’re little… everybody round us vegetation the concept having youngsters isn’t simply one thing we are able to do… it’s one thing we are going to do. Dad and mom inform us “You’ll change your thoughts” earlier than we even know what we would like. Pals assume we’ll all hit a sure age and abruptly crave infants. Films make it seem to be motherhood is the important thing to happiness… whereas faith pushes the concept it’s a lady’s best function. And if we push again? We’re egocentric. We’re lacking out. We’ll remorse it.
However right here’s the reality behind all of it… this isn’t about what we would like. It’s about retaining girls in a job that advantages everybody however us.
And the extra we name it out… the more durable it’s to maintain the lie going.
Beware that your closest members of the family… who declare to like and assist you and say they need the perfect for you… will gaslight you into having kids.
In case your mother tells you to not have kids… is she not directly saying she wished she by no means had you? Is that this why moms need to maintain selling having kids? Are they only attempting to avoid wasting face? Or since they had been depressing… in addition they need you to be depressing and trapped? Do they really feel it’s your responsibility to have kids? Do moms simply need their daughters to slot in with society and can push for her to have kids as a result of they don’t need her to be a social outcast? Do moms not likely care in regards to the needs and needs of their daughters? Or do some moms not even give it some thought… and simply promote kids as a result of society at giant promotes and encourages it?
Right here’s the uncomfortable fact that nobody needs to say out loud… Most moms can’t admit they made the incorrect alternative… in order that they want you to make the identical one. Now, let’s be clear… lots of our moms and grandmothers didn’t have the alternatives we’ve right this moment.
They lived in a time when contraception was more durable to entry… when careers for girls had been restricted… when single motherhood meant social exile… and when saying no to motherhood wasn’t actually an choice in any respect. They had been trapped by the system in ways in which many people aren’t right this moment. However right here’s what’s occurring now… as an alternative of celebrating that their daughters have extra freedom… as an alternative of claiming ‘I’m so glad you’ve selections I by no means had’… they’re nonetheless pushing the identical path.
They’re nonetheless utilizing guilt, manipulation, and strain to get you to make the selection they had been pressured to make. Give it some thought… if motherhood was really essentially the most fulfilling, joyous expertise a lady may have… why would there be a whole trade constructed round convincing girls to do it? Why would there be a lot strain, guilt, and manipulation concerned? Blissful folks don’t have to recruit others into their life-style… they only stay it. However girls who sacrificed every little thing… who gave up desires they barely obtained to dream… they want firm.
They want validation. They want proof that their sacrifice meant one thing. And the one strategy to get that proof… is to observe different girls make the identical sacrifice. Your freedom is a mirror… they usually don’t like what they see mirrored again at them. They see the life they might have had… in the event that they’d been born in a distinct time.
Are the ladies who promote this life-style and having kids selling it as a result of they need to? Are these girls so deeply embedded into this patriarchal life-style that they can’t see life for his or her daughters another approach?
Let me simply pause right here for a second… as a result of we’ve lined quite a lot of floor and I wish to be certain that that is actually sinking in.
We began by speaking about how the patriarchy isn’t actually about normal energy and management… it’s particularly designed to make sure males have unrestricted entry to intercourse with girls. That’s the true purpose hiding behind all the opposite explanations.
Then we dove into how girls get manipulated into motherhood from the time they’re little women… how everybody vegetation this concept that having youngsters isn’t simply one thing you are able to do… however one thing you’ll do. And we talked about that uncomfortable fact… that lots of the girls pushing motherhood on you… together with your personal mom… may be doing it as a result of they want you to validate their very own selections. They want firm of their sacrifice.
And right here’s the factor… this isn’t about particular person girls being unhealthy folks. A lot of our moms and grandmothers had been trapped by a system that gave them no actual selections. However as an alternative of celebrating that we’ve extra freedom… they’re nonetheless attempting to push us down the identical path.
To date… we’re seeing a sample right here. Management girls’s our bodies… manipulate them into conventional roles… and ensure they keep accessible. However what occurs when girls begin saying no to all of this? That’s what we’re going to speak about subsequent.
