The next is a transcript of our podcast episode 100, a milestone podcast.
Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Restoration Podcast
Host: Lynn Nichols
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Lynn is a heartfelt advocate for private progress and empowerment, and writes with uncooked perception on navigating narcissistic abuse, poisonous relationships, and generally the societal challenges tied to the patriarchy. With a deeply experiential method, her tales make clear the emotional complexities of breaking free from poisonous patterns and reclaiming one’s voice. L.N. gives contemporary views on gender dynamics, self-worth, and therapeutic, encouraging readers to rebuild from inside and revolutionize their relationships.
Lynn can also be a trauma-informed narcissistic abuse restoration coach and podcast host. She creates movies on her YouTube channel to carry the message of therapeutic and restoration. Study extra on her web site right here.
You recognize that feeling… when one thing is incorrect… however you may’t fairly put your finger on it? Once you’re continuously second-guessing your self… questioning in the event you’re being too delicate… or studying an excessive amount of into issues?
I need to let you know about Sarah. She was a profitable advertising and marketing director… climbing the company ladder… revered by her colleagues. She had a companion who appeared extremely supportive. He would inform everybody… how proud he was of her achievements. However right here’s what was occurring… behind closed doorways.
The night time earlier than her greatest presentation of the yr… he would all of a sudden must have a severe relationship speak… that went till 3 AM. When she obtained promoted… he deliberate a shock weekend getaway… that conflicted along with her crew celebration dinner. When she talked about her work wins at social gatherings… he would instantly redirect the dialog to his personal struggles… leaving her feeling egocentric for even bringing it up.
Every incident… taken alone… appeared harmless. Caring, even. However collectively… they shaped a sample so refined… so fastidiously orchestrated… that Sarah started to doubt her personal perceptions. This isn’t about forgetting occasions. That is about one thing much more calculated… and devastating.
That is covert sabotage… and it’s essentially the most insidious type of psychological management you’ll ever encounter.
There’s a saying that behind each unsuccessful individual, you’ll usually discover somebody who systematically undermined their potential. Analysis reveals this isn’t simply coincidence or dangerous luck. Once we look at derailed careers, deserted desires, and diminished confidence, we often uncover a sample of calculated interference. Somebody advantages whenever you don’t attain your full potential. Somebody’s sense of energy depends upon your powerlessness. And understanding this dynamic is essential to defending your self from it.
Welcome again to the Narcissistic Abuse Restoration Podcast, I’m Lynn, your host.
At this time, on this episode, we’re going to speak about 4 important issues: First… what covert sabotage truly is… and why it’s so exhausting to detect. Second… why profitable ladies are particularly focused… and the 5 signature ways used in opposition to them. Third… the superior psychological warfare methods that make you’re feeling such as you’re shedding your thoughts. And fourth… what this does to your nervous system… and tips on how to acknowledge the patterns once they’re designed to be invisible.
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DEFINITION AND CORE PSYCHOLOGY
So let’s begin with what covert sabotage truly is. Analysis defines it as working in stealth… nearly undetectable… undermining methods the place actions might nearly appear harmless… or unintended. However right here’s what makes it so harmful… the important thing phrase is “appear.”
Nothing about covert sabotage is unintended. It’s a calculated psychological warfare tactic… designed to destabilize you… whereas sustaining believable deniability. The individual doing this may all the time level to their good intentions… their assist… their love for you. And that’s precisely the purpose.
So what’s happening within the thoughts of somebody who engages in covert sabotage? They’re working from a spot of deep insecurity… masked by an inflated sense of superiority. They’ve an unconscious understanding… that their false self can solely survive… if others are diminished. Your success… your confidence… your achievements… these turn into existential threats to their fastidiously constructed id.
Right here’s what’s significantly chilling… they rationalize their conduct to themselves. They’re not sabotaging you… they’re “serving to you keep grounded.” They’re not undermining your confidence… they’re “protecting you practical.” They’re not stealing your highlight… they’re “balancing the connection dynamic.”
And why do they aim your strengths particularly? As a result of analysis reveals that people with these traits… see potential in others as a direct risk. As a substitute of mentoring and rising you… they’ll sabotage you. They have to be the focal point always… and your success challenges that basic want.
The individual partaking in covert sabotage has doubtless studied you… extra fastidiously than you understand. They know your insecurities… your triggers… your desires… and your fears. And so they use this intimate information as ammunition… deployed with surgical precision… at precisely the moments when it should trigger most harm… with minimal detectability.
THE TARGETING OF SUCCESSFUL WOMEN
Now let’s speak about one thing that analysis is lastly catching as much as… why profitable ladies are particularly focused for one of these abuse.
