“Happiness turned to me and stated, ‘It’s time. It’s time to forgive your self for all the belongings you didn’t grow to be… Above all else, it’s time to imagine, with reckless abandon, that you’re worthy of me, for I’ve been ready for years.” ~Bianca Sparacino
I didn’t know who I used to be.
That realization hit me like a punch to the chest after I ended a decade-long relationship and canceled my wedding ceremony six weeks earlier than it was purported to occur.
I keep in mind standing in my kitchen one morning, staring on the flooring, and considering, I don’t know what sort of music I truly like.
Which may sound small, but it surely was the start of every thing unraveling.
As a result of while you don’t know what sort of music you want… you most likely don’t know what your values are. Or your opinions. Or your boundaries. Or your identification.
And in my case, I didn’t.
My identification had been formed fully by different individuals. I had grow to be an knowledgeable in sensing what individuals needed me to be—after which being it.
I did it with romantic companions, with associates, with coworkers. It was like I had this superpower: I may stroll right into a room, assess the vitality, and morph myself into whoever I believed could be the most likable model of me in that context.
Nice for my performing profession. Not so nice for actual life.
When the connection ended and I lastly discovered myself alone, I didn’t simply really feel misplaced. I felt hole. I didn’t have a self to come back residence to. And the loneliness? It was insufferable.
I entered what I now name my “summer time of unhappiness.”
On the time, I referred to as it freedom. I drank greater than typical. Partied greater than typical. I advised myself I used to be lastly dwelling. However behind all of it was a deep, silent ache. A confusion. An emotional fog that wouldn’t elevate.
Ultimately, the fog changed into one thing darker: I spiraled right into a rock-bottom second I by no means noticed coming. It was like my soul stated, Sufficient.
And someplace in that mess, I grabbed a pen.
I didn’t know what else to do. I had a lot swirling inside me, and nothing made sense. So I sat down with my journal and wrote two lists.
Record One: Who I Am
This checklist was laborious to write down. It wasn’t self-love-y or optimistic. It was trustworthy.
I wrote issues like:
- I’m anxious and overthinking always.
- I say sure once I need to say no.
- I attempt to be what I believe others need me to be.
- I interrupt individuals when they’re talking as a result of I need to really feel relatable.
- I really feel responsible on a regular basis, and I don’t know why.
- I don’t belief myself.
There was no sugarcoating. No judgment both. Simply commentary.
I seemed on the web page and thought, Okay. That is the place I’m at.
Then I flipped the web page.
Record Two: Who I Need to Be
This checklist felt totally different. Not dreamy or summary, however clear.
I wrote issues like:
- I need to be grounded and calm.
- I need to be variety, affected person, and beneficiant.
- I need to pay attention greater than I communicate.
- I need to say no with out guilt.
- I need to present up extra in love and fewer in concern.
- I need to transfer by the world not feeling like I all the time must show myself.
Studying them again, I may really feel how wildly totally different these two variations of me had been—not simply in how I confirmed up for the world, however in how I handled myself.
One checklist was filled with concern, defensiveness, and guilt. The opposite was rooted in confidence, calm, and selection.
It wasn’t about changing into a brand-new individual. It was about changing into extra me—the model of me that had been buried beneath layers of people-pleasing, perfectionism, and efficiency for years.
You possibly can’t grow to be who you need to be if you happen to’re not trustworthy about who you might be proper now. That’s precisely what these two lists gave me—an unfiltered take a look at each side of the mirror.
As I checked out each lists aspect by aspect, I didn’t really feel disgrace. I felt readability.
The hole between them wasn’t a flaw. It was a course.
And I had a option to make. Hold going as I used to be—or lastly do the work to alter.
Not only for a month. Not simply till I felt higher. However for actual this time.
The form of change that’s uncomfortable. The type that reworks your patterns, rewires your reflexes,
and asks you to let go of every thing that now not matches.
That second grew to become the muse of my therapeutic journey.
Consciousness First, Then Change
Let me be clear: I didn’t get up the following day and magically grow to be that second checklist.
What I did was begin noticing. I’d stroll away from conversations and assume, Ah… I interrupted individuals loads once more. I attempted to be humorous as an alternative of actual. I stated sure once I meant no.
At first, that consciousness was irritating. I needed to be additional alongside. However ultimately, I spotted the win is in noticing.
What helped me most on this a part of the method was journaling.
I started monitoring my ideas, my actions—even complete conversations. I’d ask myself: Was I current in the present day? Or was I in my head? Did I attempt to show one thing? The place did that sample present up?
Typically I’d set one small focus, like “interrupt much less,” and observe that for weeks. I began noticing who I felt the necessity to impress, once I misplaced presence, and how much individuals triggered these outdated habits. I wasn’t making an attempt to repair it unexpectedly—I used to be studying myself in actual time. That consciousness, daily, grew to become the bridge.
That’s the place to begin for each actual shift.
Over time, these small moments of noticing changed into totally different decisions. I began talking up. Setting boundaries. Sitting with my feelings as an alternative of numbing them. Selecting presence over efficiency.
And little by little, I started changing into the individual on the second checklist.
Not completely. Not shortly. However truthfully.
What I Realized from Writing Two Lists
1. Change begins with radical honesty. You possibly can’t develop if you happen to’re not keen to call the place you might be.
2. Self-awareness is a ability, not a change. It builds slowly. Be affected person.
3. You don’t must know the entire path. Simply the course is sufficient.
4. The objective isn’t perfection. It’s alignment. It’s feeling pleased with who you might be changing into.
When you’re in a season of unraveling, I see you. It’s disorienting. It’s uncomfortable. However it may additionally be the doorway to every thing actual.
So seize a pen. Write your lists.
To not disgrace your self, however to satisfy your self.
That second of reality would possibly simply be the second that modifications every thing.
You don’t have to write down your lists completely. You don’t even must know what to do with them immediately. Simply be trustworthy. Begin the place you might be. Let readability come earlier than change—and let that be sufficient for now.
About Sara Mitich
Sara Mitich helps individuals reconnect with themselves and transfer by life’s challenges with extra readability, peace, and self-trust. Because the founding father of Gratitude & Development, she shares insights on mindfulness, mindset, and emotional resilience. Discover extra at www.gratitudegrowth.com.