So we’ve seen how they manipulate girls into motherhood… however let’s zoom out and take a look at the larger image of how this complete system was designed.
Phase 3: A World Constructed for Male Sexual Need
How can this huge social construction maintain its true goal hidden for therefore lengthy?
If patriarchy was nearly normal management… it wouldn’t should be so obsessive about what girls do with their our bodies. But… for hundreds of years… establishments have aligned to make sure that males… and solely males… have unrestricted entry to intercourse, kids, and emotional caretaking.
How do we all know this? Easy… Take a look at what the system protects.
Marriage legal guidelines traditionally ensured wives had been property… and couldn’t refuse their husbands sexually. Spiritual doctrines framed girls’s purity as a measure of value… policing their sexuality whereas celebrating male conquest. Hearken to episodes 86 and 87 for the breakdown of the purity tradition mindset and the way unbelievably poisonous and dangerous it’s.
Financial constructions left girls financially dependent… making it more durable to say no, depart, or set boundaries. Reproductive legal guidelines have all the time been about management… not care… forcing girls into motherhood whereas making males’s position non-compulsory.
At each flip… these establishments weren’t simply controlling girls in a normal sense… they had been particularly designed to maintain girls sexually accessible… whereas denying them the identical freedoms.
A world constructed for male want is a world the place intercourse is anticipated… however not negotiated. Girls are shamed for having intercourse… however punished for refusing it. Males are inspired to “sow their wild oats”… however girls are burdened with the results.
However right here’s the place issues get attention-grabbing… girls are beginning to get up to this manipulation.
So we’ve seen how they manipulate girls into motherhood… however let’s zoom out and take a look at the larger image of how this complete system was designed.
And right here’s what I want you to know… Sure, it’s ALL ABOUT CONTROLLING WOMEN’S BODIES. That’s the reason this conflict is rarely going to finish. That’s the reason we’re by no means going to finish the discussions round consent, girls’s autonomy, girls’s empowerment, and girls’s rights.
This isn’t an issue that will get solved as soon as after which all of us transfer on with our lives. That is an ongoing battle… a continuing push and pull between a system that wants girls to be compliant and accessible and carry out emotional and family labor free of charge, and elevating the subsequent technology with a drained and exhausted smile on their face… and girls who’re realizing they’ve the best to say no.
Each technology of girls has to combat this similar combat… as a result of the system will depend on retaining girls managed. The second girls begin taking again their energy… the second they begin saying no to getting used… the system pushes again more durable.
And after I say girls taking again their energy, what that basically begins with is girls saying no. No to the methods, no to the construction. No to the societal expectations. No to the compliance. And no to having infants and elevating them as a result of “it’s speculated to be the plan for girls…”
When girls say no, and quite a lot of girls say no, it forces the system to shift and alter.
However right here’s the place issues get attention-grabbing… girls are beginning to get up to this manipulation. And when girls get up… after they begin seeing the strings being pulled…
Phase 4: The Energy Shift – What Occurs When Girls Take Again Management
Girls saying no isn’t simply an act of defiance… it’s a catalyst for change. And the extra girls reclaim their autonomy… the extra the steadiness of energy shifts.
Extra girls are selecting singlehood… and thriving. Research present single girls are sometimes happier, more healthy, and safer than their married counterparts.
And that’s precisely why the pushback is so sturdy… particularly proper now.
As a result of if girls don’t comply… the patriarchy will slowly dismantle.
And as you may anticipate… when girls begin taking again management, the system doesn’t simply sit quietly.
Aspect be aware… articles are disappearing off the net. I’ve saved hyperlinks… and the sources have been taken down.
Girls are redefining relationships on their very own phrases. Fewer girls are dashing into marriage… and extra are prioritizing compatibility, respect, and emotional reciprocity.
A cultural shift in expectations. Youthful generations are questioning outdated gender roles… demanding equality in relationships… and rejecting the concept girls “owe” males intercourse, kids, or emotional caretaking.
Each youngster free by alternative lady is defiant… in accordance with them. They wish to personal her selections. They wish to dictate her future.
Each time a lady chooses herself over outdated expectations… the system loses a few of its grip. The extra girls decide out of patriarchal management… the more durable it turns into to maintain it.