There’s a paradox that therapists see repeatedly… high-powered, profitable ladies discovering themselves in relationships with manipulative males. Ladies who can negotiate million-dollar offers… who lead groups… who’re revered of their fields… in some way find yourself strolling on eggshells at house.
This isn’t coincidence. It’s calculated choice.
Right here’s what’s occurring… manipulative people usually particularly hunt down profitable ladies… as a result of they signify the last word prize. Give it some thought… in the event you can management and diminish somebody who the world sees as highly effective and completed… think about how all-powerful that should really feel. It’s not sufficient to regulate somebody who’s already susceptible… the true prize is breaking down somebody who seems unbreakable.
Give it some thought… in the event you can management and diminish somebody who the world sees as highly effective and completed… think about how all-powerful that should really feel. It’s not sufficient to regulate somebody who’s already susceptible… the true prize is breaking down somebody who seems unbreakable. They assume… anybody can management somebody who’s already damaged, but when I can break somebody who appears unbreakable, that proves I’m actually superior.
Let me be crystal clear about one thing… these people should not FOR you. They might say they assist you, they might inform others how proud they’re of your success, they might even persuade you that they’re your greatest cheerleader. However that assist? It’s a efficiency. It’s a fastidiously crafted masks they put on in public whereas systematically undermining you behind closed doorways.
Right here’s what makes this so devastating… to everybody else, they appear to be your biggest ally. They communicate glowingly about your achievements at dinner events. They put up supportive feedback in your social media. They inform mutual pals how fortunate they’re to have somebody so profitable of their life. However behind that facade… they’re learning your calendar… timing their chaos… and strategically dismantling your confidence piece by piece.
That is why it’s so exhausting to elucidate to others what’s occurring. Once you attempt to inform somebody that your seemingly supportive companion is definitely sabotaging you… you sound paranoid. Once you say that the one who publicly champions your success is privately undermining it… individuals have a look at you such as you’re imagining issues. As a result of the manipulation is designed to be invisible to everybody besides you.
Let me share 5 signature ways used particularly in opposition to profitable ladies…
First… Profession Milestone Sabotage. Analysis reveals these people systematically dampen enthusiasm… throughout moments after we needs to be celebrating… throughout graduations… enterprise successes… promotions. They divert focus again to their very own wants.
Image this… You land the largest consumer of your profession. As a substitute of celebrating with you… your companion all of a sudden develops a mysterious sickness… that requires your rapid consideration and care. Or they decide a combat about one thing fully unrelated… making certain that your second of triumph… is overshadowed by relationship drama. The message is obvious… your success is much less essential than their wants.
Second… Skilled Status Assassination. That is the place they unfold false rumors… that result in missed promotions… tasks… and alternatives. They isolate you out of your skilled community.
They may casually point out to your colleagues… that you simply’ve been “actually careworn recently”… or that “work has been consuming you.” They plant seeds of doubt… about your stability… your priorities… your reliability. And so they do it with such obvious concern… that individuals assume they’re being supportive.
Third… Strategic Interference Throughout Crucial Moments. They create chaos… proper earlier than essential displays… consumer conferences… or deadlines.
The night time earlier than your large presentation… they’ll all of a sudden must course of a childhood trauma. The morning of your essential interview… they’ll create a disaster… that requires your rapid emotional availability. They’ve studied your calendar… they usually know precisely when to strike… for optimum impression.
Fourth… Achievement Minimization. They make dismissive feedback… about your skills or achievements… suggesting you’re not as succesful or gifted… as you actually are.
“It’s simply a typical venture… anybody might have achieved that.” “You had been fortunate the crew carried you.” “The market situations made that sale simple.” They systematically chip away… at your sense of competence… making you query whether or not your successes are professional.
Fifth… Useful resource and Vitality Depletion. Analysis reveals they time their wants… proper up till the second… whenever you most want assist. They manufacture crises that drain your psychological and emotional assets… precisely whenever you want them most for work.
Throughout your busy season… they all of a sudden can’t perform… with out fixed reassurance. Once you’re making ready for a significant deadline… they develop pressing relationship considerations… that require hours of debate. They turn into emotional vampires… exactly when you may least afford to offer.
What makes this significantly devastating… is that every particular person incident has believable deniability. They’re simply sharing their emotions. They’re simply processing their feelings. They’re simply having a foul day. However the sample reveals the reality… your success is being systematically undermined.
