As a way to perceive your narcissist opponent (and let’s not keep away from recognising the truth that we regard you as our opponent) it’s important that you simply realise that we undertake two traces of defence. It’s crucial that our kingdom stays intact, that our rule over you just isn’t impeded, hindered or diminished in anyway. Which means that we should at all times have management. By sustaining management, we’re assured of reaching the supply of The Prime Goals so we achieve gasoline (most significantly) , character traits and the residual advantages.
Think about, if you’ll, a motorized vehicle. This motorized vehicle has a pc which controls the suspension of the car, This laptop makes hundreds of calculations and changes each second in order that the suspension alters to take into consideration holes within the highway, rocks, rises, dips and any deviation. The consequence of those frequent and instantaneous changes is that the automobile itself by no means lurches, dips, rolls, leans or deviates. You may steadiness a glass of water on the dashboard and it will by no means spill. The automobile stays nonetheless and regular.
We’re related. We should at all times keep management. We’ve got to have management over our surroundings in order that we all know there will likely be no lack of gasoline, no discount within the parts of the assemble, no destruction of our empire and the descent into oblivion. To make sure this management, similar to making certain the motorized vehicle stays regular, we’ve got to make repeated and frequent changes to cater for the vagaries of the setting. We should sort out the challenges, keep the loyalty, head off the rebellion, put down the rebellions, stifle the dissent, keep the self-discipline and no matter modifications, alterations and variations happen, management have to be maintained. It doesn’t matter if our behaviour, when considered out of your perspective, is inconsistent, illogical, hypocritical, contradictory, abusive, absurd and so forth, as long as the management is maintained. That’s what issues above all else. By retaining management, we achieve what we want and we live on as we require.
Any problem to this management requires a defensive response from us and this is available in two distinct types. We’ve got a twin defence mechanism. The primary line is Denial. The second line is Distract and Deflect.
Coping with Denial. When you problem us in a roundabout way, which due to this fact threatens our management, then our fast response will likely be certainly one of denial. Your problem could also be one which wounds us (due to this fact you may count on a response by means of ignited fury which encompasses the denial) or extra possible, you’ll be offering us with Problem Gas. Thus, you’ll not be wounding us, you’ll be giving us gasoline, however we not solely wish to provoke you into giving us extra gasoline however we even have to say management and assert our superiority and denial achieves each.
Take such an change for instance, V is the accusing sufferer and N is the denying narcissist.
V – “I noticed you in a bar this night, Lorenzo’s, and also you have been with one other lady.”
N – “No, I wasn’t.”
V- “Sure you have been, I noticed you.”
N- “You may not have accomplished, I used to be at work, I had a gathering run on, there was a brand new consumer and he wanted the group and I to kind fairly just a few issues out for him.”
V – “Cease mendacity, I noticed you with my very own eyes.”
N- “Properly you want new glasses as a result of it was not me, you assume you noticed.”
V- “It was. I do know what you appear to be for God’s sake. You have been holding fingers with a slim lady with lengthy brown hair and she or he had a inexperienced shirt on.”
N – “It wasn’t me.”
V- “It was, cease mendacity. Simply admit it, will you?”
N- “It was not me.”
V- “I noticed you, I noticed you together with her.”
N- “You couldn’t have accomplished. Like I stated, I’ve been in work till now, Ring Tom, go on, he’ll verify that I’ve.”
The narcissist maintains the denial. Problem Gas is being acquired because the sufferer is both annoyed, offended, damage or upset. The phrases used, the tone, the facial features and the physique language all contribute to the supply of gasoline. If the sufferer is the Intimate Companion Major Supply (“IPPS”) then the gasoline will likely be of a excessive efficiency. The amount of gasoline delivered is up to now low because the dialogue has solely lasted a minute or so, however the frequency is fixed for that minute. The narcissist will proceed to disclaim with a purpose to keep management and assert his superiority for the needs of ‘placing down’ this problem. If the sufferer retains asserting the allegation, the narcissist will proceed with the denial till the sufferer provides up with the assertion. The narcissist has gasoline and has maintained (or regained) superiority.
Typically the primary line of defence is all that’s wanted to keep up the defence of the narcissist’s realm. Nevertheless, if the narcissist senses that the sufferer believes that they’re gaining the higher hand and thus has in impact damaged via the primary line of defence of Denial, then the narcissist will transfer to deploy the second line of defence which is that of Distraction and Deflection.
This second line is huge, in depth and attracts on a myriad of narcissistic manipulations. A few of them are refined and insidious, others are blatant and rudimentary. Nonetheless, they fall beneath the banner of Distraction and Deflection.
Returning to the instance above, the more and more exasperated sufferer decides to play the ace card and produces a cell ‘telephone which comprises footage of the narcissist with the thriller girl, holding fingers and sharing a kiss. The sufferer performs the footage and the narcissist watches.
The Denial may very well be maintained and in some cases this does occur. For example the narcissist will state
“That’s not me, that’s another person.”
nevertheless, the narcissist will observe that the sufferer is displaying the indicators of gaining the higher hand. The phrases used, tone and expression will alter to indicate that the sufferer believes that she has now received the argument and due to this fact the repeated denial just isn’t going to allow the narcissist to keep up superiority. Sure, he could proceed to attract gasoline from the sufferer if the sufferer continues to reply in an exasperated or incredulous method, however the superiority must be achieved additionally.
Accordingly that is the place the second line of defence is activated.