Phase 5: The Pushback Towards Girls’s Altering Roles
All through historical past… societies have had a behavior of responding aggressively when the expectations positioned on girls are questioned. When the standard steadiness is disrupted… when people determine to maneuver away from roles assigned to them… the response is usually not certainly one of acceptance… however resistance.
It’s all the time resistance.
Many individuals really feel the present construction is working tremendous and or they don’t like change.
And keep in mind… because of this this conflict by no means ends except the system is totally uprooted. Each technology of girls who attempt to break away from assigned roles faces the identical aggressive pushback. It’s not a coincidence… it’s by design. The system can’t survive if girls understand they’ve selections.
Up to now… girls who didn’t observe the same old path… whether or not they lived alone, spoke their minds, or prioritized their very own targets… had been usually handled as suspicious and had been made to consider they weren’t credible.
Some had been labeled as outsiders, troublemakers,…only for selecting a distinct lifestyle. In lots of locations… a household’s repute was tied as to whether its girls adopted the foundations. In the event that they didn’t… others would step in to “right” issues.
That historic sample of resistance? It’s alive and effectively right this moment… simply with new ways. Similar to a narcissist. They might come again into your life with a brand new tactic. Actually it’s the identical outdated tactic with a special approach.
Phase 6: Trendy Backlash – The Warfare Towards Girls’s Autonomy
Whereas society has developed… the punishment for girls saying no has merely modified type. The assaults are actually political, cultural, and financial… however the purpose stays the identical… to coerce girls again into submission.
Abortion bans and contraception restrictions. Girls’s reproductive rights are underneath assault… guaranteeing they will’t absolutely management their very own futures.
Assaults on feminism and single girls. Little one-free and unbiased girls are ridiculed as egocentric, unnatural… or doomed to remorse their selections.
Financial discrimination. The gender pay hole… lack of maternal assist… and office bias all make monetary independence more durable to keep up.
Let’s not lose sight of what that is actually about… giving males unrestricted entry to intercourse with girls. Each single certainly one of these fashionable ways… the abortion bans, the financial punishment, the social shaming… all of them serve the identical function. Maintain girls accessible. Maintain girls dependent. Maintain girls saying sure. When girls can’t management their very own copy… after they can’t assist themselves financially… after they’re remoted from assist networks… they will’t say no. And that’s precisely the purpose. The patriarchy has all the time been a system designed to make sure males have entry to intercourse… with out having to earn it, with out having to keep up it, with out investing emotionally, and with out penalties. All the things else… the discuss custom, household values, defending girls… that’s simply the gross sales pitch and the quilt story. What do you assume…
Associated: Ostracized by your loved ones? How Love turns into Hate – a Deep Dive
Cultural ostracization runs even deeper.
Right here’s what’s actually insidious… unbiased girls are painted as lonely, depressing, or undesirable… whereas males in the very same place are celebrated as free-spirited bachelors. Take into consideration that double commonplace for a second.
And it’s not simply society at giant doing this… it’s different girls too. Single girls get pushed out by their married mates… abruptly they’re not invited to {couples}’ dinners… they’re seen as a risk or simply irrelevant to the brand new married life-style.
The message is evident… in case you’re not partnered up, you don’t belong. Right here’s a query that may hit dwelling for a lot of of you… What number of girls who couldn’t have youngsters felt rejected by their buddy community? What number of girls watched their friendships disappear the second they couldn’t take part in mommy teams and play dates?
Even girls who desperately needed kids however couldn’t have them… they get pushed out of social circles… handled as broken or incomplete. As a result of a lady’s worth continues to be measured by her skill to breed. The isolation is intentional. If you take away a lady’s assist system… once you make her really feel like an outsider for making totally different selections… you’re extra prone to strain her again into compliance.
The rise of on-line misogyny. From incel boards to Pink Tablet influencers… the web is stuffed with males raging over girls rejecting conventional roles. They’re furious… and your man buddy is listening to those subgroups however will deny that he does. Hearken to Episode 84 and 89.