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Let’s recap what we’ve lined thus far… We’ve outlined covert sabotage as calculated psychological warfare… designed to destabilize you whereas sustaining believable deniability. We’ve explored why profitable ladies are particularly focused… and recognized 5 key ways… profession milestone sabotage… popularity assassination… strategic interference… achievement minimization… and power depletion. Now let’s dive deeper into the superior psychological warfare methods… that make you’re feeling such as you’re shedding your thoughts.
ADVANCED PSYCHOLOGICAL TACTICS
Now let’s go into some the delicate psychological warfare ways… that transcend the plain. These are the strategies… that make you’re feeling such as you’re shedding your thoughts.
Data Warfare is probably essentially the most refined… and efficient software of their arsenal. This operates on a number of ranges.
First… there’s selective reminiscence and strategic forgetfulness. They keep in mind each slight in opposition to them… with excellent readability… however conveniently overlook each promise they made to you… each dedication… each settlement that advantages you. When confronted… they don’t deny… they merely don’t keep in mind. “Are you positive I stated that?… I don’t recall agreeing to that.” This makes you query… your personal reminiscence… and notion of actuality.
Then there’s the “useful” correction. That is the place they subtly rewrite historical past… by providing minor corrections to your tales… that shift the narrative of their favor. You say you bought a standing ovation… after your presentation. They are saying… “Effectively… most individuals stood up… anyway.” You point out how the consumer liked your proposal. They add… “Although they did appear to have some considerations… in regards to the timeline.” These micro-corrections accumulate over time… slowly eroding your confidence… in your personal experiences.
Social sabotage by character assassination… is probably essentially the most damaging type of info warfare. They unfold refined doubts about your character… to your social {and professional} community. Not apparent lies… these could possibly be disproven. As a substitute… they share “considerations” about you… which are inconceivable to refute… as a result of they’re offered as caring observations.
The Timing Sport is the place their true calculating nature turns into evident. They’ve studied you… they usually know precisely when to strike… for optimum impression.
Associated: The Objective of the Patriarchy – What are they attempting to regulate or have entry to?
Analysis confirms that these people time their sabotage unexpectedly… whereas showing supportive… till important moments. Take into consideration this… they know your cycle. They know when your essential conferences are… when your deadlines hit… whenever you’re most susceptible to emphasize. And that’s exactly once they create chaos.
They create synthetic urgency… and disaster cycles… that appear to have nothing to do together with your schedule… however the correlation is just too constant to be coincidental. Each time you could have one thing essential occurring… all of a sudden their world is falling aside… they usually want you to repair it.
The coincidence that by no means is… in the event you begin monitoring these incidents… you’ll discover that their emergencies… their emotional breakdowns… their pressing wants… all the time appear to occur on the worst attainable time for you. However whenever you level this out… you’re accused of being paranoid… or self-centered.
Id Erosion By Success Shaming is probably essentially the most psychologically damaging tactic… as a result of it assaults the core of who you might be.
They examine your insecurities… with the main target of a scientist. Each dialog the place you’ve shared your fears… your doubts… your areas of sensitivity… turns into information they use in opposition to you. They craft micro-aggressions so completely focused… that they hit your deepest wounds… whereas sustaining full deniability.
How do they know precisely what to say to make you query every part about your self? How do they all the time appear to search out the one factor that can harm you most… after which ship it with such informal precision that you simply marvel in the event you’re being too delicate? How is it that they’ll make you’re feeling small and insignificant with only a look… a tone… a wonderfully timed remark… whereas showing fully harmless to anybody watching?
These aren’t accidents. These aren’t coincidences. That is psychological warfare at its most calculated stage… and it’s a trademark of narcissistic abuse.
Analysis reveals people with narcissistic traits are masters at one of these covert manipulation. They’ve an nearly supernatural capacity to determine your vulnerabilities… not that can assist you heal them… however to weaponize them in opposition to you. They examine you want a science experiment… cataloging your fears… your insecurities… your triggers… after which they use this intimate information as ammunition.
What makes narcissistic abuse so significantly devastating is that these people want you to be diminished for them to really feel elevated. Your confidence threatens their fastidiously constructed false self. Your success reminds them of their very own inadequacy. So that they systematically work to tear down what they’ll’t authentically construct in themselves.
They make you query your competence and instinct… by continuously providing unsolicited recommendation… refined corrections… and implications that you simply’re not seeing the complete image. “Are you positive you need to method it that method?… Have you ever thought of that possibly you’re being too delicate?… I simply need to be sure you’re not making a mistake.”
Associated: Does Partnership require destroying the patriarchy?
