Ah, reward. It could possibly raise us up and ship us flying to lofty heights. It could possibly validate, it may encourage, it may encourage. And, as is true of something with the energy to make us really feel so good, reward has a darkish facet. Within the unsuitable fingers, reward has the ability to hurt.
Understanding Reward
The necessity for acknowledgment and a few reward is pure, particularly in youngsters and between important others. As a result of reward prompts our dopamine reward system, people are prone to manipulation via reward.
1. Reward will not be love.
Reward is conditional and could also be supplied or withheld. Love, notably of a kid, should be freely given no matter efficiency, conduct, or “standing.” Love is all the time there. Reward comes and goes.
2. Reward can solely be granted by others.
The place there may be reward there may be all the time the absence of reward, as a result of reward can solely be granted by another person. As a supply of self-worth, it’s not sustainable or sustaining as a result of it’s exterior, fleeting, and finally past our management.
3. Unearned reward is disempowering.
Whereas love solely feels real when it’s freely given, reward solely feels real after we’ve earned it. Unearned reward disempowers others, notably youngsters, by sending the message that reward is an entitlement relatively than one thing earned with exhausting work.
4. Reward may be addictive.
Dependancy is all the time pushed by a necessity to alleviate vacancy and ache. After we lack emotions of self-love and can’t validate ourselves internally, we are able to turn into over-reliant on exterior reward from others.
How Narcissists Weaponize Reward
As we all know, the narcissistic persona is relationally antagonistic: aggressive, exploitative, and oppressively controlling. Narcissists are themselves hooked on reward, they usually usually use reward to control and management others. Listed here are methods narcissists weaponize reward.
1. Narcissists use reward instead of love.
On the core of the narcissistic persona is a flawed perception that reward is love. In dysfunctional narcissistic households and relationships, acceptance is conditional and reward is used as an alternative of affection. Utilizing reward as affection fosters insecurity in others and offers the narcissist management over their sense of relational security and self-worth.
2. Narcissists “love-bomb” with reward to pretend intimacy.
Love and intimacy are developed via reciprocity, shared vulnerability, and earned belief. Intimacy ought to by no means be skilled as a fiery explosion. However narcissistic folks usually interact in love-bombing, by which they use extreme reward, consideration, and flattery to seduce others into unwarranted belief and untimely dedication.
3. Narcissists deal with reward as entitlement.
Folks, notably youngsters, who’re bolstered for his or her efforts internalize a way of company and earned confidence, which fosters shallowness and wholesome independence. Against this, praising folks for being particular or superior relatively than for his or her exhausting work fosters an unearned and due to this fact insecure sense of entitlement. By granting “particular” standing and privilege to a selected few and by denying it to others, narcissists dictate what folks worth in themselves and people round them.
4. Narcissists use reward to foster dependency and dependancy.
By alternating reward and types of abuse, narcissists foster dependency and even bodily dependancy in others. Youngsters or companions handled to any such manipulation can turn into trauma bonded to the narcissist, who makes use of intermittent reinforcement to regulate the activation of their worry response (struggle/flight) and reward system (dopamine).
Conclusion
All of us can profit at instances from reward that we’ve earned. People are social animals who naturally search validation from the group, and reward for our efforts may be motivating and assist us construct confidence that may maintain us via instances of trial and adversity. However reward used as an alternative to love or intimacy, granted as an unearned entitlement, or paired with abuse is manipulative and disempowering, and it may create trauma bonds between narcissists and people they search to dominate.
Julie L. Corridor is the creator of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Studying to Break Free from Hachette Books.
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