The Lesser may seize the cell phone and smash it. That is Deflection and Distraction. Admittedly, it won’t win any awards for ingenuity however that is what such an motion achieves on the a part of the narcissist:-
- The proof that helps the sufferer’s problem to the narcissist’s superiority has gone. Within the compartmentalised world of the narcissist if it’s not there it doesn’t exist AND furthermore it NEVER existed, accordingly
V- “You smashed it as a result of you recognize I’m proper.”
N- “About what?”
V- “You kissing that lady.”
N- “What lady?”
v – “The one on the video.”
N – “What video?”
V- “The one I simply confirmed you.”
N- “No you didn’t.”
Word how the primary line of the defence has been resurrected. The destruction of bodily property (a manipulation, albeit a base one) was deployed as a Deflection and Distraction after which the narcissist, feeling that the problem has been addressed, offers with the follow-up problem from the sufferer by reverting to the primary line once more and thus engages in Denial.
Returning to what this act achieves for the narcissist
2. The response of the sufferer to this manipulation will present gasoline;
3. Superiority is maintained via this act.
How may the Mid-Vary Narcissist reply to this escalation on the a part of the sufferer? Denial solely labored up to now, thus the second line of defence is deployed.
N – “What the hell do you assume you might be taking part in at?”
V – “What do you imply?”
N- “Spying on me.”
V – “What? I’m not, I’m displaying you what you’ve gotten accomplished.”
N- “Sure you might be, I’m sick of you attempting to manage me, spying on me like this. And I’m not the one one, John stated to me solely final week he thinks you might be very controlling.”
V- “John thinks that? How do you’re employed that one out?”
N- “Oh he’s not the one one just a few of my associates assume it.”
The sufferer then will get sucked into justifying her personal behaviour, attempting to defend herself in opposition to the imaginary management she apparently exerts over the narcissist. The narcissist has deployed Blame-Shifting, Triangulation and Smearing as a part of the second line of defence and it has labored. Gas is being offered and the preliminary allegation about dishonest has been left by the best way facet.
The Mid-Ranger may have Distracted and Deflected by strolling off and fascinating in a silent remedy (absent or current) or accusing the sufferer of getting an affair (Blame Shifting, Labelling, Projection) and due to this fact all method of various manipulations can kind a part of this second line of defence.
How concerning the Higher, how may he have responded to the manufacturing of this video proof?
He could have adopted the strategy of denial to start with, nevertheless, there’s a important probability that the Higher could have both seen what the Sufferer had been doing, been tipped off by somebody as to what the Sufferer has accomplished or ascertained from the Sufferer’s manner that there’s a potential ace to be produced. Accordingly, the Higher would haven’t bothered with Denial to start with. His total confidence within the efficacy of the second line of defence to this problem means he can dispense with the primary line. Thus, the dialog could have proceeded on this method :-
V – “I noticed you in a bar this night, Lorenzo’s, and also you have been with one other lady.”
N – “Did you, why didn’t you are available and say hiya. I used to be going to name you. That’s Jennifer, outdated pal of mine.”
V- “Oh, I see, you didn’t say you have been assembly her.”
N – “Did I not, I believe you’ll discover that I did. I informed you every week in the past about catching up together with her, I haven’t seen her in ages. You’ve met her earlier than, do you bear in mind? It was once we have been on the field on the racing, for Girls’ Day final summer season. You had that pleasant costume on, you recognize, the placing inexperienced one.”
Away goes the Higher and embarks on a monologue, drawing up particulars from the previous (actual or invented), showering compliments and distracting the sufferer from the thrust of their criticism. In impact the Higher could deploy a Phrase Salad to Deflect and Distract and thus achieve gasoline and keep superiority. The Higher has an enormous array of potential methods of deploying the second line of the defence. For example he may say :-
“Oh that lady, she is obsessive about me. There’s nothing to fret about. Sure she kissed me, somewhat presumptuous of her however are you able to see how I broke it off. I didn’t need her inflicting a scene, she’s a little bit of a looney, however you’ve nothing to fret about there. You aren’t going to let somebody like her come between you and me are you?” (Blame Shifting, Smearing, Triangulation, Appeal)
OR
“I kissed her, so what. When you kissed me extra usually, this could not occur. You may wish to take discover and up your sport or you’ll lose me.” (Menace, Blame-Shifting, Triangulation)
OR
“It truly is nothing, she was simply being somewhat zealous. You already know individuals throw themselves at me, it’s you that I would like. Why else am I right here with you and no person else? Now, let me really feel what an actual kiss appears like, hmmm?” (Flattery, Appeal, Triangulation)
OR
“I used to be recruiting her for that threesome you stated you needed, you do bear in mind agreeing to that don’t you? Admittedly, you have been a bit of tipsy however you probably did say you needed to do it. She will likely be calling me at 9 o’clock, to return spherical, however I needed you to myself after all earlier than she joins us.” (Triangulation, Fuel Lighting)
The Higher will invariably depend on his attraction and self-confidence to say superiority and head off the problem, probably switching to the problem of threats if required. Both means, the gasoline is obtained and the Deflection and Distraction line of defence stays intact and superiority is maintained and thus management with it.
Denial is the primary port of name for us to keep up management (although much less so with the Higher) after which the vary of manipulations from Fuel Lighting, Menace, Phrase Salad, Silent Remedy, Bullying, Intimidation, Labelling and Triangulation and extra moreover kind a part of the second line of defence. We are going to embed Cut up Pondering, Volte Face, Hypocrisy, Contradiction inside this second line with a purpose to keep management and maintain management on a fair keel. Such is the breadth and depth of this second line, you’ll not breach it and we are going to maintain going till you might be pressured right into a retreat, we’re fuelled and we keep that management that’s paramount to us. For this reason we do as we do.