They are saying this stuff to get beneath your pores and skin, intentionally. The sluggish rewrite of your private narrative… is probably essentially the most insidious side. Over time… they modify the story of who you might be. Your confidence turns into vanity. Your success turns into luck. Your achievements turn into crew efforts… the place you performed a minor position. They don’t do that by direct confrontation… they do it by a thousand tiny options… implications… and refined redirections.
Right here’s what makes this so efficient… they’re not telling you who you might be. They’re asking questions… that make you inform your self. “Don’t you assume you could be overthinking this?… Isn’t it attainable that you simply’re being a bit dramatic?… May or not it’s that you simply’re not seeing this clearly?” They flip your personal thoughts in opposition to you… making you the writer… of your personal diminishment.
The purpose isn’t simply to regulate you… it’s to make you management your self. To make you so unsure of your personal perceptions… your personal skills… your personal value… that you simply voluntarily hand over your energy to them. And essentially the most tragic half? You’ll thank them for it… as a result of by that time… you genuinely consider they’re the one ones… who can see you clearly.
Do you see how refined and manipulative that is? Do you see the covert sabotage right here?
That is psychological warfare at its most subtle stage… and understanding these ways… is step one in recognizing them… once they’re getting used in opposition to you.
THE RIPPLE EFFECTS ON YOUR SYSTEM
Now let’s speak about what this does to your physique and mind… as a result of covert sabotage isn’t simply psychological… it’s neurological… and bodily.
Once you’re subjected to ongoing covert sabotage… your nervous system is beneath fixed risk. Analysis reveals that power psychological abuse… truly adjustments your mind construction. The hippocampus… which is liable for reminiscence and studying… begins to shrink. In the meantime… the amygdala… which homes primitive feelings like worry and anxiousness… turns into enlarged… and hyperactive.
What does this imply in sensible phrases? Your capacity to belief your personal reminiscence… turns into compromised… which is precisely what the saboteur needs. You turn into hypervigilant… continuously scanning for threats… continuously second-guessing your self. Your nervous system is caught… in a power state of fight-or-flight… flooding your physique with stress hormones… like cortisol.
The bodily manifestations are actual… and measurable. Persistent ache… digestive points… autoimmune responses… your physique is actually attacking itself… as a result of it might’t distinguish between the psychological risk… and a bodily one. Many survivors develop situations like rheumatoid arthritis… power fatigue… and inflammatory issues. This isn’t psychosomatic… that is your immune system responding to power stress… by turning in opposition to your personal tissues.
However right here’s what makes covert sabotage significantly damaging… you may’t level to the abuse. When somebody hits you… you could have bruises. When somebody screams at you… you could have witnesses. However when somebody covertly sabotages you… you don’t have anything however your personal rising sense… that one thing is incorrect.
That is why victims usually battle to elucidate what occurred. They are saying issues like… “He by no means hit me”… or “She was all the time so supportive”… as a result of the abuse is sort of invisible. You end up making excuses for the abuser… even to your self… as a result of the choice is acknowledging… that somebody who claims to like you… has been systematically destroying you.
Analysis confirms that victims really feel additional alienated… as a result of covert nature of the abuse. Once you attempt to clarify what’s occurring… individuals have a look at you such as you’re paranoid. “However they appear so caring,” they are saying. “Are you positive you’re not being too delicate?” This social invalidation compounds the unique trauma… making you’re feeling much more remoted… and unsure.
Your decision-making skills turn into compromised… since you’re working from a chronically dysregulated nervous system. When your mind is continually in survival mode… your prefrontal cortex… the half liable for government perform… planning… and rational decision-making… goes offline. You end up making decisions… you by no means would have made earlier than… accepting therapy you by no means would have tolerated… as a result of your capability for clear considering… has been systematically eroded.
The insidious nature of this abuse means… that by the point you acknowledge what’s occurring… the harm to your nervous system… is already important. Your physique has been dwelling in a battle zone… even when your thoughts didn’t understand… it was beneath assault.
Understanding this isn’t about blame or disgrace… it’s about validation. Your physique’s responses are regular reactions… to irregular therapy. Your confusion… your exhaustion… your problem trusting your self… these aren’t character flaws. They’re proof that you simply’ve survived one thing… that was designed to interrupt you.
Recognition and Patterns
So how do you acknowledge what’s occurring… when it’s designed to be invisible? The secret’s studying to belief patterns… over particular person incidents.
Begin with timing. Covert saboteurs aren’t random of their chaos… they’re strategic. Start documenting when their crises happen… in relation to your essential occasions. You’ll doubtless uncover that their emergencies… have an uncanny correlation… together with your alternatives. This isn’t paranoia… that is information.