Every time girls take steps towards bodily, monetary, or sexual autonomy… the backlash intensifies.
That is precisely what I imply after I say this conflict won’t ever finish. The discussions round consent, girls’s autonomy, girls’s empowerment, and girls’s rights… they’re not going away as a result of the risk to girls’s freedom isn’t going away. Each time we make progress… each time girls acquire slightly extra management over their very own our bodies and lives… the system adapts and finds new methods to push again. Hearken to Episode 81…
If patriarchal management wasn’t primarily about securing male entry to girls… then girls saying no wouldn’t be met with this stage of rage, violence, and authorized suppression.
Associated: Bell Hooks – The Will to Change
If a lady not wanting kids was really only a “private alternative”… why are child-free girls continually shamed?
If singlehood had been simply one other life-style… why are unbiased girls all the time painted as unhappy, bitter, or regretful?
If abortion and contraception had been simply healthcare… why is there such an aggressive, well-funded effort to strip girls of those rights?
As a result of when girls say no… they disrupt the muse of the patriarchy.
Be ready to see quite a lot of pregnant photos now. Since they need girls barefoot and pregnant…
It’s by no means been about equality. It’s all the time been about guaranteeing that ladies stay accessible… bodily, sexually, and emotionally.
And when that entry is denied? The system panics… and so do the boys.
If all of this wasn’t actually about controlling girls… why does the dialog all the time circle again to what girls ought to do with their our bodies, their time, their selections?
If it was actually about equity, steadiness, and even simply “custom”… then girls selecting totally different paths wouldn’t be met with such resistance, disgrace, or punishment.
A system that depends on girls being accessible always… will all the time push again when girls determine they belong to themselves.
Now… if any of that is sounding acquainted to you on a private stage… there’s a purpose for that…
Phase 7: The Narcissistic Abuse Connection – Management By Manipulation
So… in any case of this heavy stuff… let’s circle again to the place we began. Bear in mind all that discuss peaches and eggplants… milkshakes within the yard… gardens all the time in bloom? We’ve been talking in code about these items endlessly.
We use emojis, meals metaphors. We’re taught to be embarrassed about our personal our bodies… to talk in whispers about our personal needs… to make use of cute little symbols as an alternative of actual phrases.
When you begin seeing this method for what it truly is… when you perceive that it’s all about controlling entry to girls… these cute little metaphors begin feeling totally different.
The milkshake bringing boys to the yard? That’s about sexual availability. The backyard all the time being in bloom? That’s about girls all the time being prepared and prepared. We’ve been conditioned to make even our personal sexuality about serving others… about being accessible.
Closing
As we begin to shut down this episode… I would like you to comprehend one thing.
It’s not about equity, steadiness, and even morality. It’s a hierarchical energy system constructed by males for males… to allow them to have unrestricted entry to intercourse with girls.
They’ll construct methods, create legal guidelines, set up governance, and design social constructions… all to make their needs actuality.
They don’t need girls to manage their very own our bodies. To be autonomous. To make their very own cash and selections. They don’t need girls to be financially unbiased.
As a result of when girls have all of that… girls can say no.
And that takes away their energy.
When girls say no… the switch of energy begins.
Sure… it’s all about controlling girls’s our bodies. That is the conflict that by no means ends… the battle for girls’s autonomy that each technology has to combat. They’ll proceed to silence girls and attempt to drive compliance. New ways… similar purpose. This can all the time be an ongoing subject as a result of the system will depend on girls’s compliance to outlive.
This method was constructed to present males quick access to intercourse with girls. Each regulation, each custom, each social strain… all of it comes again to that. When girls can say no and imply it… when girls can depart… when girls can select themselves… the entire system falls aside.
So… girls need to make private selections on what’s finest for them.
And that’s precisely why saying no… whether or not to outdated expectations, pressured roles, or silent obligations… has all the time been essentially the most highly effective defiant act of all.
Thanks for listening right this moment.
Extra Sources:
Timeline of the Historical past of Sexual Violence within the U.S.
Spiritual Doctrine Imposing Sexual Purity Requirements: What’s Purity Tradition?
Are Girls Who Select to Reside Alone Happier?
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