Superior sample recognition means… trying past the floor content material of their conduct… to the underlying perform. Don’t deal with what they’re saying or doing… deal with the impression. Does their conduct constantly go away you feeling confused… depleted… or off-balance? Do their “supportive” actions in some way all the time end result… in your desires being delayed… or diminished? The impression reveals the intention.
The documentation benefit can’t be overstated. Hold a personal document of incidents… not for authorized functions… however to your personal readability. Write down what occurred… when it occurred… and the way you felt. Over time… you’ll see patterns which are invisible… whenever you’re dwelling by them day-to-day.
Constructing inner validation techniques means… studying to belief your physique’s responses. Your nervous system is an unimaginable threat-detection system. If you happen to constantly really feel anxious… depleted… or confused round somebody… that’s info. Your physique usually acknowledges covert abuse… earlier than your thoughts does.
Why your physique all the time is aware of first… your nervous system responds to micro-expressions… vocal tones… and power signatures… that your aware thoughts misses. That inexplicable feeling of dread… earlier than they arrive house… that knot in your abdomen once they provide to “assist”… with one thing essential… these aren’t random anxiousness responses. They’re your system recognizing patterns of risk… that your thoughts hasn’t consciously recognized but.
Belief the buildup of small incidents… over the reason of particular person ones. Covert saboteurs are masters… at making every incident appear cheap… when seen in isolation. However abuse is a sample… not an occasion. It’s the repetition that reveals the intention.
Study to acknowledge the hole… between their phrases… and the power behind them. Somebody can say all the fitting issues… whereas their power communicates the other. Your nervous system picks up on this incongruence… even when your thoughts needs to consider the phrases.
The purpose isn’t to turn into suspicious of everybody… it’s to turn into literate within the language of manipulation… so you may acknowledge it… when it’s getting used in opposition to you. Data is energy… and sample recognition is safety. acknowledge the hole between their phrases and the power behind them. Somebody can say all the fitting issues whereas their power communicates the other. Your nervous system picks up on this incongruence even when your thoughts needs to consider the phrases.
The purpose isn’t to turn into suspicious of everybody – it’s to turn into literate within the language of manipulation so you may acknowledge it when it’s getting used in opposition to you. Data is energy, and sample recognition is safety.
If You might be Listening to the Episode:
If you happen to’re listening to this… and recognizing these patterns in your personal life… I would like you to know one thing: it takes unimaginable energy… to see clearly… when somebody has been systematically attempting… to cloud your imaginative and prescient. The truth that you’re questioning these dynamics… isn’t proof that you simply’re paranoid… it’s proof that your instinct… is stronger than their manipulation.
Shifting from sufferer to knowledgeable survivor… begins with validation. What you skilled was actual. The confusion you’re feeling… is a standard response… to irregular therapy. The results in your nervous system… your well being… your sense of self… these are measurable… documented penalties of psychological abuse. You’re not making it up… and also you’re not too delicate.
The analysis is obvious… these results are actual and measurable. Mind scans present the neurological impression. Blood checks reveal the inflammatory markers. Your physique retains the rating… even when your thoughts has been instructed to disregard it.
Restoration is feasible… This isn’t nearly harm emotions… or relationship issues… that is about systematic psychological warfare… designed to destabilize your sense of actuality… and self-worth.
The purpose isn’t simply to regulate you… it’s to make you management your self. To make you so unsure of your personal perceptions… your personal skills… your personal value… that you simply voluntarily hand over your energy to them. And essentially the most tragic half? You’ll thank them for it… as a result of by that time… you genuinely consider they’re the one ones… who can see you clearly.
That is psychological warfare at its most subtle stage… and understanding these ways… is step one in recognizing them… once they’re getting used in opposition to you.
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That is Lynn and this has been one other episode of the Narcissistic Abuse Restoration Podcast, thanks for listening. Drop a constructive evaluate in case you are having fun with our present. I’ll catch you within the subsequent one.
Authorized Disclaimer
This podcast is for instructional and informational functions solely. The content material shared will not be an alternative to skilled psychological well being recommendation, analysis, or therapy. If you’re experiencing a psychological well being disaster, please search assist from a certified skilled or contact a neighborhood disaster hotline.
Further Studying and Sources:
Journal of Character and Social Psychology (referenced in Stanford Encyclopedia) – https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/ethics-manipulation/
Dana Basis – https://dana.org/article/the-abused-brain/
Nature Scientific Studies – https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-023-46512-2
PMC (PubMed Central): Mind Construction Adjustments (Hippocampus & Amygdala) – https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4760853/
Psychological Manipulation: EBSCO Analysis Starters – https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/health-and-medicine/psychological-manipulation
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